Rush Limbaugh Has Sex With Sheep On His Farm

Oxycotin Gets Rush Limbaugh In Cotton

The Bandit has learned that rabid conservative Mullah, Rush Limbaugh, made love to one of his prize sheep, in the barn, on his farm in Pennsylvania.

Clem Manure, farm manager said "his addiction to Oxycotin has taken over his mind -- he was plowing Cotton and he kept screaming "take it Laura you slut" -- referring to Laura Ingram his kinky conservative colleague"

Clem came forward because he is an animal activist and said that: "Dolly is so embarrased she has stopped grazing -- she won't come out of her stall -- plus there's the rest of the herd to think about."

Shawn Hannity , a Limbaugh lover said on Fox news this morning : "What's the big deal? -- it was a mature sheep and she probably asked for it."

And John Mc Caine said "I always knew Rush would fuck a snake - but this is too much -Rush needs to stay off the drugs - baa baaa - heh heh"

Mullahs Expelled From Government - Hallelujah!

One prominent advocate of stem cell research is Dr. Moishe Pipick, executive vice president for government relations and operations at the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. Mr. Dr. Pipick said in a telephone interview Friday that he was sure that Mr. Obama would indeed signal a return to an era of “scientists making scientific decisions.”

So -at long last - the religious fanaticks have been cut out of public policy making decisions - and can nowcentrate full time on their primary mission:

Brainwashing - collecting souls - and repressive sex.

Next -The Gun morons!

Endangered Homeowners Should Take In Prisoners

Hey - with one in thirty two 'Folks" on probation or incarcerated in the good ole USA (most for non -violent crimes)- at an average annual cost in Federal prison of over 50k per year - why not let homeowners who can't make their payments:

Get paid by Uncle Sam to house them!

The average homeowner could take two prisoners for say half of what the Fed pays out - and have enough income to pay the mortgage - and enough left over to go shopping,

The prisoners would have a chance to acclimate back into society in a way that might cut down on recidivism -saving society a ton of grief and money.

And - Team Obama would get enough savings to complete health Care reform.

Hey - this may be the digibandit's best idea for saving America - since recommending Bernie Madoff for Treasury Secretary.

(Oh -and the government would pay a hefty premium for homeowners who house violent prisoners - of course)

Defense Secretary Gates is Grandson of W.C Fields

Check out the pictures

Alan Greenspan - NOW we Understand

The derivatives market today is $531 trillion, up from $106 trillion in 2002 and a relative pittance just two decades ago. Theoretically intended to limit risk and ward off financial problems, the contracts instead have stoked uncertainty and actually spread risk amid doubts about how companies value them.

The contracts allowed financial services firms and corporations to take more complex risks that they might have otherwise avoided — for example, issuing questionable mortgages or excessive corporate debt. The fact that they can be traded in one sense limited risk but also increased the number of parties exposed when problems emerged.

Throughout the 1990s, some argued that derivatives had become so vast, intertwined and inscrutable that they required federal oversight to protect the financial system. But the financial industry lobbied heavily against such measures, and won backing from important figures, including Alan Greenspan, chairman of the Federal Reserve from 1987 to early 2006.

Remember when all the financial wizards would sit around wondering what Alan meant by that look in his eyes when he said "Hmmm" - or when he farted after saying "interest rate" - sniffing to see which way his gas floated - or what he said when he mumbled "isa ghriia" - What? - What are you saying oh genius seer -God - of all matters fiscal?"

Well - now we know what he was saying :

"Ha Ha Ha -you goyisha Jew haters -I'm going home to fuck Andrea -and kish meir in tuchas (kiss my ass) all you waspy dickheads."

"Recession" or "Depression" or "Global Shithole?"

Their bullshit forecasts change weekly!

Mark Zandi, chief economist of Moody’s Economy.com, now places the odds of “a mild depression” at 25 percent, up from 15 percent three months ago. In that view, the unemployment rate would reach 10.5 percent by the end of 2011 — up from 7.6 percent at the end of January — average home prices would fall 20 percent on top of the 27 percent they have plunged already, and losses in the financial system would more than triple, to $3.7 trillion.
Allen Sinai, chief global economist at the research firm Decision Economics, sees a 20 percent chance of “a depressionlike possibility,” up from 15 percent a week ago.

But - Dr Moishe Pipick -head economist for the World Financial Forum - in Berne ,Switzerland annouinced today:

"We are in a "Global Shithole" - our research shows that eighty nine percent of the global population -and seventy two percent of the people living in the largest industrial nations (make that seventy three percent in the USA) - strongly feel - they are up to their shoulders in a "Shithole."

Dr. Pipick continued: "We at the Forum strongly recommend that economists stop playing pussy with the words - let's call a spade a spade (or a shovel ha ha) - wer'e in a "Global Shithole" - and right now i'd say wer'e up to our chests;

"The only question is - whether the "Shit" will cover our eyes and bury us completely?"

He concluded; "We can't effectively deal with all the financial shit unless we closely monitor the depth at which we are buried in it:

"So from now on all our forecasts and analysis and reporting about "The Global Shithole" - should begin with an "In -depth Report":

"For example - 'As of today at three pm we are projecting that by the end of March - We will be in " A Global Shithole" - Up to our necks.'

American's Who Get Bailout Aid Should Not Eat Ice Cream

Or drink soda or beer - or any booze - or eat any desert - or watch or rent movies - or use disposable diapers - or buy toys - and NO unecessary travel - and absolutely no unprotected sex - no caffeine - no premium cable -no unecessary recreation - you want excercise go for a walk>



Hey - We solvent American's who saved for a rainy day do not want to pay for your Obama freeebies!

At least the wall street folks and bankers who fucked us get some business return on their business partying -but you greedy losers are still spending your way deeper into this shithole - on crap and crapola you don't absolutely need - believing us suckers will bail you out.

Well wer'e pissed - and we ants don't want to pay for your grasshopper lifestyles anymore.

Oh - and no more lottery cards - and coffee - and drugs - and even premium toilet paper - and text messeging fees - or high speed cable (go to the library) -And no more video games and itunes and...



Hey - your'e on the fucking dole - you don't get any more goodies you can't afford (or need)!

Just like the bankers and insurance and car companies and all those bums that are on the dole - your right in the shithole next to them!

Get a big shovel and start digging - the rest of us are tired of bailing you out!


And no more haircuts and beauty parlor bullshit - get a scissors!

Oh -and buy some candles!





Have a giant yard sale - sell all your unecessary crap and spend your Obamadollars frugally - only on the necessities - and

Travis the Chimpanzee Was Horny and Was Murdered

Dr. Moishe Pipick -head of primate veterinary medicine at Cornell University's world renowned Ape Clinic said today:

"It's quite simple - Travis went Ape! - he was no different than a teenaged boy with his thumper ready to explode and being teased by some naughty cheerleader - EXCEPT:

"Chimps have four times the testosteronr level of a young man!"

Dr. Pipick was asked by Elise Mandelbaum - digibandit animal reporter;

"Well -Dr. Pipick - do you think that people should be allowed to own Cimpanzees? -Can it be done safely?"

Dr. Pipick replied: 'Yes! Definitely! -But -if the owner is a woman - she must be prepared to have sex with her Chimp."

"Oh - and by the way - Chimps make super sexual partners!"

He concluded; "In my professional opinion - Travis was murderd for no reason other than the ignorance of his owner -and the police."

Pro Baseball Should Allow " Fully Doped Players"On teams

AhA - another breakthrough/visionary solution to a thorny and contentious cultural issue of large magnitude! (from the digibandit)

Each major league baseball team would be allowed three players (an infielder - pitcher and outfielder) into the line-up - who are juiced up to the max on performance enhancing drugs .

I mean these guys will be like Drago in Rocky Four ( you know - the drugged up Russian fighter) - they will be as juiced up as modern medicine can juice them!

So - then - we will find out precisely how enhancing these drugs really are - and we will know exactly who is who for the sake of posteritry - And And And :

Baseball will become a lot more fun -with a whole new strategic dimension - and the kids will love it.

If it works - we can have a whole new division(s) of totally souped up - androidic players competing with semi and non androidic divisions - and:

Ultimately - a glorious total fusion between professional sports and human robots!

The ultimate video game - and you know it's gotta happen!

Iron Man beware! -Here comes Bond Man -and i don't mean James!




















Baseball will get a whole new strategic dimension and

Homeless Get Screwed In Bailout Package

The homeless have tiny carbon imprints - they use minimal energy and are not generally obese.

They pay high taxes (seventy five percent of their income goes for highly taxed alcohol and cigarettes)

They don't get welfare or food stamps

They die young using minimal government funded health services

The homeless didn't purchase homes they couldn't afford

They don't have bad credit card debt - or default on car loans.

The homeless are being hit hard by the practices and habits of avaricious greedy financiers - and shopping mad consumers - and none of the economic collapse is their fault!

How about some bailout moola for these fine citizens?

And - fortunately - soon - there will be a lot more of these modern versions of the hunter gatherers.

Women Workers Have Ruined The Economy and The Culture

There was a time - not long ago:


When women ran the household and nurtured their children


When a man - with one job - supplied all the material needs of the family


When kids were watched over and played outside


When kids were not obese and drugged out


When parents were not obese and drugged out


When being in debt from buying unecessary crap was unecessary

When men felt like they had balls

when women felt like women

When kids felt like kids

When miserable men could afford to get divorced

Women should give their jobs to men - eventually ending the whole unemployment and reversing the cultural mess were in.

cc Lawrence Summers -head of Obama National Economic Council

U.S Unemployed Hump Like Muslims and Africans

I always wondered why Arab and African countries had such huge birth rates.

I mean - terrible sanitary conditions - no air conditioning (in stifling heat and humidity) - tremendous rates of infection due to ignorance and lack of medical attention - no beds - no privacy :

Stinky and sweaty and weak from lack of nutrition - but these guys can't stop fucking the ugliest nastiest women on the planet?

Well now we have the answer! - Dr. Moishe Pipick, head of cultural anthropology at the United Nations Center For Reproductive Studies - announced today in Berne Switzerland:

"The historically low United States birth rate has soared during their economic collapse!"

He stated;"At their current rate of reproduction the United States is approaching third world levels -and this will seriously add to their societal challenges - specifically - increased carbon footprints and family trauma - along with child and spousal abuse - economic hardship and resource drainage."

Digibandit cultural analyst -Elise mandelbaum - asked Dr. Pipick, "To what do you attribute the high birth rate increases?"

He replied; "Just like in the Arab and African countries - a man with nothing better to do - will fuck a snake!"

I should have known it - just look around.

Ariel Sharon Had Erection All During Gaza Strike

Dr.Moishe Pipick the attending physician to former Israeli Prime Minister and highly decorated general - Ariel Sharon - made a startling announcement today from the revered warriors bedside , who has been in a coma for nine months now:


" I was checking on his vital signs two weeks ago - and just as the news of our blitz on Hamas came over the airwaves - He got a huge hard - on!"

"The Doctor continued; "He was smiling - and as each new wave of our attack was announced - his erection grew bigger and harder!"



"We had to pack his huge member in ice for fear that it might explode - and finally when the truce was announced - his penis returned to normal."



Dr. Pipick concluded; "He was israeli's greatest warrior - and even in his coma - he is fighting alonside our brave men and women."

"Oh and lately i have noticed his cock is stirring a bit - so Hamas better be careful!"

Can you imagine when the Israeli's finally take out the Iranian plutonium enrichment sites?

Sharon's putz will go nuclear!

G.W Bush America's Greatest President -Including Lincoln

The only free election Iraqi's had under Sadam was which one of their children to send to the palace for a rape fest presided over by his two psycho sons.



It's been messy as hell - but when the smoke clears we will have a Democratic Arab country (formerly an oxymoron) and an ally instead of a fascist and rabid dystopian bunch of mad dogs with a huge army - contantly threatening their neighbors and terrorizing it's population.



Oh - and all this post economic collapse moola that will be flowing into programs and the pockets of needy Americans? - It's forthcoming only because the Bushies fucked up the economy so bad.



Doubling the education budget - medicaid - unemployment - pell grants - stem cell research - condoms for all - tax cuts - infrastructure - new pro union and civil rights legislation -infrastructure spending- the list of lower and middle class goodies is huge! (and needed for sure)



But - none of that money and none of those new social programs would have been passed in a fifty years - without the mess that GW made of the country and the Republican Party.



And - many folks think he did it on purpose because he promised Billy Graham (and Laura) that he would he would do something "Christian" for Humanity (to make up for his early "happy" years")



Now Lincoln and Washington and Teddy and Franklin ..... -- They were great Presidents too!



But - they just don't come close to the amazing achievements of good old G.W Bush!

Escort Services Thrive During Collapse of Economy

Figures released today by the world wide prostitution tracking agency - 'Global Hooker Data Inc.'- show that Escort Services - and even low level street prostitution is thriving - during this global financial collapse.

Meyer Pinsky - a jeweler from Bensonhurst in brooklyn N.Y seemed to sum up the situation:

"Hey look - it's like this - i can't afford to take my Ruthy and the kids out on the town anymore! - i mean the only folks buying jewelry these days are the pimps - and that makes sense - because - well take me for example,

For a hundred bucks i get my clock cleaned by a sexy young professional - and i feel like a new man. It costs twice as much to take out the familyAnd - it's a real strain with the money being tight and all - and i don't even get a decent blow job from my Ruthy."

Another interesting trend that the research showed - was that a significant number of men and women are starting to turn tricks as an income generating alternative to the weak job market.

Listen up Obama! - maybe it's time to provide vocational training money and tax credits in the stimulus package for future hookers?

Taliban's Broadcasts Get Higher Ratings Than Howard Stern

PESHAWAR, Pakistan — Every night around 8 o’clock, the terrified residents of Swat, a lush and picturesque valley a hundred miles from three of Pakistan’s most important cities, crowd around their radios. They know that failure to listen and learn might lead to a lashing — or a beheading.
.
Using a portable radio transmitter, a local Taliban leader, Shah Doran, on most nights outlines newly proscribed “un-Islamic” activities in Swat, like selling DVDs, watching cable television, singing and dancing, criticizing the Taliban, shaving beards and allowing girls to attend school. He also reveals names of people the Taliban have recently killed for violating their decrees — and those they plan to kill.

I just hope there aren't any Aliens listening to these broadcasts or the Earth is toast!

And who would blame them? - Most of the so called civilized countries of the world (like Germany and France) -won't even send combat troops to help eradicate these fuckers.

Can you imagine the pain these local villagers are enduring 24/7?

Obama Proposes "Fat Tax" To Reduce Carbon Emissions

Obama said today – at a press conference - “Ok you tubby citizens – and that includes my dear porky pal Oprah and my big butted wife (heh heh) – Cut down on the rice – or pay the price”


“Put down the fork or pay for your pork!”


He continued saying I am very serious about this issue because:


“You can toss your empty soda cans in the recycle bin instead of the garbage, saving energy and reducing landfill. Or you can wear hemp clothes and drive a hybrid car plastered with bumper stickers requesting the salvation of everything from owls to dust mites.


There are lots of little ways to go green, but if you really want to help save the Earth, you can start by dropping a few pounds.


There's an old joke about a mother telling her son to finish the food on his plate because there are starving children in Africa. The smart-aleck's response is, "Got a stamp?"


What's not a joke is that there is a finite amount of food in the world, and it is growing scarce. Recent food riots Haiti, Sudan, Yemen, Mexico, Egypt, and other countries are a stark reminder that many people do not have enough to eat. The cost of staple foods such as corn, rice, and wheat are at record highs across the globe, and some can't afford to feed their families.


Meanwhile in the United States, obesity is at an all-time high; two-thirds of adults in the Land of Plenty are overweight or obese. Obesity is perhaps the ultimate symbol of resource consumption; it's visible proof that overweight people already has more than they need—and take more anyway.


The causes of food shortages are varied and complex, but if Americans simply ate less food, there would be more for the rest of world. By some estimates, the average American consumes about 4,000 calories per day; that's twice what they need. Those 2,000 fewer calories would be available for those who truly need the food, and help to conserve Earth's natural resources.


Overweight people create more air pollution than thin people do. It's simple physics: Extra pounds translate into extra fuel in automobiles and airplanes. Extra fuel means increased energy usage, oil drilling, and air pollution.


A 2004 study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that for every ten pounds gained by the average American, airlines burned 350 million more gallons of fuel to carry the additional weight. That fuel spewed an estimated 3.8 million extra tons of carbon dioxide into the air.


And as for that smaller hybrid car? It's a good start, but there's not much point in buying fuel-efficient vehicles if you're going to fill that large seat with your extra-large butt; you might as well throw a few sandbags in the trunk. Fuel efficiency drops dramatically with more weight the engine has to pull; the lighter you are, the less gas you burn, the more money you save, and the less pollution you emit.


Of course, going green by going lean is easier said than done, and only part of the problem. But by getting ourselves healthier we also help save the planet. Not a bad deal.”


"God Bless all your fat asses.”

People In Texas Have Smaller Brains - Study Proves

The chairman of the Texas school board, Dr. Don McLeroy, a dentist, pushed in 2003 for a more skeptical version of evolution to be presented in the state’s textbooks, but could not get a majority to vote with him. Dr. McLeroy has said he does not believe in Darwin’s theory and thinks that Earth’s appearance is a recent geologic event, thousands of years old, not 4.5 billion as scientists contend.

"Texan's voted for this jerk to run their schools! -They have the highest number of execution convictions overturned by the Supreme Court - The highest number of executions - the most guns per capita - the most animal killers (hunters) - the most smokers and obesity cases per capita -the most cases of domestic violence and rape and forced sodomy in the nation - the highest rate of alcoholism and drug addiction - the most "in-closet" numbers of homosexuals - the highest number of felons per capita and cases of hate crimes - they lead the world in arson and murder and felony assaults per capita - and they have the most Christian Fundamendalists and churchgoers of any other state. - and more prescriptions for mental illness problems are prescribed than anywhere on earth - and they have the lowest reading and math scores in America - and they have the lowest number of Jews per capita."

So said Dr. Moishe pipick of the World Research Foundation who concluded:

'There is obviously something in the Texan culture that inhibits normal brain functioning. -- Genetically speaking - these folks are not all there!"

Obama's Ratings Plunge After Crybaby Speech

Trying to emulate Winston Churchill with a speech that asked us all to man the barricades against the doom and utter gloom and forces of destruction at our doorsteps landed on mostly deaf ears because while a ton of people are in a financial shithole:


We are not in the midst of a blitkreig or even a plain old blitz - running for cover as the bombs annihilate our neighbors and neighborhood.

That will probably come later but for now "Hey my fellow Americans - i know many of you are having severe money problems - but it's only money - i mean it's not like bad x rays - wer'e gonna fix this - so buck up and cut down as best you can - and eat a lot of governmentcheese ."

Would have sufficed! - I mean the average American listening to Obama's histrionics yesterday would have been more uplifted by reading Cormac McCarthy's latest novel - or watching "Mad Max Superdome"

Anyway - his numbers dropped from a positive 72 percent down to a 61 - and at that rate folks will be crying for the calm strength and ballsy leadership of Bush/Cheney before the years out.

I mean - it's only money - what a pussy - keep your powder dry Obama!

Your'e gonna need it!

When the shit really hits the fan!

Gazan's Celebrate Huge Victory - Congratulations You Morons

Israel and Hamas both ceased fire on Sunday, after an offensive that claimed the lives of some 1,300 Palestinians, according to Gaza health officials, and 13 Israelis. The last of Israel's ground troops were expected to pull out of Gaza on Tuesday if the quiet holds, defense officials said.

The first estimates by independent surveyors said Gaza lost nearly $2 billion in assets, including 4,100 homes, about 1,500 factories and workshops, 20 mosques, 31 security compounds, and 10 water or sewage lines. Shattered glass and mounds of rubble littered city streets.

"With full trust and full confidence I say the Palestinian people and the heroic resistance have won this battle," Mushir al-Masri, a Hamas official, said Monday. "Hamas today is stronger than any time before. ... The loser is the occupation."


But the owner of a coffee stand located near the Gaza City rally criticized the festivities, given the steep Palestinian death toll.
"We can't talk about real victory because there were thousands of martyrs and we didn't liberate anything," said Jawdat Abu Nahel. "It's no time for a parade."

Hey asshole! -You voted for them - and just wait till their next big victory?