xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit

Friday, September 25, 2009

Glen Beck Say's Sarah Palin Has Rotton Pussy


'When i woke after a night of humping Sarah Palin - I thought for a minute that i woke up in an Eskimo fishing village after they had just finished cleaning their Salmon catch." - Said Beck after returning from Wasilla where he was shooting wolves from a helicoptor with Sarah and Todd.


He said;"I really don't find her attractive but Todd begged me to fuck her because he hurt his dick while fucking an Elk -and he said Sarah is so horny she is starting to eye her children and has already raped their old Eskimo housekeeper"

"Wow -But he didn't tell me what a rotton pussy she has! - I only hope my dick doesn't fall off?"

He concluded "Sarah needs to douche with something really strong -or maybe use some kind of flamethrower up her hole ?"

Glenn Beck Says Sarah Palin Needs To Douche

'When i woke after a night of humping Sarah Palin - I thought for a minute that i woke up in an Eskimo fishing village after they had just finished cleaning their Salmon catch." - Said Beck after returning from Wasilla where he was shooting wolves from a helicoptor with Sarah and Todd.

He said;"I really don't find her attractive but Todd begged me to fuck her because he hurt his dick while fucking an Elk -and he said Sarah is so horny she is starting to eye her children and has already raped their old Eskimo housekeeper"

"Wow -But he didn't tell me what a rotton pussy she has! - I only hope my dick doesn't fall off?"

He concluded "Sarah needs to douche with something really strong -or maybe use some kind of flamethrower up her hole ?"

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Army Recruits Will Get Balls Busted By A Real Pro

FORT JACKSON, S.C. — It may come as no surprise that the Army’s new top drill sergeant idolizes Gen. George S. Patton Jr., has jumped out of planes 33 times, aces every physical training test and drives a black Corvette with “noslack” vanity plates.

But consider this: the sergeant is a woman.

On Tuesday, the Army will make Command Sgt. Maj. Teresa L. King, 48, commandant of its drill sergeant school here. It is a first. No woman has run one of the Army’s rigorous schools for drill instructors.


Well -it's about time the Army woke up and found out what every red blooded American Male has known from birth:

That women are the greatest and most efficient Ball Busters on Planet Earth!

So welcome Terry! - Maybe now we'll get some much needed state of the art NUT Busting for our troops who have gotten soft under the amateur Nut Cracking from MALE drill instructors.

I mean - if you want to kick a guy in the grapes - get a woman!

I mean -who do you think is cracking the nuts of those macho Marine DI's when they arrive home after a day of beating up on recruits? - No wonder they're in no shape for serious nut cracking in the am -Their wives have been at work breaking their balls from the time they got home from the field.

It's heartening to know that military ball breaking has reached the level of intensity -at last! -Which civilian men have experienced since Eve tore off Adam's cajones.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

First Recorded Case Of "Coyote Leg" Reported


A team of doctors from "Coyote Arm" International has confirmed that Manny Orbach from Bensonhurst in Brooklyn NYC - Chewed off a large chunk of his leg (which had to be subsequently amputated) -thinking it was his arm) when he awoke from a night of drunken revelry with Elise Mandelbaum draped across his body.


Mr. Orbach stated for the record; " I opened my eyes and when i saw it/her and i started to scream but was able to muffle it right away - THEN realizing how entangled we were -and in a complete state of panic and hysteria that i might awaken her/it - and be forced to engage it - I did the manly thing and went right for my arm - not realizing i was gnawing through my leg before it was too late"

He continued; "Fortunately i was able to extricate myself from under her and crawl away for help -and praise be to the lord that she was still zonked out enough that she didn't awaken - or i would have had to kill myself"

Moishe Pipick - president of World Wide Coyote Arm International praised Mr. Orbach for his courage -and said;

"Manny Orbach is a testimonial to the power and pride of ALL Men and we at WWCA are making sure he will receive the latest in prosthetic surgery and rehabilitation -and are awarding him The Coyote Arm (and now Leg) Legion of Honor -which carries a cash prize of one million dollars along with the many sponsor endorsements which are already coming his way"

He concluded; "However - we are not formally endorsing 'Coyote Leg" and recommend that you take a minute to get your bearings - take a deap breath -and go for the ARM!"

Saturday, September 19, 2009

WHO has Bill Clinton Been Shtupping Lately?

Aren't you dying to know? -I mean if you're one of those people who thinks he is being faithful to Hil -then there is an 87% chance that your wife is in a motel at this moment with your best friend.


Hey -I LOVE Wiliie - He was a great president and a super guy and is doing wonderful work on behalf of humanity as we speak

But - he is also -as we speak - getting great head and shtupped silly -on a regular basis - from some of the hottest women on Earth!.

What's that you say? - he wouldn't do that to Hil? - Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahhaha!

Hhahahahahah -Oh my god - Hil would rather have some nice fresh brush in her teeth than Bill's crookedy weeny anyday -And as long as he doesn't embarass her or Chelsea - it's totally cool with Hil.

They adore and respect each other - but wake up and smell the roses - Bill is out there humping and thumping his way across the globe like some randy rabbit -and LOVIN it!

C'mon Bill - give us a clue! You are the coolest pol that ever lived - just a little bitty clue - a taste!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Worldwide "Coyote Arm" Gathering Draws Millions

Men -from around the world - who have chewed off their arm so as to not risk waking the "Beast" they found snuggled up next to them after a drunken night of partying - joined together in Basil Switzerland today -To celebrate their collegial honor and bravery -and to warn "Men Everywhere" of the potential consequences of "Drunken Passion".
Moishe Pipick - Leader of the UCAF (Universal Coyote Arm federation) - chosen for being the first man to chew off BOTH arms when he woke up with TWINS - who in his words. "Defied the theory of evolution" announced:
"Men who have lost an arm in the service of drunken passion - bear witness and testimony to our eternal weakness for "Drunken Passion" and the price some of us must pay for the dignity of All men Everywhere!"
Mr. Pipick went on; "And while there has been an attempt by the women marching outside our gathering to establish a "Coyote Arm" organization of their own -we can see by the number of one armed women marching - that they have a limited following"
"And - we have it on good sources - that most of those one armed women were the victims of MEN who got their arms mixed up"
"And in conclusion" - said Pipick -"I am so proud to see the growing numbers of TWO ARM Coyote Men". -"It takes great courage to chew off both arms - And we salute them!"

Saturday, August 22, 2009

United States Should Sell It's Prison Population

Ny Times :The United States has, for instance, 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.

Moishe Pipick - head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"

He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."

"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Fox TV Announces "Get Freaky With Squeaky"

The Charles Manson follower convicted of trying to assassinate President Gerald Ford was released Friday from a Texas prison hospital after more than three decades behind bars.

Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, 60, left the Federal Medical Center Carswell in Fort Worth at about 8 a.m. and was greeted by Fox TV President Myron Schlocker - and wisked away in his limo headed for his private jet and a meeting in LA -where he later announced:

"The kind of antics with which Squeaky captivated the nation's attention 30 years ago: shaving her red hair and carving an "X" into her forehead after Manson was convicted for orchestrating a mass murder, wearing a red robe when she pulled a gun on Ford, being carried into her trial courtroom by marshals when she refused to walk. -"Will now be put into creating America's next hit reality show -"Freaky Squeaky"

Schlocker went on;"In September 1975, she pushed through a crowd, drew a semiautomatic .45-caliber pistol from a thigh holster and pointed it at Ford, who was shaking hands with well-wishers while walking to the California State Capitol in Sacramento. ( Secret Service agents grabbed her and the gun, and Ford was unhurt)."


He went on; "Squeaky who got her nickname while in Manson's "family," possibly because of her voice, had become its leader. - During her trial, Fromme refused to attend or had outbursts."

"And catch this!" he exclaimed; ""She later was sentenced to 15 years in prison, which was tacked onto her life term for threats against the president, after escaping from a women's prison in Alderson, W.Va., in 1987. She was recaptured two days later about two miles away after a massive search. Squeaky had said she escaped from prison to be closer to Manson after hearing rumors that he was dying."

Schlocker stated; " Now is is this little gal and her wild bunch of nutcases gonna turn in one hell of a hit show? - It's gonna be humongous!"

Schlocker said; "Oh - almost forgot - heh heh - in 1979 as punishment for striking another inmate with a hammer while the two tended a garden on the prison grounds. She later was moved to Lexington, Ky., and then to Marianna, Fla."

"I mean - it just keeps getting better - well anyway - after thirty years behind bars she's finally gonna get to apply her god given talent to Fox Reality Television - heh heh"

"As Squeaky said thirty years ago" said Schlocker:

"I stood up and waved a gun (at Ford) for a reason," she wrote. "I was so relieved not to have to shoot it, but, in truth, I came to get life. Not just my life but clean air, healthy water and respect for creatures and creation."

Schlocker concluded: 'She's Squeaky clean and ready for prime time on Fox TV"

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

A perfect Place To Send All The Homo Priests

GOMA, Congo — It was around 11 p.m. when armed men burst into Kazungu Ziwa’s hut, put a machete to his throat and yanked down his pants. Mr. Ziwa is a tiny man, about four feet, six inches tall. He tried to fight back, but said he was quickly beaten down.
>
“Then they raped me,” he said. “It was horrible, physically. I was dizzy. My thoughts just left me.”
For years, the thickly forested hills and clear, deep lakes of eastern Congo have been a reservoir of atrocities. Now, it seems, there is another growing problem: men raping men.
According to Oxfam, Human Rights Watch, United Nations officials and several Congolese aid organizations, the number of men who have been raped has risen sharply in recent months, a consequence of joint Congo-Rwanda military operations against rebels that have uncapped an appalling level of violence against civilians.
Aid workers struggle to explain the sudden spike in male rape cases. The best answer, they say, is that the sexual violence against men is yet another way for armed groups to humiliate and demoralize Congolese communities into submission.
The United Nations already considers eastern Congo the rape capital of the world, and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is expected to hear from survivors on her visit to the country next week. Hundreds of thousands of women have been sexually assaulted by the various warring militias haunting these hills, and right now this area is going through one of its bloodiest periods in years.
The joint military operations that began in January between Rwanda and Congo, David and Goliath neighbors who were recently bitter enemies, were supposed to end the murderous rebel problem along the border and usher in a new epoch of cooperation and peace. Hopes soared after the quick capture of a renegade general who had routed government troops and threatened to march across the country.
But aid organizations say that the military maneuvers have provoked horrific revenge attacks, with more than 500,000 people driven from their homes, dozens of villages burned and hundreds of villagers massacred, including toddlers thrown into open fires.
And it is not just the rebels being blamed. According to human rights groups, soldiers from the Congolese Army are executing civilians, raping women and conscripting villagers to lug their food, ammunition and gear into the jungle. It is often a death march through one of Africa’s lushest, most stunning tropical landscapes, which has also been the scene of a devastatingly complicated war for more than a decade.
“From a humanitarian and human rights perspective, the joint operations are disastrous,” said Anneke Van Woudenberg, a researcher for Human Rights Watch.
The male rape cases span several hundred miles and possibly include hundreds of victims. The American Bar Association, which runs a sexual violence legal clinic in Goma, said that more than 10 percent of its cases in June were men.
Brandi Walker, an aid worker at Panzi hospital in nearby Bukavu, said, “Everywhere we go, people say men are getting raped, too.”
But nobody knows the exact number. Men here, like anywhere, are reluctant to come forward. Several who did said they instantly became castaways in their villages, lonely, ridiculed figures, derisively referred to as “bush wives.”
Since being raped several weeks ago, Mr. Ziwa, 53, has not shown much interest in practicing animal medicine, his trade for years. He limps around (his left leg was crushed in the attack) in a soiled white lab coat with “veterinaire” printed on it in red pen, carrying a few biscuit-size pills for dogs and sheep.
“Just thinking about what happened to me makes me tired,” he said.
The same is true for Tupapo Mukuli, who said he was pinned down on his stomach and gang-raped in his cassava patch seven months ago. Mr. Mukuli is now the lone man in the rape ward at Panzi hospital, which is filled with hundreds of women recovering from rape-related injuries. Many knit clothes and weave baskets to make a little money while their bodies heal.
But Mr. Mukuli is left out.
“I don’t know how to make baskets,” he said. So he spends his days sitting on a bench, by himself.
The male rape cases are still just a fraction of those against women. But for the men involved, aid workers say, it is even harder to bounce back.
“Men’s identity is so connected to power and control,” Ms. Walker said.
And in a place where homosexuality is so taboo, the rapes carry an extra dose of shame.
“I’m laughed at,” Mr. Mukuli said. “The people in my village say: ‘You’re no longer a man. Those men in the bush made you their wife.’ ”
Aid workers here say the humiliation is often so severe that male rape victims come forward only if they have urgent health problems, like stomach swelling or continuous bleeding. Sometimes even that is not enough. Ms. Van Woudenberg said that two men whose penises were cinched with rope died a few days later because they were too embarrassed to seek help. Castrations also seem to be increasing, with more butchered men showing up at major hospitals.
Last year, Congo’s rape epidemic appeared to be easing a bit, with fewer cases reported and some rapists jailed. But today, it seems like that thin veneer of law and order has been stripped away. The way villagers describe it, it is open season on civilians.
Muhindo Mwamurabagiro, a tall, graceful woman with long, strong arms, explained how she was walking to the market with friends when they were suddenly surrounded by a group of naked men.
“They grabbed us by the throat and threw us down and raped us,” she said.
Worse, she said, one of the rapists was from her village.
“I yelled, ‘Father of Kondo, I know you, how can you do this?’ ”
One mother said a United Nations peacekeeper raped her 12-year-old boy. A United Nations spokesman said that he had not heard that specific case but that there were indeed a number of new sexual abuse allegations against peacekeepers in Congo and that a team was sent in late July to investigate.
Congolese health professionals are becoming exasperated. Many argue for a political solution, not a military one, and say Western powers should put more pressure on Rwanda, which is widely accused of preserving its own stability by keeping the violence on the other side of the border.
“I understand the world feels guilty about what happened in Rwanda in 1994,” said Denis Mukwege, the lead doctor at Panzi Hospital, referring to Rwanda’s genocide. “But shouldn’t the world feel guilty about what’s happening in Congo today?”

Monday, August 03, 2009

Fox Tv Announces '"The Desperate Green Housewives of Malibu CA."

Morty Schlocker Prexy of Fox original programming announced today:

Well with all the " 'Desperate'shtupping and cheating and lying and drinking and drugging going on all over televsion - i mean why not the Desperate Housewives of Williamsburg in Brooklyn NYC already? -They could show Hasidic housewives shtupping their brains out while the Rebbes are off in the jewelry exchange cheating the goyim."

"But i digress! - We at Fox are commited to quality cutting edge programming - So - in - 'The Desperate Green Housewives of Malibu
.CA.' - We will observe these filthy rich bored women party and screw around on their wimpy desperately rich lalaland husbands -But - with a new and positive socio-cultural approach."

" He said; " All the action will be "Green"! - Green cars and energy efficient homes and macro dining and even green cocktails"

"This will be totally environmentally safe and energy efficient fucking around!" -said President Schlocker.

"Can you give us an example?" - asked Lisa Mandelbaum -the digibandit Hollywood bureau chief.

"Oh yes - definitely!" he said; "In one scene the young Malibu desperate housewife is giving a cocktail party reception for her much older husband (a famous movie director) and she slips down to the pool cabana with Hector the pool and landscape manager for their estate."

"And" -he went on; "While Hector is banging the shit out of her while she's laying over the cabana railing we see a shot of the solar panels next to the pool."

'That's green?" asked Mandelbaum.

He replied; "Yeah - don't you get it? The pool is heated with solar energy - It's green! - Dontcha fucking get it Lisa?"

Our reporter replied: " Maybe Hector should have a green dick?"

Schlocker exclaimed; "Hey -that's great - right on - Maybe a green condom? - Excuse me - I gotta call the producer!"

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Good Morning Hal -Shall I Suck Your Dick?

Researchers — leading computer scientists, artificial intelligence researchers and roboticists who met at the Asilomar Conference Grounds on Monterey Bay in California — generally discounted the possibility of highly centralized superintelligences and the idea that intelligence might spring spontaneously from the Internet. - But Dr. Moishe Pipick spokesman for the scientists said:

"Robots will definitely be able to provide sex which is far superior to what human females are capable of -and without all the bullshit"


The A.A.A.I. report will try to assess the possibility of “the loss of human control of computer-based intelligences.” It will also grapple, Dr. Horvitz said, with socioeconomic, legal and ethical issues, as well as probable changes in human-computer relationships. How would it be, for example, to relate to a machine that is as intelligent as your spouse and gives great head?

Fanfuckingtastic says the digibndit!

In the words of MLK "FREE at last - lord almighty - FREE at last!"

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Backyard Burials Make Sense! - Home Cremations and Euthenasia Next?

The cost savings can be substantial, all the more important in an economic downturn.

The average American funeral costs about $6,000 for the services of a funeral home, in addition to the costs of cremation or burial. A home funeral can be as inexpensive as the cost of pine for a coffin (for a backyard burial) or a few hundred dollars for cremation or several hundred dollars for cemetery costs.

“I think with our economy being the way that it currently is, and it’s getting worse, that many people who may not have chosen to do these types of things may be forced to because of the finances,” said Verlene McLemore, of Detroit, who held a home funeral for her son, Dean, in 2007. She spent about $1,300 for a funeral director’s services.

Well -listen up my friends - because the digibandit predicts that the next big thing will be the creation of Home Crematoriums which will save a lot of burial labor - and:

You home do -it- yourself types can build combo home crematoriums and heating units - And - then offer a crematorium service for deceased pets and neighbors - AND - Save on your home heating and overall energy costs at the same time.

Now - You go and add Home Euthanasia practices to the above and you have enormous medical cost savings AND an additional supply of heat and energy.

I mean - instead of granny rotting away in some nursing home and getting abused by black nurses and eating up your kid's college money -you give her some tranquilizers - shove her into the crematorium;

And POOF - she helps keep you warm and healthy through the winter and reduces your electric bill. (just as she would want )

And -It's totally green!

Obama is right on - American ingenuity will put us back on top -in the time it takes to say:

"Hey gramps - try a sip of this"

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

palin

It’s more likely that she will never get anywhere near the White House, and not just because of her own limitations. The Palinist “real America” is demographically doomed to keep shrinking. But the emotion it represents is disproportionately powerful for its numbers. It’s an anger that Palin enjoyed stoking during her “palling around with terrorists” crusade against Obama on the campaign trail. It’s an anger that’s curdled into self-martyrdom since Inauguration Day.
Its voice can be found in the postings at a Web site maintained by the fans of Mark Levin, the Obama hater who is, at this writing, the No.2 best-selling hardcover nonfiction writer in America. (Glenn Beck is No.1 in paperback nonfiction.) Politico surveyed them last week. “Bottomline, do you know of any way we can remove these idiots before this country goes down the crapper?” wrote one Levin fan. “I WILL HELP!!! Should I buy a gun?” Another called for a new American revolution, promising “there will be blood.”
These are the cries of a constituency that feels disenfranchised — by the powerful and the well-educated who gamed the housing bubble, by a news media it keeps being told is hateful, by the immigrants who have taken some of their jobs, by the African-American who has ended a white monopoly on the White House. Palin is their born avatar. She puts a happy, sexy face on ugly emotions, and she can solidify her followers’ hold on a G.O.P. that has no leaders with the guts or alternative vision to stand up to them or to her.
For a week now, critics in both parties have had a blast railing at Palin. It’s good sport. But just as the media muttering about those unseemly “controversies” rallied the fans of the King of Pop, so are Palin’s political obituaries likely to jump-start her lucrative afterlife

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Israeli's Target Muslim Assholes With Shit Seeking Missile

The Pentagon announced today that ; "The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (actual) - that are our worst enemies in the war on terror. "

General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .

"Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules"

"And have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance."

"If i were Osama Bin Fartin or Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al McBungi - or whatever his fucking stupid name is -- I would get a teflon asshhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over!"

"Oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."

Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick get's a little carried away kinda like your Vice President (ha ha) - but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country'

"President Obama announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck."

"That,s Democracy in action!"

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Palin Family To Tour US With 'Wild North" Carnival Show

Youv'e heard of Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show?

The show itself consisted of a series of "historical" scenes interspersed with feats of showmanship, sharp shooting, racing, or rodeo style events. Native Americans figured prominently in many of the scenes, often shown attacking whites in historical situations with Buffalo Bill or one of his colleagues riding in and saving the day.


Well - The Sarah Palin version of that cookoo event will be coming to a venue near you before you can say " Wow look at Sarah standing on Tod's shoulders going eighty miles per hour on his snowmobile - while she shoots a beer can off an Eskimo's head."(sponsored by Budweiser)

Yep - in this Annie Oakely meets the Munsters style traveling carnival Sarah will -as she says "Bring back the days when men were men and women were women" or as she said "before the Democrats turned into homo's and Jew and Injun lovers"

There will be a whale and wolfmeat barbeque and a tent revival prayer meeting and a shooting range.

Hey -the redneck Republicans will show up in droves with their guns and bibles and woop and holler in support of their great white hope for the resurrection of the GOP:

Which now officially stands for "Goyim Only Please"

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Celebrities Who Plan On Having Anal Sex July Fourth Weekend

In addition to the following lineup(oops) of celebrities engaging in some tuchas fireworks - there will be: - The Pope - Andrew Dice Clay - Barbara Bush - Ayatolah Komeini - Rush Limbaugh (with his sheep Oxy Cotton) - Clarence Thomas (with Antonin Scalia) - The Dalai Lama and Harvey Weinstein and Warren Buffet:

Adam Sandler Aishwarya Rai Alana De La Garza Ali Landry Ali Larter Alicia Silverstone Alyson Hannigan Alyssa Milano Amanda Bynes Amanda Peet Amy Adams Amy Jo Johnson Amy Lee Amy Smart Angelina Jolie Angie Harmon Anna Faris Anna Kournikova Arielle Kebbel Ashlee Simpson Ashley Judd Ashley Scott Ashley Tisdale Autumn Reeser Avril Lavigne-------B--------Beyonce Knowles Brad Pitt Brea Grant Bridget Fonda Bridgette Wilson*Britney Spears* Brittany Murphy Brittany Snow Brooke Burns Brooke Shields-------C--------Cameron Diaz Carrie Anne Moss Cassie Ventura Catherine Zeta Jones Chandra Wilson Charisma Carpenter Charlize Theron Christina Aguilera Christina Applegate Christina Ricci Claire Forlani Claudia Schiffer Colleen Haskell Constance Marie Courteney Cox-------D--------Dakota Fanning Deanna Russo Demi Moore Denise Richards Diane Lane Diora Baird Drea De Matteo*Drew Barrymore*-------E--------Elisha Cuthbert Eliza Dushku Elizabeth Hurley Elizabeth Shue Ellen Pompeo Elsa Benitez Emily Procter Emma Watson Emmy Rossum Eric Dane Erica Durance Estella Warren Eva Longoria Eva Mendes Evangeline Lilly-------F--------Faith Hill Felicity Huffman Fergie-------G-------Gabrielle Union Gena Lee Nolin Gillian Anderson Goldie Hawn Gwyneth Paltrow-------H-------Halle Berry*Hayden Panettiere* Heather Graham Heather Locklear Heidi Klum Helen Hunt Hilary Duff Hilary Swank-------I-------Isaiah Washington-------J-------Jaime Pressly James Pickens Jr Jenna Fischer Jennie Finch Jennie Garth Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Connelly Jennifer Garner Jennifer Lopez*Jennifer Love Hewitt* Jennifer Morrison Jenny McCarthy Jeri Ryan Jessica Alba Jessica Biel Jessica Simpson Jordana Brewster Josie Maran Jude Law Jules Asner Julia Roberts Julia Stiles Justin Chambers-------K-------Kate Beckinsale Kate Hudson Kate Walsh Kate Winslet Katee Sackhoff Katherine Heigl Katie Holmes Keira Knightley Kelly Carlson Kelly Clarkson Kelly Preston Kelly Ripa Keri Russell Kiley Dean Kim Basinger Kirsten Dunst Krista Allen Kristanna Loken Kristen Bell Kristin Kreuk Kurt Russell-------L--------Lacey Chabert Laetitia Casta Laura Linney Lea Thompson Leah Remini Leelee Sobieski Leila Arcieri Lindsay Lohan Lucy Lawless Lucy Liu-------M-------*Madonna* Majandra Delfino Mandy Moore Marcy Rylan Marg Helgenberger Mariah Carey*Marisa Miller* Masi Oka Masiela Lusha Meg Ryan Melissa Hart Mena Suvari Michelle Pfeiffer Michelle Rodriguez Michelle Ryan Mike Myers Miley Ray Cyrus*Minka Kelly* Mischa Barton Missy Peregrym Molly Sims Monica Keena-------N-------Nadine Velazquez Natalie Portman Natascha McElhone Neve Campbell Nicolas Cage Nicole Eggert Nicole Kidman Nicollette Sheridan Nikki Cox-------P-------Pamela Anderson Paris Hilton Patricia Arquette Patricia Heaton Patrick Dempsey Penelope Cruz Petra Nemcova Phoebe Cates Piper Perabo-------R-------Rachael Leigh Cook Rachel Bilson Raquel Alessi Rashida Jones Rebecca Romijn-Stamos Rebecca Saint James Reese Witherspoon Renee Zellweger Robin Williams Roselyn Sanchez Russell Crowe-------S-------Salma Hayek Sandra Bullock Sandra Oh Sara Paxton Sara Ramirez Sarah Jessica Parker Sarah Michelle Gellar Sarah Silverman Scarlett Johansson Shakira Shannon Elizabeth Sharon Stone Sigourney Weaver Steve Martin-------T-------T.R. Knight Tara Reid Tea Leoni Teri Hatcher Thora Birch Tiffani Amber Thiessen Tim Allen Tina Fey Tobey Maguire Tom Cruise Tommy Lee Jones Tori Spelling Tricia Helfer-------U-------Uma Thurman-------V-------Valerie Bertinelli Vanessa Angel Vanessa Anne Hudgens Vanessa Ferlito Vanessa Paradis Vanessa Williams Victoria Beckham Vin Diesel Virginia Madsen-------W-------Will Smith William Shatner-------Y-------Yasmine Bleeth-------Z-------Zachary Quinto Zoe Bell Zooey Deschanelat 2:47 PM
at 2:43 PM

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

"Don't Ask Don'T Tell" - Just Bend Over - You Cute Thing

When Marine Staff Seargent Lon McCracken returns to the barracks after surviving another deadly day on tour in Afghanistan:He puts down his gear and staggers into the shower - exhausted and edgy and sore as hell from chasing Talibani fighters up big mountains all day in the heat:And as he turns on the water he hears from the next shower stall:

"Oh Manny - oh Manny - ooh - ahhh - i love it! -OOH i love it - but please Ernie -for gods sake - use some more soap - your dick is practically in my colon -- ooh -- ooh"

At this point seargent Mc Cracken has grabbed his bayonet and in about three seconds Manny and Ernie are going to get some radical surgery.

I mean - the two homo's are just doing what comes naturally -and personally i don't care if a guy gets a blow job while shooting his machine gun at the enemy (as long as it doesn't affect his aim):

But - a lot of those southern crackers who make up about ninety five percent of the military are going to be a bit annoyed at seeing their comrades getting butt fucked and sucked off all over the battlefield and baracks.

Oh - and god forbid if the homos start ass fucking the enemy -oye vey!

This is a very thorny issue - because if the ignorant rednecks stop enlisting - we won't have enough infantry left to invade newfoundland.

It's kinda hard (oops) to cornhole your fagot buddy under the current "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy.

So maybe we should just leave things along until there's complete peace on earth?

"Don't Ask Don't Tell" Just Bend Over Cutie Pie

When Marine Staff Seargent Lon McCracken returns to the barracks after surviving another deadly day on tour in Afghanistan:He puts down his gear and staggers into the shower - exhausted and edgy and sore as hell from chasing Talibani fighters up big mountains all day in the heat:

And as he turns on the water he hears from the next shower stall:"Oh Manny - oh Manny - ooh - ahhh - i love it! -OOH i love it - but please Ernie -for gods sake - use some more soap - your dick is practically in my colon -- ooh -- ooh"

At this point seargent Mc Cracken has grabbed his bayonet and in about three seconds Manny and Ernie are going to get some radical surgery.I mean - the two homo's are just doing what comes naturally -and personally i don't care if a guy gets a blow job while shooting his machine gun at the enemy (as long as it doesn't affect his aim):

But - a lot of those southern crackers who make up about ninety five percent of the military are going to be a bit annoyed at seeing their comrades getting butt fucked and sucked off all over the battlefield and baracks.

Oh - and god forbid if the homos start ass fucking the enemy -oye vey!This is a very thorny issue - because if the ignorant rednecks stop enlisting - we won't have enough infantry left to invade newfoundland.

It's kinda hard (oops) to cornhole your fagot buddy under the current "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy.

So maybe we should just leave things along until there's complete peace on earth?

"Put Down The Fork Or Pay For Your Pork "-Says Obama

Obama said today – at a press conference - “Ok you tubby citizens – and that includes my dear porky pal Oprah and my big butted wife (heh heh) – Cut down on the rice – or pay the price”



“Put down the fork or pay for your pork!”



He continued "I am very serious about this issue because -- You can toss your empty soda cans in the recycle bin instead of the garbage, saving energy and reducing landfill. And you can wear hemp clothes and drive a hybrid car plastered with bumper stickers requesting the salvation of everything from owls to dust mites"



"There are lots of little ways to go green, but if you really want to help save the Earth, you can start by dropping a few pounds."



Obama said: "There's an old joke about a mother telling her son to finish the food on his plate because there are starving children in Africa. The smart-aleck's response is, "Got a stamp?"What's not a joke is that there is a finite amount of food in the world, and it is growing scarce. '



Recent food riots in Haiti, Sudan, Yemen, Mexico, Egypt, and other countries are a stark reminder that many people do not have enough to eat. The cost of staple foods such as corn, rice, and wheat are at record highs across the globe, and some can't afford to feed their families."



"Meanwhile in the United States, obesity is at an all-time high; two-thirds of adults in the Land of Plenty are overweight or obese. Obesity is perhaps the ultimate symbol of resource consumption; it's visible proof that overweight people already have" more than they need—and take more anyway."



"The causes of food shortages are varied and complex, but if Americans simply ate less food, there would be more for the rest of world. By some estimates, the average American consumes about 4,000 calories per day; that's twice what they need. Those 2,000 fewer calories would be available for those who truly need the food, and help to conserve Earth's natural resources."



"Overweight people create more air pollution than thin people do. It's simple physics: Extra pounds translate into extra fuel in automobiles and airplanes. Extra fuel means increased energy usage, oil drilling, and air pollution.A 2004 study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that for every ten pounds gained by the average American, airlines burned 350 million more gallons of fuel to carry the additional weight."



"That fuel spewed an estimated 3.8 million extra tons of carbon dioxide into the air.And as for that smaller hybrid car? It's a good start, but there's not much point in buying fuel-efficient vehicles if you're going to fill that large seat with your extra-large butt; you might as well throw a few sandbags in the trunk."



" Fuel efficiency drops dramatically with more weight the engine has to pull; the lighter you are, the less gas you burn, the more money you save, and the less pollution you emit."



"Of course, going green by going lean is easier said than done, and only part of the problem. But by getting ourselves healthier we also help save the planet. Not a bad deal.”



He concluded:"God Bless all your fat asses.” -Especially all those great big black asses!"

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Use of Cheap Toilet Paper Linked To Anxiety and Violence

The APA (American Pschological Association) has just released a comprehensive study which proves that individuals who use premium toilet paper are much higher achievers - They have significantly more self esteem - and are more content and they live longer and have much better sex lives.

Dr. Sam Moshenbein, who headed the research team at the APA said:

"About a year ago i came home from the store and realized i had bought -by accident - some of those 1,000 sheet rolls of cheapt toilet paper (i have been using Charmin Ultra for twent years now) - and i thought -"Hey maybe i'll use these and save some money (like wer'e all supposed to do now) and maybe even some trees?"

He continued; "Well - i noticed after a few days that i was feeling kinda anxious - and that my asshole was never quite dry -and after about ten days i started to really just not feel right -and i was kinda depressed and angry - and not sleeping."

"Well being a shrink i started to analyze what conditions might be causing my newfound anxiety and WHAMMO! - i ran out and bought some Charmin Ultra and came home and took a nice big dump and wiped away generously and luxuriously and"

"Within two hours i was feeling so good that i humped my Becky on the coffee table!"

Dr. Moshenbein continued; "And it was then that i decided we should do a comprehensive study covering the linkage between cheap vs. premium
toilet paper usage -and boy is it a mind bender!"

He went on: "I mean -we have known for some time now that toilet training related trauma generates significant behavioral implications."

"And -we know that in Arab countries like Iran where the Mullah's wipe their asses with their hands (or newspaper) -it contributes heavily in their prediliction for extremism and violence -and mistreatment of their women and children"

He concluded ; " But know we know that even in modern industrialized Democracies -The use of cheap toilet paper contributes to significant cultural disadvantages -which disproportionally affects lower income households -and minorities overall."

"Wer'e hoping the Obama administration will take steps through the Food and Drug Administration to set minimal standards for "anxiety free wiping" by mandating the amount of cotton in each sheet of toilet paper"

Well - now it all makes sense to me - everytime i use that cheap shit paper they put in all stores and public toilets - i feel like my asshole is squooshy -and it makes me want to drag my ass along the ground like a dog with some shit on it's asshair.

You know what i mean?

Yeah -but the Republicans will say " "Oh my God -it's finally happened - the democrats are putting government in our shit"

Well -it's ironic -because the Republicans have been putting shit in our government for years!