Court Jester -Slash fiction creator of incantatory creative dark energy - ideas -spells -kabbalistic journeys - and various satirical stories for fellow travelers gleefully trudging along!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
First Concierge Doctors - Now Food Tasters
Nobel Gave Bush An International "Fuck You"
Friday, October 09, 2009
Nagging Israeli Wives Push Settlement Expansion
"Abe -you good for nothing poor excuse for a Jewish husband!" - "You moved me and the kids out here in the middle of the desert -surrounded by angry goyim - in this poor excuse for a home - and you promised things would get better"
" Becky! But Becky! -you cried" -- "The land is cheap -we'll make a killing! -The goyim are morons! - For what do they need land? - It'll be ok. - You can have a nice garden and i'll build a swingset for the kinder"
"I told you then Abe -i can't live with you and four kids in a tiny place with one small bedroom and one bathroom -and no diniing area -and no laundry room" - "But - i listened to your pleading like a real schmuck."
" You promised - Becky Becky my darling - soon we'll expand - we'll make a killing! - I'll grow some nice lemons in the yard - and some cabbage for you to stuff - and the air is so clean"
"And Beckela -right over there where that bush is - that is where king David took a nice crap before he killed that giant goyim Goliath!"
"Beckela -my angel -this is the ancient homeland of the Jewish Prophets"
"Well now Abe! - I put up with this place for five years - with the goyim screaming and yelling -and the rotton plumbing - and the sandstorms and the rockets - and:
" Now i'm telling you - You build an addition on this house and put in a swimming poool - Or - me and the kids are going back to my parents in Tel Aviv -and i'm getting my cousin - the lawyer - Moishe Pipick to drain you dry with alimony and child support"
'You can stay out here with the goyim and the prophets - and you can shtupp the sheep!"
So -now you know why the settlement issue will NOT be solved any time soon - AND - why the Palestinians -whose wives only speak when spoken to - cannot grasp the depth of this problem.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Anna Nicole Smith Just Won't Go Away
Now that Anna is under renewed legal interest -- let's not forget my initial investigative report (below) of her exotic and mysterious death.
Anna Nicole Smith Did Not OD -- Death Caused By Her Huge Vibrator
Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.LA Examiner Dr.Sanjay Fakakta said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna had her last orgasm."
CSI investigative chief and a trained electrical engineer Hanran Voltar said;"Judging by the size of Anna's orgasm --we found her clitoris on a lawn in Brentwood which is three miles from the death scene -- the vibrator had to be extremely powerful, and it's motor which killed her, is commonly used in rocket propelled grenade launchers.
He went on -- "There were large holes burned into the mirror above her bed and from burn marks around her breasts, it is apparent that bolts of electricity shot out of her nipples and scorched the ceiling."
"Wow --you won't see that on CBS" -- said the Bandit celebrity reporter.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
What Makes Hunter's Such Sick Fucks You Nobel Scientists?
The mastery of light through technology was the theme of this year’s Nobel Prize in Physics as the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences honored breakthroughs in fiber optics and digital photography.
Ok that's just great -hooray and woopedydoodaday! But -how about some of you geniuses figuring out why a guy (women don't do this) will go into the woods and try and kill a beautiful wild creature -and enjoy the living shit out of it.
Oh yeah -it's killing season again -and we all know this is NOT about hunting or needing the meat. -- It IS all about the enjoyment derived from - say - shooting an arrow into the belly of a brown Bear -and the pure enjoyment of knowing it was "YOU" who did the killing. -You sick fuck -YOU!
I mean -if you all can figure out how shit we can't even see can make the world a more efficient place - Then - why not focus a tad on whatever is going on in those sick fucking dudes' minds' who just love to maim and hurt and kill.
Who LOVE to play with guns and are totally mesmerized by the power they feel when they shoot and destroy something -anything. (even beer cans and signs and shit)
I mean -what the fuck is wrong with these pathetic fucking men?
Is it a sex thing? -A small cock thing? -some wire loose?
Come on already you Nobel Prize seekers -come up with somethin!
Imagine if we could just get rid of these fuckers in the womb!
Monday, October 05, 2009
Talaban Leader Does Stand-Up
SARAROGHA, Pakistan – Flanked by heavily armed fighters, the new leader of the Pakistani Taliban sat on a blue blanket, amiable and relaxed as he cracked jokes and mixed in threats of vengeance for deadly U.S. airstrikes.
One day later, a suicide bomber attacked a U.N. office in Islamabad.
Badda Boom! -laughs all around!
You know iv'e been wondering for some time now if any of these stone age Muslims have any sense of humor?
I mean - did you ever hear an Islamo fascist laugh or tell a joke?
Iv'e always believed that if we could tickle their funny bones in some way it might loosen things up a bit in the Middle East.
Maybe we could start with this new leader of the Talaban who seems to like a joke or two. - SO - let's put some of our best joke writers on the case and see if we can't get a dialogue going here.
"Hey Mufti! -my wife bent over to grab a fig and she farted so loud i thought it was a land mine" - "You should have seen her Burkah fly open - And it was smelling like a burning Hummer!" hahahahahahhahahhaha
"Oh Mufti - and speaking of Hummer - my wife can suck the chrome off a trailker hitch!" hahahahhahha
Oh well - you get my drift - i'll bet a guy like Larry David could have these folks peeing in their pants - And then we'd open Comedy Clubs - and who knows?
Osama might get an agent - a marriage made in heaven!
Friday, October 02, 2009
Alabama Outlaws Dildo Sex
Alabama's Supreme Court recently decided the case of 1568 Montgomery Highway Inc. — also known as Love Stuff — v. the City of Hoover. In a 7-to-2 ruling, it upheld a state law banning the sale of sex toys. The dispute may seem a bit frivolous, but it rests on a fundamental question: After the Supreme Court’s 2003 ruling striking down sodomy laws, how free is the majority to impose its morality through the law?
So the religioredneckmorons are at it again -they failed in their quest to ban sodomy - so now they're after our sex toys.
And those of us who like to work in tandum with a high powered dildo while engaging in sodomy are now in risk of some Alabama Sherrif's deputy knocking down the door and putting us under arrest.
I mean - here's some redneck deputy who get's HIS rocks off by killing beautiful animals -with a court order to arrest me while i'm in my own home slamming my old lady up the can with a dildo?
I mean - Thomas Jefferson and John Adams will be rolling over in their graves -and Benjy Franklin who is supposedly the first person to use an electrified dildo (hooked up to a kite and key in a lightening storm) will probably return from the dead if he gets wind of this shit.
Well - fortunately -I'm told that the unholy alliance on the Supremo Court of Clarence (porno) Thomas and his Godfather Scalia will probably vote to over rule the Alabama decision.
They are notorious sex toy enthusiasts (Thomas supposedly showed Scalia pictures of his white wife sucking a foot long doubleheaded dildo while he sodomized her)
What the heck is next in this wacky world?
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Folks Who Welcome Death Can't Have Nukes
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
"Out With A Bang!" Plan Endorsed By AARP
Friday, September 25, 2009
Glen Beck Say's Sarah Palin Has Rotton Pussy
'When i woke after a night of humping Sarah Palin - I thought for a minute that i woke up in an Eskimo fishing village after they had just finished cleaning their Salmon catch." - Said Beck after returning from Wasilla where he was shooting wolves from a helicoptor with Sarah and Todd.
Glenn Beck Says Sarah Palin Needs To Douche
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Army Recruits Will Get Balls Busted By A Real Pro
FORT JACKSON, S.C. — It may come as no surprise that the Army’s new top drill sergeant idolizes Gen. George S. Patton Jr., has jumped out of planes 33 times, aces every physical training test and drives a black Corvette with “noslack” vanity plates.
But consider this: the sergeant is a woman.
On Tuesday, the Army will make Command Sgt. Maj. Teresa L. King, 48, commandant of its drill sergeant school here. It is a first. No woman has run one of the Army’s rigorous schools for drill instructors.
Well -it's about time the Army woke up and found out what every red blooded American Male has known from birth:
That women are the greatest and most efficient Ball Busters on Planet Earth!
So welcome Terry! - Maybe now we'll get some much needed state of the art NUT Busting for our troops who have gotten soft under the amateur Nut Cracking from MALE drill instructors.
I mean - if you want to kick a guy in the grapes - get a woman!
I mean -who do you think is cracking the nuts of those macho Marine DI's when they arrive home after a day of beating up on recruits? - No wonder they're in no shape for serious nut cracking in the am -Their wives have been at work breaking their balls from the time they got home from the field.
It's heartening to know that military ball breaking has reached the level of intensity -at last! -Which civilian men have experienced since Eve tore off Adam's cajones.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
First Recorded Case Of "Coyote Leg" Reported
A team of doctors from "Coyote Arm" International has confirmed that Manny Orbach from Bensonhurst in Brooklyn NYC - Chewed off a large chunk of his leg (which had to be subsequently amputated) -thinking it was his arm) when he awoke from a night of drunken revelry with Elise Mandelbaum draped across his body.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
WHO has Bill Clinton Been Shtupping Lately?
Aren't you dying to know? -I mean if you're one of those people who thinks he is being faithful to Hil -then there is an 87% chance that your wife is in a motel at this moment with your best friend.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Worldwide "Coyote Arm" Gathering Draws Millions
Saturday, August 22, 2009
United States Should Sell It's Prison Population
Moishe Pipick - head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"
He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."
"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."
He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Fox TV Announces "Get Freaky With Squeaky"
Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, 60, left the Federal Medical Center Carswell in Fort Worth at about 8 a.m. and was greeted by Fox TV President Myron Schlocker - and wisked away in his limo headed for his private jet and a meeting in LA -where he later announced:
"The kind of antics with which Squeaky captivated the nation's attention 30 years ago: shaving her red hair and carving an "X" into her forehead after Manson was convicted for orchestrating a mass murder, wearing a red robe when she pulled a gun on Ford, being carried into her trial courtroom by marshals when she refused to walk. -"Will now be put into creating America's next hit reality show -"Freaky Squeaky"
Schlocker went on;"In September 1975, she pushed through a crowd, drew a semiautomatic .45-caliber pistol from a thigh holster and pointed it at Ford, who was shaking hands with well-wishers while walking to the California State Capitol in Sacramento. ( Secret Service agents grabbed her and the gun, and Ford was unhurt)."
He went on; "Squeaky who got her nickname while in Manson's "family," possibly because of her voice, had become its leader. - During her trial, Fromme refused to attend or had outbursts."
"And catch this!" he exclaimed; ""She later was sentenced to 15 years in prison, which was tacked onto her life term for threats against the president, after escaping from a women's prison in Alderson, W.Va., in 1987. She was recaptured two days later about two miles away after a massive search. Squeaky had said she escaped from prison to be closer to Manson after hearing rumors that he was dying."
Schlocker stated; " Now is is this little gal and her wild bunch of nutcases gonna turn in one hell of a hit show? - It's gonna be humongous!"
Schlocker said; "Oh - almost forgot - heh heh - in 1979 as punishment for striking another inmate with a hammer while the two tended a garden on the prison grounds. She later was moved to Lexington, Ky., and then to Marianna, Fla."
"I mean - it just keeps getting better - well anyway - after thirty years behind bars she's finally gonna get to apply her god given talent to Fox Reality Television - heh heh"
"As Squeaky said thirty years ago" said Schlocker:
"I stood up and waved a gun (at Ford) for a reason," she wrote. "I was so relieved not to have to shoot it, but, in truth, I came to get life. Not just my life but clean air, healthy water and respect for creatures and creation."
Schlocker concluded: 'She's Squeaky clean and ready for prime time on Fox TV"
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
A perfect Place To Send All The Homo Priests
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“Then they raped me,” he said. “It was horrible, physically. I was dizzy. My thoughts just left me.”
For years, the thickly forested hills and clear, deep lakes of eastern Congo have been a reservoir of atrocities. Now, it seems, there is another growing problem: men raping men.
According to Oxfam, Human Rights Watch, United Nations officials and several Congolese aid organizations, the number of men who have been raped has risen sharply in recent months, a consequence of joint Congo-Rwanda military operations against rebels that have uncapped an appalling level of violence against civilians.
Aid workers struggle to explain the sudden spike in male rape cases. The best answer, they say, is that the sexual violence against men is yet another way for armed groups to humiliate and demoralize Congolese communities into submission.
The United Nations already considers eastern Congo the rape capital of the world, and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is expected to hear from survivors on her visit to the country next week. Hundreds of thousands of women have been sexually assaulted by the various warring militias haunting these hills, and right now this area is going through one of its bloodiest periods in years.
The joint military operations that began in January between Rwanda and Congo, David and Goliath neighbors who were recently bitter enemies, were supposed to end the murderous rebel problem along the border and usher in a new epoch of cooperation and peace. Hopes soared after the quick capture of a renegade general who had routed government troops and threatened to march across the country.
But aid organizations say that the military maneuvers have provoked horrific revenge attacks, with more than 500,000 people driven from their homes, dozens of villages burned and hundreds of villagers massacred, including toddlers thrown into open fires.
And it is not just the rebels being blamed. According to human rights groups, soldiers from the Congolese Army are executing civilians, raping women and conscripting villagers to lug their food, ammunition and gear into the jungle. It is often a death march through one of Africa’s lushest, most stunning tropical landscapes, which has also been the scene of a devastatingly complicated war for more than a decade.
“From a humanitarian and human rights perspective, the joint operations are disastrous,” said Anneke Van Woudenberg, a researcher for Human Rights Watch.
The male rape cases span several hundred miles and possibly include hundreds of victims. The American Bar Association, which runs a sexual violence legal clinic in Goma, said that more than 10 percent of its cases in June were men.
Brandi Walker, an aid worker at Panzi hospital in nearby Bukavu, said, “Everywhere we go, people say men are getting raped, too.”
But nobody knows the exact number. Men here, like anywhere, are reluctant to come forward. Several who did said they instantly became castaways in their villages, lonely, ridiculed figures, derisively referred to as “bush wives.”
Since being raped several weeks ago, Mr. Ziwa, 53, has not shown much interest in practicing animal medicine, his trade for years. He limps around (his left leg was crushed in the attack) in a soiled white lab coat with “veterinaire” printed on it in red pen, carrying a few biscuit-size pills for dogs and sheep.
“Just thinking about what happened to me makes me tired,” he said.
The same is true for Tupapo Mukuli, who said he was pinned down on his stomach and gang-raped in his cassava patch seven months ago. Mr. Mukuli is now the lone man in the rape ward at Panzi hospital, which is filled with hundreds of women recovering from rape-related injuries. Many knit clothes and weave baskets to make a little money while their bodies heal.
But Mr. Mukuli is left out.
“I don’t know how to make baskets,” he said. So he spends his days sitting on a bench, by himself.
The male rape cases are still just a fraction of those against women. But for the men involved, aid workers say, it is even harder to bounce back.
“Men’s identity is so connected to power and control,” Ms. Walker said.
And in a place where homosexuality is so taboo, the rapes carry an extra dose of shame.
“I’m laughed at,” Mr. Mukuli said. “The people in my village say: ‘You’re no longer a man. Those men in the bush made you their wife.’ ”
Aid workers here say the humiliation is often so severe that male rape victims come forward only if they have urgent health problems, like stomach swelling or continuous bleeding. Sometimes even that is not enough. Ms. Van Woudenberg said that two men whose penises were cinched with rope died a few days later because they were too embarrassed to seek help. Castrations also seem to be increasing, with more butchered men showing up at major hospitals.
Last year, Congo’s rape epidemic appeared to be easing a bit, with fewer cases reported and some rapists jailed. But today, it seems like that thin veneer of law and order has been stripped away. The way villagers describe it, it is open season on civilians.
Muhindo Mwamurabagiro, a tall, graceful woman with long, strong arms, explained how she was walking to the market with friends when they were suddenly surrounded by a group of naked men.
“They grabbed us by the throat and threw us down and raped us,” she said.
Worse, she said, one of the rapists was from her village.
“I yelled, ‘Father of Kondo, I know you, how can you do this?’ ”
One mother said a United Nations peacekeeper raped her 12-year-old boy. A United Nations spokesman said that he had not heard that specific case but that there were indeed a number of new sexual abuse allegations against peacekeepers in Congo and that a team was sent in late July to investigate.
Congolese health professionals are becoming exasperated. Many argue for a political solution, not a military one, and say Western powers should put more pressure on Rwanda, which is widely accused of preserving its own stability by keeping the violence on the other side of the border.
“I understand the world feels guilty about what happened in Rwanda in 1994,” said Denis Mukwege, the lead doctor at Panzi Hospital, referring to Rwanda’s genocide. “But shouldn’t the world feel guilty about what’s happening in Congo today?”
Monday, August 03, 2009
Fox Tv Announces '"The Desperate Green Housewives of Malibu CA."
Well with all the " 'Desperate'shtupping and cheating and lying and drinking and drugging going on all over televsion - i mean why not the Desperate Housewives of Williamsburg in Brooklyn NYC already? -They could show Hasidic housewives shtupping their brains out while the Rebbes are off in the jewelry exchange cheating the goyim."
"But i digress! - We at Fox are commited to quality cutting edge programming - So - in - 'The Desperate Green Housewives of Malibu
.CA.' - We will observe these filthy rich bored women party and screw around on their wimpy desperately rich lalaland husbands -But - with a new and positive socio-cultural approach."
" He said; " All the action will be "Green"! - Green cars and energy efficient homes and macro dining and even green cocktails"
"This will be totally environmentally safe and energy efficient fucking around!" -said President Schlocker.
"Can you give us an example?" - asked Lisa Mandelbaum -the digibandit Hollywood bureau chief.
"Oh yes - definitely!" he said; "In one scene the young Malibu desperate housewife is giving a cocktail party reception for her much older husband (a famous movie director) and she slips down to the pool cabana with Hector the pool and landscape manager for their estate."
"And" -he went on; "While Hector is banging the shit out of her while she's laying over the cabana railing we see a shot of the solar panels next to the pool."
'That's green?" asked Mandelbaum.
He replied; "Yeah - don't you get it? The pool is heated with solar energy - It's green! - Dontcha fucking get it Lisa?"
Our reporter replied: " Maybe Hector should have a green dick?"
Schlocker exclaimed; "Hey -that's great - right on - Maybe a green condom? - Excuse me - I gotta call the producer!"
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Good Morning Hal -Shall I Suck Your Dick?
"Robots will definitely be able to provide sex which is far superior to what human females are capable of -and without all the bullshit"
The A.A.A.I. report will try to assess the possibility of “the loss of human control of computer-based intelligences.” It will also grapple, Dr. Horvitz said, with socioeconomic, legal and ethical issues, as well as probable changes in human-computer relationships. How would it be, for example, to relate to a machine that is as intelligent as your spouse and gives great head?
Fanfuckingtastic says the digibndit!
In the words of MLK "FREE at last - lord almighty - FREE at last!"