Apple announces 'Pleasure Pod" -with SexBook App option

With the huge success of Google's masturbation App - Apple has announced their new"Pleasure Pod" which will include:

Virtual sex phone hookers

Hot porno tailored to the user's tastes

A built in vibrator for the gals

a hooker shopping app

AND for a small additional fee an app which will connect the user with compatible sex phone partners

(like Facebook only it's called SexBook)

Patriarch Kirill and Ayatollah Komeini -Birds of a Feather

"The Pussy Riot case has underlined the vast influence of the Russian Orthodox Church. Although church and state are formally separate, the church identifies itself as the heart of Russian national identity and critics say its strength effectively makes it a quasi-state entity. Some Orthodox groups and many believers had urged strong punishment for an action they consider blasphemous.

The head of the church, Patriarch Kirill, has made no secret of his strong support for Putin, praising his leadership as "God's miracle," and he describing the punk performance as part of an assault by "enemy forces" on the church.

The Orthodox Church said in a statement after Friday's verdict that the band's stunt was a "sacrilege" and a "reflection of rude animosity toward millions of people and their feelings." It also asked the authorities to "show clemency toward the convicted in the hope that they will refrain from new sacrilegious actions."

Some day the world will be free from old dickless men in robes backed by guns - dictating morality and supressing basic freedoms in the name of THEIR personal god.

viva Pussy Riots everywhere!

No Free Emergency Room you Bum! - Go See a Witch Doctor! -or pay fair share

I Tole you to bring a Chicken

While all the morons are rallying agains against requiring folks to at least chip in a little in paying for their freeby health care -which we other folks have to pay for - just remember:

"Justice Department lawyers responded that a choice not to obtain health insurance was itself an active decision that, taken in the aggregate, shifted the cost of caring for the uninsured to hospitals, governments and privately insured individuals." NY Times today

So it's simple! -You break a leg or get the flu? - I'm not payin for your ER visit you bum!

Go to a fucking witch doctor! -UNLESS -you can prove you have No assets -and that includes Cable TV and any brand of premium toilet paper and oh cigarettes?
Kiss my ass! -Why should we responsible folks ante up when you won't even contribute the token amount essential to support a Health Care system that works for needy kids and poor old folks. - et al.

Star Comics begin "C'mon Laugh - You Mean Stinky Muslims!" Tour

 laugh - you mean stinky motha fuckas

Chris Rock -who will lead the Middle East Islamo Fundamentalist Tour said today :

a Camel and a Mullah walk into a bar...

"Hey -you show me a country where there is no stand-up Comedy - and i will show you a violent motherfucking stink hole of a place guaranteed. "
He said; "Here's a typical Muslim fundamentalist joke:

" Arak - did you know my cousin blew a Jew? - No! - What You mean Mucak? - Your cousin blew a Jew? He must be killed! - No! No! No! Arak - Heh! Heh! He BLEW him up with fifty other infidels -- hahahahahahahhahahahha"

 use some Charmin instead of your stinky hand

Rock concluded; "Well wer'e gonna change all that and bring some laughs to these repressed uptight -no laughin motha fuckas. - Me and my friends - and i hope we don't get blown."

I'm a little worried about Robin Williams - like he starts out with "Hey you stinky sand niggas -you all hear the one about the Ayatollah fucking a Camel in the ass and a Jew comes along and..."

"Whoa Robin -you fucking crazy motha fucka" I said - "You gonna get us all raped and beheaded!"

Yo Komeini! -stop cornholing Ahmadinejad!

And he says "That ain't shit! -Wait till you hear the stuff that Andrew Dice Clay is gonna lay on these folks - he told me that they have to be shocked into a sense of humor and he is pulling out all the stops!"

Rock continued; "And Whoopie said she's goin for the juglar with the feminist jokes -because you know Whoopie don't go for the Islamo's treatin their chicks like dirt"

"Whoopie said she's got a whole routine about all the Arab Muslims being latent homos and having tiny dicks and shit like that -and she's gonna hand out Ultra Charmin and she thinks once they stop using their hands to wipe their asses maybe they will act more gentle."

Rock concluded "Well either they will start laughing or leave to get their guns - in which case - it's adios time for the whole crew -and fuck their smelly nasty Islamo asses!"

Elvis Visits Priscilla Presley -says - "He and God think Romney and Ryan are Douchebags"

Elvis says God said says Romney/Ryan are douchebags

 first boner iv'e had in 35 years

"I was settin on The Veranda when he appeared as clear as day and told me he only had a minute to say that both he and God took a long hard look at the presidential candidates and concluded that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan were the biggest pair of douchebags to ever run for the office of president"

Priscilla went on; "Then came the real shocker! -Elvis said that God said that they were a pair of  genuine phony cocksuckers!  - And then he said ;"And you know God don't usually go for cussun!."

 Don't let these cocksuckers win!

She concluded; ""And then -oh gosh -he said he wished i could see his 8 inch boner which he got from seein my bodaceous ta ta's again!"

"And then he was gone! - Gee i sure am glad i had my tits fixed!"

ps "  Jeez -almost forgot -he said Jesus thought they were a coupla assholes!"

Donald Trump Will Develop Palestinian Pleasure Palace

Hasids get a 20% discount on all blow jobs

 The Donald will set us free

The Donald has come out with a revolutionary solution to the "Palestinian Problem". he announced today that; " Let's face it the Moslems need a place to let off some steam and the Palestinians need some dinero real fast!"
 Trump announced "I propose turning the West Bank into the Las Vegas of the Middle East!" - " Jobs -- unlimited money -- an outlet for people who won't have to blow themselves apart to get into Paradise (no Virgins but real pros heh heh) -- and tons of cash for the Palestinian leaders to extort and steal and waste (the one thing they are great at)."
We can send a delegation of American Indian Tribal Chiefs -Casino Moguls (you know the tribal/ caveman thing that the Arabs love ) over there with a trillion bucks to get everything going and Voila! -- peace with the Jews --- prosperity -- and "Mellow Muslims" -- a first for fourteen hundred years."
"!Cash -- hookers -- gambling -- shows -- drugs and booze -- works every time!"

"Lucky seven -- pay the little lady in the see though Burkah!"

Price is Right Announces - Fat Poor Male Moron -Talent Search

 Price is Right Rules

Casting Call: The longest-running daytime game show, The Price Is Righthosted by Drew Carey CBS is launching its first-ever male model search.  The search will air as a five-episode web series competition via PriceIsRight.com and Youtube.com/PriceIsRight with finalists revealed during the September 28 episode of The Price Is Right.  

Viewers will vote online for their favorite finalist online through October 4 with the winner receiving a lifetime supply of Velveeta Cheese and Corn Dogs -the two favorite foods of the Price is Right audience AND a plastic dining room table and chairs.

Candidates cannot have an IQ above the average 95 for average Price is Right viewers nor a family income of over the $18,500 median income average.

Finally -the candidates must have a Body Mass Index (BMI) of no less than 148 which is the median BMI for all price is Right viewers.

 Welcome Crap Crazed morons

 The search launches with an open casting call in Los Angeles on August 30 at KCBS Studios in Studio City, CA.  For more information about the open casting call, rules and eligibility as well as the online voting procedures, please visit priceisright.com.  FremantleMedia North America produces The Price Is Right. 

Drew Carey said: "I have stopped puking everyday at the thought of hosting this show for  crap crazed morons - i no longer think of killing myself and have accepted the fact that i sold my soul for  money -and i just think of the georgeous hookers waiting for me every night"

First Army General Without Balls!--THAT"S Fantastick!

An Army officer being promoted to brigadier general openly acknowledged her homosexuality on Friday by having her wife pin her star to her uniform, thus becoming the first openly gay officer of flag rank in the United States military.

General Smith graduated from West Point in 1980 and is married to Tracey Hepner

In LA it's Mexican Jewish Deli Shock -Corned Beef on Rye with Jalapeno

 Katz' Deli in NYC

So I'm in LA and my son says "Hey Pops- How about a nice Corned Beef on rye -we're right near a famous LA kosher deli"

I says "Go on -I'm used to getting my corned beef and pastrami sandwiches at Katz' on West Houston street in NYC (alleged to have killed more Jews than Hitler) - "you gotta be kidding! -Kosher deli in LA -That's an oxymoron"

Lee replies; "No way -Jerry's in Marina Del Ray has authentic NY caliber - max out artery clogging cold cuts on Jewish rye that will put lead in your old pencil -guaranteed!"

So here we are at Jerry's and i have just ordered a corned beef on rye from -get this - from a Mexican deli man.

Now just for the record -my position on cross border immigration is -"C'mon in! - EVERY Mexican illegal or illegal -in my opinion -is ten times the human being than all the white Americans living outside the blue states -AND i would prefer living next to a Mexican gang banger than any religious Christian or rich wasp"

BUT - i do not want to order a Corned beef on Rye from one of them -it's like putting mayo on a Brisket sandwich (which my son just ordered -and he is now officially out of my will.)

Oh -and when i asked Luis for some kosher garlic dills he informed me that he never heard of them -I was waiting for him to ask me if i would like some jalepenos instead (in which case i would have called immigration)

 How about a Corned Beef Burrito?

My son said -"Oh poppy -you are an old fashioned Jew!"

SO! -LA has turned my son into an anti-semite -and is basically transforming authentic corned beef and pastrami and brisket and salami sandwiches -Kosher Deli et. al -into Jewish Burritos.

Oh -and my skinny -virtually fat free Corned Beef sandwich tasted like crap!

Fuck Jerry's!

"What Hump?" - Paul Ryan - Budget Hunchback for Dr. Mittenstein

Remember Mel Brooks' hysterical movie - "The 

Young Frankenstein"

 Paul is ABNormal

 Humpless Hump

And now Marty Feldman is BACK playing his nephew - the ugly budget Hunchback to Mitt Romney's out of touch with reality -Doctor Mittenstein.
Together they want to bring back the dead!

Republican  policies that ruined the economy -except for the rich!

ps  Anne Romney overheard telling Mitty "he's the ugliest fuck iv'e ever seen and he's not coming to any of our beautiful people dinner parties or horsey shows"

Romney has A Broken "Early Asshole Warning Sysyem"

Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)
If Darwin DIDN'T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!

Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!

It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.
Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)

What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)
Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"

These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!
Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is not knowing that YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)
I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:

And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"
It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)

More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.

White Supremacists Have Black Penis Envy -Says Lisa Lampanelli

 THAT"S Supremacy!

"The White hate groups are nothing more than a small dick club" said Lisa Lampanelli who also said   "Iv'e had more black dick in me than the urinals at The Apollo Theatre"

She continued: "Every time a chick looks at one of these fucking wimps naked and says -Geez Elmer/Goober -is that all?  - Uh Uh - I gotta call Leroy right away and beg him to come home! -Well - that's another recruit in their Army of the small dicks  -and so they make up all this small dick macho nazi shit to compensate for their manhood deficiency."

"But what about their hatred for The Jews"  asked the digibandit investigative reporter Elise Mandelbaum?

 I'm Small and Scared

Lampanelli replied: "Well - Elise- i'm sure you know that Jewish men are dynamite pussy eaters and those dickless Aryan's are too repressed to go there -SO  the Jews get all the really hot snatch! -and that leaves only fat ugly chicks for the dickless wonders!"

"Wow" said Mandelbaum -"That explains it for sure! - hey wanna come to my place and i'll show you some real brush eating. -oh -and bring Leroy."

NBC asked Jack Osborne to be a Target in an Iron Lung - on "Stars Earn Stripes"

 fire away

 Yesterday, NBC Entertainment Chairman Bob Greenblatt responded toSharon Osbourne and her claims that her son, Jack Osbourne was let go from NBC's upcoming new reality series, Stars Earn Stripes after he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.  Reportedly, Sharon Osbourne was angry at NBC's supposed decision which prompted her to leave her position as judge on America's Got Talent. 

"First, we have the deepest affection for Sharon Osbourne and consider her to be part of the NBC family," 

 Although we did not ask Jack to participate in the competition because of his MS disability, we were able to offer him two substantial alternative roles on the show:

hoo hoo

One - was to be a target in a bullet proof Iron Lung.   

Second - we offered him a role as a dancing Chimpanzee in the show open where his disability could be covered as wild uncoordinated dancing

Both of which he declined. This network does not discriminate on any basis."

Suicide Bomber Returns From Paradise -Say's "It's a Real Shithole"

 welcome to paradise

"Osama Bin Tuchas has returned from Paradise and boy is he pissed off!" said Brigadier general Moishe Pipick a spokesman for Mossad. (Israeli's intelligence service)

He stated: "Osama arrived in paradise expecting his promised pool full of hot Virgins and all the other goodies The Shiite Muslim preachers said would be his if he blew up a Sunni wedding party but said Osama;"

The fucking pool was full of camel shit and the so called virgins were a bunch of fat fucking ugly -diseased whores from Tehran."

Osama went on; "I am the first suicide bomber to escape from their shithole of a Paradise and let me tell my Muslim Brothers - Paradise is a real crap hole -even WORSE than where you now live."

General Pipick said ;"This is gonna put a real crimp in the number of suicide freako pschopaths they can recruit.

"Sure will" said Osama -to say nothing of the fact that while i managed to escape -i have no arms or legs or cock -and only one ball."

Dolphins and Whales Cheer as Japs Continue To Suffer From Tsunami Aftermath

No i'm not talking about the millions of Chinese and Koreans they raped tortured and murdered during their occupation of those countries before and during WW2:

I'm talking about their continuing slaughter of Dolphins and Whales which we all know have more intelligence and sensitivity than your average red neck Republican.
I mean wouldn't you rather see Sarah Palin and that whole crowd of Bible Belting Morons screaming for air as they drowned in a Tuna net - or heaving up fountains of blood from a harpoon stuck in their guts than a Dolphin or a Whale
Anyway -The Japanese would eat their children if they had fins and now those lovely Sea Mammals are high fiving with their fins and blowing up spouty cheers as their tormentors deal with their well deserved karma payback..

Fox TV adds Annie Parisse to "Serial CornHole Killers" midseason thriller

Former Law & Order star, Annie Parisse is joining FOX's midseason thriller Following CornHole Killers as a series regular.  The Following stars Kevin Bacon as past FBI agent Ryan Hardy who is brought in as a consultant when serial cornhole killer Joe Carroll (James Purefoy) escapes and begins a new Cornhole killing spree.  

Parisse will play FBI Specialist Debra Parker who is brought in to lead the investigation of Carroll and his followers.

In her opening episode Parisse gets raped and almost cornholed to death by Joe Caroll (James Purefoy) but Kevin Bacon as an FBI agent skilled in Sniper shooting - manages to shoot one of Joe's nuts off and saves Debra Parker's life. 

The Following is from Bonanza Productions Inc. in association with Outerbanks Entertainment and Warner Bros. Television. 

Spain Tortured and Expelled The Jews - Now It Produces Their Hasidic Hats

A tale of great irony -500 years after being tortured and oppressed and finally  kicked out of Spain  (and marginalized and slaughtered by Christians world-wide for over a millenium)  - Jews returned to Jerusalem - building their own powerful Democratic country out of sand and swamp  - and - NOW - buy their Hasidic Sombreros from a struggling Spanish hatmaker.  

"despite the Spanish economic crisis, the hat company is thriving, thanks to an unlikely revenue base: the sales of thousands of black hats each year to Satmar Hasidic Jews in Jerusalem and Brooklyn."

“They are saving us in the crisis,” said Miguel García Gutiérrez, 35, the managing director of the Roche factory, officially known as Industrias Sombrereras Españolas, which operates in an industrial park in Salteras, about nine miles outside Seville. 

Some history

In the same month in which their Majesties [Ferdinand and Isabella] issued the edict that all Jews should be driven out of the kingdom and its territories, in the same month they gave me the order to undertake with sufficient men my expedition of discovery to the Indies." So begins Christopher Columbus's diary. The expulsion that Columbus refers to was so cataclysmic an event that ever since, the date 1492 has been almost as important in Jewish history as in American history. On July 30 of that year, the entire Jewish community, some 200,000 people, were expelled from Spain.

Tens of thousands of refugees died while trying to reach safety. In some instances, Spanish ship captains charged Jewish passengers exorbitant sums, then dumped them overboard in the middle of the ocean. In the last days before the expulsion, rumors spread throughout Spain that the fleeing refugees had swallowed gold and diamonds, and many Jews were knifed to death by brigands hoping to find treasures in their stomachs.

America Should Have Stayed a British Colony

We Would have A Queen

 Completely Nuts

Watching the  redneck morons and just plain stupid and incompetent anti-science and anti-aesthetic -demigods and intellect hating folks who comprise the Tea Party gang -  started me thinkin about the original Tea Party and the American Revolution -and i realized with great dismay that it would be a much better World if the British had won our Revolutionary War:

The common folk in the present UK are like Rocket Scientists compared to the commoners in the USA! They watch the BBC and are mostly non religious or Church of England which is like being a Buddhist compared to an American Christian -and they are MARRIED! - Reverends don't sodomize children (they sodomize their wives like normal people do) -AND they don't feel the need to own vaults filled with guns or to kill beautiful animals for a thrill.

In The UK they have a House of Lords that knows the Common folk are assholes -and they are not ashamed to say so.

They also have a House of Commons where the people's representatives act like common assholes and are expected to by the asshole people -Who then get EXACTLY what they need and desrve,

They also have a Queen! - How fucking cool is that -AND as a result all the Gays are happy.

Oh -and without a whole lot of loony religious conservatives - you don't have debates about whether Darwin was an Atheist Jew lover and Creationism should be taught in schools -or whether a Zygote is a human being - and how God said in the bible that gays were Vermin (and all that other lovey dovey Scripture stuff)

AND AND AND -if The British HAD won the war with us - They would have been strong enough to maintain the British Empire in style:

Hence - NO First World War (Germany wouldn't have said boo with a powerful British Empire standing in their way) -AND hence no WWTwo - NO USSR and no cold war. (i estimate the savings in loss of life alone - at around two hundred million.)

AND best of all would have been (second only to the non emergence of those American Tea Bag morons):

When you called a customer service department for help with ANY product or service -Instead of getting "Hellooo Dees is Dakta in Mombay Ken i help Voooo?"

You would hear "Ello Mate -Gotta bit ov a problem have yeh? - well you just hold on Gov - an we will fix er right up!"

So -fuck George Washington and ALL The Founding fathers -

They screwed us Royally!

Rule Brittania!

Vultures Compared To Catholic Cornholing Priests

Priest 

i wouldn't cornhole a kid

if i could fly i would fuck Vultures

 i wouldn't fuck a Priest with your cock

 i wish you were ten years old my dear




NOW the Comparison:

Vultures  eat rotting flesh and defend themselves by projectile vomiting at their enemies. Throw in the fact that that they can fly, can grow to have wing spans of close to 6 feet, and grunt and hiss like giant snakes when they feel threatened, and you have an animal fashioned from the nightmares of Edgar Allen Poe, as directed by Tim Burton, in a very bad mood.

Toss in the popular notion that you only see these things when you’re alone, near death, somehow stuck walking alone through a dessert, and we’re pretty much talking about the opposite of a butterfly here.

Consider these vulture fun facts: (Spoiler alert- they are not fun).

- a vulture can eat a diseased corpse of an animal, and through its digestive system, the disease will be rendered neutral, that is to say, the vulture’s poop will be clean. Which is nice.

- the vomit of a vulture has more acidic content than acid rain, and if its incredible stench doesn’t scare away its predator, the vomit contacting the skin will actually burn it.

- vultures urinate on themselves as a method of cooling their skin and destroying bacteria that may have gotten on them while feeding on a dying, diseased animal. Sure, they could be more careful about eating, but then they wouldn't have the need to pee on themselves.

- a vulture will often begin eating an animal corpse at its anus or at its eyes. Why? Because in most cases, that is where the dead animal is most vulnerable. So, ah, take that, other animals who think they’re creepy- I’m talking to YOU- eels, tapeworms and ticks.

- vultures can smell a dead mouse under leaves at 200 feet in the sky. To put that in perspective, consider that if milk smells bad, you know immediately to not put it in your coffee- the vulture would be all like “ah, no, it’s the other way around.”

But -Remember this -A Vulture unlike a homo priest -will not fuck a nine year old Altar Boy in the tuchas. 

Animal Planet renews "Cornhole Gator Boys"

Animal Planet snapped up a second season of Cornhole Gator Boys starring Paul Bedard and Jimmy Riffle who capture alligators with their bare hands and then Cornhole them and each other.

Each evening they sit around the fire eating Cornholed Gator meat and swapping yarns and cornholing each other -and then heading into town for a Cornholing fiesta  


During its first season, Gator Boys averaged close to 1 million total viewers.  In its second season airing next year, Paul and Jimmy will move to a new location, Gulf Coast Gator Ranch in Moss Point, Mississippi where they find the alligators are bigger and meaner than those the guys have encountered to date and really hate being cornholed.


  Cornholer Productions is behind the series.