Seared Vagina - While Dining Nude
“While two dozen women took big, synchronized breaths, stretched their arms up and wobbled, one of the sheets covering the street-facing windows occasionally fell. Several of the women scurried over to tape it back up.
This was necessary, after all, since everyone inside, at a dinner earlier this month on the Lower East Side, was naked.
The Füde Dinner Experience is hosted by the artist and model Charlie Ann Max. For $88, and after Ms. Max has approved the applications, guests come together to enjoy, according to the website: “a liberating space that celebrates our most pure selves, through plant-based cooking, art, nudity, & self-love.”
Put another way: It’s a naked vegan dinner party with a bunch of strangers.”
And suddenly! An agonizing blood curdling scream!
Shelley Epstein, 21, had dutifully disrobed but kept her white socks on because it was “comfy.” She hoped the dinner would help her be more socially confident. “I’m definitely sometimes on the shy side, so something like this is really pushing
Her partner Muriel Bushwick, 35, said she had just come back from doing cacao, tobacco and temazcal ceremonies in Nicaragua, and wanted to “keep that energy going.”
“I think nudity allows us to connect in a different way,” she said. “To strip away what the patriarchy has put on us. Like, uber-sexuality or hyper-sexuality.”
As a nude waiter -the formerly Irwin Goldstein - Now transed into Irwina Goldina - approached Ms. Bushwick, he suddenly felt a bout of vertigo at the dazzling array of a room filled with nude women, which he had never experienced as an unattractive fat young man trapped in his heretofore stunted male biome - AND he stumbled while pouring her an ample bowl of carrot and ginger soup.
What made matters worse was that The heat had been cranked up, and women periodically fanned themselves with their menus. Many attendees were menstruating at the event, which everyone agreed was pretty remarkable.
Guided by Chelsea Leyland, 35 — the founder of the menstrual health company Looni, which had collaborated with Ms. Max on the dinner — women were prompted to share a word that summarized their relationship with their periods. There were tales of embarrassing menarches, disasters in white jeans, period sex and struggles with chronic conditions like endometriosis.
“There’s a lot of nervousness I have when I get my period, because I tend to bleed through my clothes a lot,” one woman said.
SO -While some women discussed finger painting with their menstrual blood, and a few others said they’d like to try that. One woman expressed frustration that her cycle was not synced with the moon.
AND
Muriel Bushwicks vagina was engulfed in a red hot stew of ginger blood - AND as she screamed for help while a mad scramble of mostly menstruating nude women erupted in a chaotic intensity worthy of “The Inferno” - The owner of the restaurant - Carla Goldberg - saturated Muriel’s scalded vagina with a a fire extinguisher!
Muriel was taken to Lennox Hill Hospital for immediate surgery for third degree burns to her vagina and clitoral reconstruction.
Carla Goldberg sentenced to three years in prison for emergency medical malpractice and a one million dollar fine! (a harsh sentence due to her insensitive statement to the jury)
Defense attorney - Ms. Goldberg -Did you recognize the significance of the trauma when you applied that fire extinguisher to the wound?
Ms Goldberg -”Trauma schmama! - She should have just went home and filled her vibrator with ice and the whole thing wouldv’e healed up after a couple of orgasms!”
PS -Irwina Goldina the waiter married Shelley Epstein ( Golderg’s ex) and was found hung in their home in Sweden last year.
Muriel Bushwick married her trans female gynecological surgeon and they live happily in Manhattan.
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