Natalie Portman Has Never Sucked A Cock Say's COLA Report

In an astonishing revelation -- Dr. Libowitz announced today:


"We scanned a photo of Natalie from her latest file and lo and behold -she has NEVER had a cock pass between her lips: according to the Cock Over Lips Analyzer (COLA) system."


"We contacted Natalie by phone in Africa and she told us the following:"


"First of all i think the COLA system is definitely going to upen up a new sense of spirituality in human relationships - and i am very proud to have it scientifically confirmed -- that i have never sucked a cock"



She continued; "First of all i am so tired of my dates begging me to go down on them == and crying that they think i must have sucked off a million guys - so why not them?"



"Secondly -- i think that oral sex is the ultimate display and commitment of intimacy, and i am saving it for a very special guy -and then -believe you me - he will be one happy dude."



She concluded -- "However -- I sure am happy that there is no such thing as a CIA (Cock In Ass) scanner system -- heh heh."



Dr. Libowitz was later asked about developing a modified COLA system to scan assholes and measure how many times a person has been cornholed?



He responded; "Yep -natalie is right on the money and we are in development on it, Say -Natalie had a great name suggestion -CIA system - i like that CIA acronym! -(It's kinda like the real CIA assholes- heh heh)."



"Well thanks Natalie - the only problem with the CIA (Cocks In Ass) System is - that it will be much harder to get the photographs"

Send us a photo of your asshole and we will test scan it.



"But it's definitely coming!"

First Male Results Are Finally In ---- - The Pope has Sucked over Six-Hundred Cocks

Dr. Sergio Libowitz made the long awaited announcement today -- "My Revolutionary COLA (Cocks Over Lips Analyzer) System - can now read Male Lips."

For our inaugural male analysis -- We scanned the Popes lips from a photograph of him in America last week and the results are conclusive:

"That Pope Benedick is a major cocksucker!"

The Dr. said in a press conference at his mountaintop laboratory in Switzerland today; "We hope the spiritual leader of all Catholics will not suffer any loss of spiritual credibility -from the scientific "Revelation" -- that he is a major cocksucker!"

Six -hundred cocks sucked is twice the number revealed for Hannah Montana in a previous report. (blog)

Furthermore - he stated; "We hope that as the COLA system gets into full swing - humanity will utilize this new scientific tool to pierce the veil of hypocrisy which deludes our perceptions of our leaders and cultural icons (and our friends and families and loved ones) -- and that we will :"

"Move forward into a world where everyone knows exactly how many cocks you have sucked - a world gentled and uplifted and purified with "behavioral clarity"

Let our new anthem be; "You Can suck - But You Can't Hide"

Paris Hilton Has Sucked Over Three Thousand Cocks -- Reports Expert Lip Analyzer

As previously reported:

Dr, Sergio Libowitz - a Swedish neurologist - has developed a way to estimate how many times a woman has had a penis pass between her lips, by analyzing a photograph of her face. ----- Speaking from his mountaintop laboratory in Zermatt today , during a world conference meeting of lip surgeons - he stated: "Using a combination of electron laser spectography and bio-molecular resonance screenings of a digital facial picture- i can detect -within a five percent margin of error how many times a cock has passed between the lips of a woman ----- and soon i will be able to extend my findings to men."

His first disclosure indicated that Hannah Montana had sucked over three hundred cocks - but todays test results show that when it comes to cock sucking "Wow -Paris Hilton makes Hannah look like a rookie!" -said Dr. Libowitz .

"At first we thought we had misinterpreted the data - but after recalibrating our laboratory hardware and software - our results where proven accurate."

He stated; "This woman just may wind up in the cocksucking hall of fame - but then again we are just getting started - and we are eagerly awaiting the analysis of Pope Benedick and Rush Limbaugh."

"We are also beginning to see a relationship between heavy cocksucking and a reduction in cholesterol levels - which means sucking a cock a day may replace the apple"

"A cock a day keeps the cardiologist away"

Lot's more coming on this medical breakthrough!

Hannah Montana Has Given Over Three Hundred Blow Jobs - Say's Lip Reader Expert

Dr, Sergio Libowitz - a Swedish neurologist - has developed a way to estimate how many times a woman has had a penis pass between her lips, by analyzing a photograph of her face.

Speaking from his mountaintop laboratory in Zermatt today , during a world conference meeting of lip surgeons - he stated:

"Using a combination of electron laser spectography and bio-molecular resonance screenings of a digital facial picture- i can detect -within a five percent margin of error how many times a cock has passed between the lips of a woman -and soon i will be able to extend my findings to men."

He continued: " I will be establishing a world wide data base and will publish the results as they apply to world leaders and celebrities and political candidates on our web sight - cocksuckers.com"

"I started with Hannah Montana because i was so concerned about the impact of those Vanity Fair pictures on my three tween daughters - and sure enough - she is one major dick diver!"

Finally he said;"The social -political and moral implications of my research are fantastic."

"Oh - the first male screening result will be the Pope - stay tuned."

Hillary Would Make A Great "M" In The Next "James Bond" Movie

Yep -it's too bad that dame Judith Densch has the role all locked up (she's also terrific) - because Hillary would be a natural as the the tough as nails chief of British intelligence.

And in pondring upon this casting concept it became apparent to me how deficient Obama would be in the role of James Bond.

Actually - i would cast him as a black Pewee Herman or maybe Mr. Bean.(although he could play a young black version of that old guy who supplies Bond with all his cool weaponry) - Whatsis name?

Ah -and therein lies his BIG problema -he's running against "M" - and if he survives THAT ordeal, he has to face an aging "Bond" in the general election.

And you know Pewee Herman is no match for James Bond - even an old James Bond.

"I'll have a root beer -shaken but not stirred " - Nope -- just doesn't work!

Israels Develop Shit Seeking Missile - Targets Muslim Extremists Assholes

The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror."

General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .

"Well anyway", he continued, "Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance."

"If i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."

Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away, but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas(ass) Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."

"President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That's Democracy!"

US Should Sell It's Criminals To Foreign Countries

Ny Times Today:

The United States has, for instance, 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.

Well --not only should the USA establish a "Criminal Military Corp" as reported in yesterdays blog - but since we will have so many criminals left over (unfit for combat) -- let's just sell them:

"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"

He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."

"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!

US Military Should Create "Violent Criminal Corp" From US Inmates

"Strained by the demands of a long war, the Army and the Marine Corps recruited significantly more felons into their ranks in 2007 than in 2006, including people convicted of armed robbery, arson and burglary, according to data released Monday by a House committee." NY Times today.

Well - that's a step in the right direction!

Now - let's take every misfit and goon and drug dealer and rapist and killer out of our jails where we are paying fifty thousand dollars a year to wharehouse them - and put them all in uniform.

The "Criminal Corp" led by a tough semi-psycho General (think Lee Marvin in the movie "The Dirty Dozen") should have it's first combat duty in Sadr City, and believe you me - when Moktar Schmuktar (or whatever his name is) gets a load of these fucking REAL American animals in action - they will fold their tents in a hurry!

Let's save our nice young marines and Infantry for mopping up missions after the "Criminal Corp," - And these one of a kind - original American wacko/criminals don't need any training - they are tough and cruel and smart -and we just assign the prison gang leaders to become their officers - and they are ready to rumble.

And no pay required -just let them pillage and plunder like the pirates of yore - they will turn the 'Surge" into a "Purge" - and those blood sucking incompetent and corrupt Iraqui politicos will be dying to make some progress, just to get the "Criminal Corps" out of Dodge - and then we can send the 'Corp" to visit Afghanistan for some r&r.

Oh -and all the white collar criminals - you know -the Enron types, -They will join the "Criminal Corp" as support personell - as clerks and cooks and logistics and in planning and intelligence. (and also serve as "Bitches" for the troops).

That oughta cut down on the Wall Street shenanigans - dontcha think?

Best Torture Method Against Muslims - American Wife Nagging

Muslims treat their women like dogs! - As a result they have NO idea how viscious a nagging wife can be -especially a good old fashioned average "American Nagging Wife"(i don't include girlfriend nagging (just as viscious) because Muslims don't have girlfriends - that would imply courtship and options for the women)



You put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."



Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:



"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been =I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......." Yu know the drill.



You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less?



Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -if a Muslim woman were to say even; "Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andd that would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children.



How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......"


At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.



C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right!

A Simple Lie Detector Test For All Priests - OK Pope Benedick?

It's so simple -EVERY priest (including the Pope) and every applicant for the Clergy gets wired up and asked these questions:



Are you a homo?



Do you get excited thinking about a young man's asshole?



Have you ever tongue kissed a male?



Do you think Paris Hilton licking your balls is exciting?



If leonardo De Caprio grabbed your cock would you be thrilled?



If Cameron Diaz crawled into your bed and put her thumb in your prostate would it be exciting?



Would you suck the Pope's dick if he asked you?



Do you think God is a homo?



Simple as pie - if you pass this test we know our kids ain't gonna get the high hard one from a Homo Priest.



Your Welcome

Fallout In Redneck America -- From Obama Statements

"Now hold the rifle tight against your shoulder and slowly squeeze the trigger." says Mervin (hamhock) Schwimmer of Aliquippa Pennsylvania to his six year old son Christian."

"But Poppa, why would we want to kill a beautiful animal?"

"Because it's our natural instinct to kill - we need to kill -guns are powerful - and we can get close as father and son - just like me and grandpa"

"Bu But -i don't want to kill a beautiful animal - couldn't you just read me a book or walk and camp out in the beaufiful forest?" Christian added; "And we all hate Grandpa cause he's always drunk and mean to everyone."

"Now you listen -you little faggot - you WILL learn how to shoot and kill!
What you gonna do if a Jew or Nigger comes aroun? Or a wetback comes aroun lookin for work? --You gonna read him a fucking poem."

"But Poppa", says Christian with tears in his eyes - "I don't know why you want to kill animals and why you hate folks you ain't never met -is it because you are bitter about your job and healthcare and all that economy stuff - like that Obama feller talked about?"

BAM! - "OW Poppa!" -- "Take that you nigger lovin little faggot -I know your Momma put them ideas in your fruit head -and when we get back home you both gonna get the lickin of your lives - and then we all gonna go to Church and pray for your souls."

"And - see that rabbit over there munchin on a leaf/ - start bangin away - and you better not miss on purpose or you'll spend the weekend with Grandpa"

BAM BAM BAM BAM

What Obama Should Have Said

Instead of this:

“It’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or antitrade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

What he should have said was:

"These ignorant fucking white trash rednecks are too busy cleaning their guns and beating up on their wives and kids and gettiing drunk with their good Christian nigger/spic/jew hating buddies - to care about tolerance and kindness and meaningful hopeand change - progress or brotherhood."

"Furthermore - I don't expect or want your ignorant white trash vote -and if I'm elected President - you can all suck my big black dick in Macy's window!"

"Any questions?

Welcome Pope Benedick -You Masturbating Hypocrite

In honor of the Pope's visit to America - here's a repeat of a past bandidt exclusive which received wide international acclaim (we were hoping for a Pulitzer - but alas):



Exclusive -- In a display of hypocrisy rare even for the leader of the Catholic Church, The Pope, shortly after announcing that; "People who fornicate with condoms or practice rhythm or masturbate or "pullout" (withdrawing the penis and ejaculating outsida the vagina) --are Sinners and will be denied God's grace." -- was caught hiding in a Vatican confessional chamber where he was jerking off!



Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!"



They opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Popa Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.



The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Bugs Bunny" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Kike or Negro or Protestant or Gypsy."



He continued, "And we'll see how well those two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan."



That comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community.



The digibandit Vatican reporter Sherl Momsavitch was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?"



We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Vulgar Satire."



Welcome to Americ

Katie Couric will Kill To Boost Ratings - Animated News Anchors In Offing

NBC: 8.27 million total viewers and 2.1/8 A25-54ABC: 7.98 million total viewers and 2.1/8 A25-54CBS: 5.94 million total viewers and 1.5/6 A25-54

What a disaster!

If Les Moonvies is shtupping her she has to be the most expensive piece of ass in history.

katie has announced that she will go to Anbar province with a news crew and a cadre of ex Navy Seals, with the objective of personally killing a terrorist on camera.

Les said today at a news conferencwe in Hollywood; "If this doesn't work we may have to bite the bullet on her 20 million dollar contract - which i will pay out of my own money."

"And we are seriosly considering going with animated hosts" (and maybe even animated correspondents)

It was just a matter of time!

Fox and ABC Announce - "Dancing With Disabilities"

With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced this joint production with Fox Television: -- " It's a natural spin-off (pun)when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."

"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles."

Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance numbers, she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."

"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."

"Any others?", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!"

"And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- one dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"

No host has ben announced but the bandit has heard they are talking with Muhammad Ali (who would also dance)

Obama Proves He Has Big Enough Balls To be President

Oh yeah! -Count me in! - I'm switching to the Obama camp!

Why? - Because it took more courage to tell his cunty wife to keep her yap shut and get lost from the campaign spotlight,than will be required for confronting any conceivable existential threat to the united States during his presidency.

I mean - telling Vladimir Putin and the Chinks to get fucked will be a piece of cake next to putting a lid on Michelle Obama!

I'll bet that sleeping with a king cobra would be more fun than what goes on in the Obama bedroom since he had to shut her face about dissing the good ole USA on the campaign trail last month; and i sure hope he has a strong fantasy quotient and an abundant supply of Club magazines to get him through the campaign without any pussy.

Let's just pray that the New York Times doesn't get a call from some reincarnation of that beast Linda Tripp - with some valid info about Obama humping a hot campaign worker (or two).

Personally i hope he's fucking every hottie on his staff - and if America's FIRST black president can get away wit it - why couldn't Obama?

Anyway -- the Bandit is proud to endorse Obama! - and Michelle - here's some good advice - take that sock out of your mouth and put a great future President's cock in it.

Jesus Christ Should Have Been Aborted -- Not Crucified

And there would be about three hundred million happy indiginous people playing with their children in the sun today instead of having been tortured and butchered by missionaries of the Church spreading the Gospel in the name of JesusChrist.

And if you add up all the men women and children who died screaming in agony due to the pious and righteous and ignorant human animals who maimed and slaughtered in the name of their one and only- absolutely true God, and his son - well, Jesus Christ - you have the spiritual equivalent of the bubonic plague on steroids.

And the Church helped manage and manipulate and exploit this slaughter in the name of a peaceful and loving preacher who came bearing a revolutionary message of hope and salvation.

And this is what happens EVERY time the Priests get to call the shots! Judges with ONE law book written by a God who only they understand and who they represent exclusively. You sign on or you get burned at the stake! ( oh -and if your'e a hot innocent altar boy you get fucked in the ass for fun)

Happy Easter

(and try living with the questions for a change)

NOTHING Beats A High Priced Hooker - Spitzer Rules

The most sexual and gorgeous woman you have ever dreamed about arrives at your home -- she performs sex acts that will make your wife or girl friend forever seem like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh - and here's the best part:

SHE LEAVES!

So - let's get real about all this flap with Eliot Spitzer - it doesn't mean a fucking thing except he had the desire and the money and an ugly nagging wife.

Hillary Clinton Should Air THIS Commercial

Hillary is sitting in her sun garden at her home in Chappaqua,N.Y and as she looks dreamily out the window we hear her voice.

"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment.

She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues." But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"

She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..

"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!"

I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.

Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates

Obama's Position On Iraq War Vote Proved That He's A Pussy

NO responsible person should have denied authorization for the president to attack Iraq because:

Saddam could certainly have possessed WMD - - past evidence of stockpiles was established - and he never came clean and opened up to full inspections.

He was an established pathological nut case who had used poison gas on the Kurds - had recently invaded Kuwait and reaped untold havoc on it's people and the environment and then repeatedly violated his surrender agreements.

Saddam hated America and had enormous resources with which to enable world terrorism at a time when the Twin Towers were still smoking.

He ran Iraq like Caligula - there was no way we could assume he was NOT an existential threat to the United States -and who the hell could believe he was bluffing about his self avowed WMD capabilities?

That is why almost the entire Congress -the Military and the Media and most Pundits and thinking people with balls - were in lock step about the need for military intervention.

Yes -the the overall strategy for occupation was a naive fuckup! - In retrospect we should have worked with the Bathists to manage the political realities - instead of unleashing the Shiites who are mostly fucking religious morons AND who hate us for freeing them from Saddam - under whom they couldn't take a shit without asking permission.

BUT - weak kneed liberals like Obama have NEVER thought it necessary to have to kill maniacs and inflict collateral damage in the interests of American survival. And that includes the whole fucking cold war!

Obama is a pussy - and McCaine would eat him for breakfast in the general election!

God Must be Hispanic If he Named His Only Son Jesus

Wow - i just realized that God has to be Hispanic!

I mean - otherwise he would have named his only kid God Junior or at least some common name of those times- like Joshua or Peter or Moishe -any thing but Jesus(unless he was Hispanic).

What made me think of this was i was watching the Los Angeles marathon yesterday and at least fifty percent of the people had to be Hispanic -and at least fifty percent of them were named Jesus - and i says to myself; "Wow -these guys all look like Jesus Christ - and God gave him that name -and that was not a common name -so God had to be Hispanic."

Wow! -- can you imagine what God is thinking about all these religious conservatives and white nativists who are bashing these poor illegal immigrants - who are his Hispanic brothers and sisters?

And - i bet that the Hispanics -not the Jews -are Gods chosen people. You notice he didn't name Moses - Jesus.

And -the true bible story must be that he cast out the Hispanics from the United States and let the Gringos (like the Egyptians with the Hebrews)) enslave them because they were being bad -but now he is letting them back into their promised land.

And for three thousand years the Jews have been selling the story about Canaan and being cast out and all that Pharaoh stuff just so they could look like the chosen people and get all that promotion -when the Hispanics -led by Gods Hispanic son Jesus - were the chosen people all along.

Well - as Mencken said; "Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing"

But -maybe God IS Jewish but has a pushy Hispanic wife. (you notice i didn't say cunty)

United States Prison Population Should be Outsourced

Well it looks like - if you break the law in the good ole USA -You will do your time in some Foreign country. Maybe India or China if your lucky - but it could just as easily be the Congo or Somalia - or whoever makes the most attractive bid to keep you in captivity.

And with a new report showing that one out of one-hundred people in the good ole USA are doin some kind of jail time - this plan comes just in time to help our hurtin economy.

"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot for ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for under five thousand (and if the liberals don't squawk we could probably get some countries to pay us for these folks )"

"Were talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and I'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

"Julie concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!

Mandatory Drug Tests For Congress - Most Would Fail

I'm willing to bet that if the US Congress were drug tested - over fifty percent would test positive for some mind altering substance.

And since their ability to focus and problem solve and manage their complex legislative duties is what they get paid for - and since we elect them with an expectation of a high level of energetic performance and clarity - it would be helpful if they were not fucked up on any drugs.

So let's test these suckas! - I mean we are so worried about our athletes not playing their fun games fairly - and whether or not Wal Mart employees can perform their highly complex jobs on drugs - or whether toll collectors will be able to make change after smoking a joint:

But whether or not a US Senator is holding a hearing on National Security zonked out on Prosac or Oxycotin - or maybe just did a couple of lines, or smoked some refer or took some meth: -- Oh, why should we be concerned about that?

Hey -and why not mandatory drug testing for ALL government employees - I am willing to bet you that fifty percent of the WHOLE government bureacracy would test positive for some kind of illegal mind altering substance.

And boy -would that explain everything!

John McCaine Needs A Sun Tan - "Casper" Has To Go

I just can't get over the resemblance of John McCain to Casper The Friendly Ghost ! (see picture on blog)



And now that it seems his opponent for the presidency will be Barak Obama - this ghostly image is most certainly going to haunt him!



I mean - watching the two of them together will look like a Ku Klux Klan inquisition. This will definitely work against McCain and he should begin getting sun tan treatments immediately.



When the tanned and younger looking McCain appears looking like a stockier version of George Hamilton it will be the end of Obama (and his Cunty wife)



Now that's the kind of strategic advice and guidance you won't get from most high paid political consultants.


Call me Hillary - it's not too late.

No "Cunty" For Old Men

That means NO "CUNTY" first lady!

Do we want a President whose last thought at night - with all the urgent and pressing existential problems he has to deal with is -"I wish that fucking cunt would just shut up and stay out of my shit - she's driving me apeshit!"

Or -"Thanks Christine - that blowjob has relieved all my anxiety and tensions and i can see a clear course of reasonable action"

I ask you --Goodnight!

Oscars Prove That Hollywood Can Save The World

Hollywood Will Save Iraq And The World

Now listen up Mr. President because the bandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world!You get The Cohen brothers and Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"

We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable and you will state the message as follows:""Hello it's me -- Mohammad! I'm speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah - and effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ."

"You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers -- enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran." - the message will then conclude as follows:"Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise?"

Mr. President. you must remind this esteemed creative team that; "These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"

"And when the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over!""

And you will all receive The medal Of Freedom -- And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project -- And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!""Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!"

Top Historians Say No "Cunty" First Ladies EVER In White House

Doris Kearns Goodwin -- There has never been a totally cunty first lady! -- The closest was probably Abigail adams, who would qualify as a major ball breaker, but not a cunt.

Tom Cahill -- hmmm? - i would say that most if not all of our presidents tended to run the show in their households. Mrs. Lincoln had some cunty tendencies but mainly she was a wack job.

James McCullough - Well Eleanor Roosevelt was a very strong and independent woman,but there was nothing very cunty about her - i would say that Dolly Madison definitely had cunt potential but John would never put up with that shit.

Michael Beschloss - It's actually quite amazing that the Republic has escaped the horrors of a cunty first lady all these years and a tribute to the strength and fortitude of America's Presidents.Millard Filmore's wife started to act like a cunt but he had her banned from the white house.

Barbara Tuchman - can't think of a totally cunty first lady, which as we all agree, would have had a devastating effect on the course of American history. If you look at all the worst and most dangerous world leaders, you will find a cunty wife lurking somewhere in the wings.

Well - there you have it straight from the mouths of five eminent Pulitzer Prize winning historians - from George Washington to George Bush - not one Cunty First lady!

Whaddyasay - let's keep Michelle Obama from becoming America's First Cunty - First lady?

The History Of "Cunt" - As It Applies To Michelle Obama

A reader has asked about the word cunt, wondering if it had something to do with "cunning" as in "a cunning woman was a negative thing". It has nothing to do with cunning (which is related to the verbs ken and can) and everything to do with what it means today: "female genitalia". It first shows up in a list of London street names of about 1230. That street name was, interestingly, Gropecuntelane, one of a warren of streets and alleyways all given over to the lowest forms of prostitution and bawdry. It lay between Aldermanbury and Coleman Street (where the Swiss Bank stands today) and it belonged to one "William de Edmonton". Curiously, medieval Paris had a street name with an identical meaning - Rue Grattecon. Oxford and York apparently also had similar versions of that street name.

Cunt is believed to derive from a Germanic root *kunton "female genitalia", which also gave rise to Old Norse kunta (ancestor of Norwegian and Swedish dialectical kunta and Danish dialectical kunte), Old Frisian, Middle Low German and Middle Dutch kunte, and the English doublet quaint. And, by the way, the word wasn't always considered derogatory, even though it is today. Be careful about assuming that a word's modern connotations must have governed its formation. By the way, no connection has been made between the Germanic words and Latin cunnus. The proto-Germanic root of cunt is ku- "hollow place", while the Indo-European root of Latin cunnus is (s)keu- "to cover, to conceal", the etymological meaning of cunnus being "sheath".

So -Michelle Obama IS a "CUNT" - I knew i was right -and i don't think America has EVER had a Cunty First Lady. -I'm gonna ask some famous historians and report back to you - to see whether Michelle would be the First -Cunty First lady in America's history.

Penis Envy Strikes Again! - Michelle Obama Sets Off Cunt Alarm!

Michelle Obama’s comment in Milwaukee on Monday: “For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change.” - will cost Obama the presidency!

Another spoiled cunt with a BIG Mouth - carried away by the limelight just like her two most recent candidate destroyers - Teresa Heinz Kerry and Judith Nathan Giuliani.

I'm sooo sad that Michelle Obamas life's experiences at Princeton and Harvard left her with a completely cynical view of America -- maybe she should spend some time in a more enlightened and spiritual country - of her choice.

Or maybe she didn't take any history courses? - Or maybe she's just another good looking spoiled lefty cunt trophy wife with a gifted and powerful husband.

Boy do we NOT need her in the White House!

Oh - and folks everywhere across this great land are a thinkin today - "Obama is hooked up with an American hating cunt - his first order of change should begin at home."

Daddy! Daddy! What's a Cunt?

Asks my five year old daughter after hearing Jane Fonda's comment on the Today Show.

I respond, "Well dear it's the female version of prick."

She intelligently responded; "Oh - you mean like the way Mommy acts when you come home drunk"

Yes dear - "And how she acts when she doesn't get her own way ."

But daddy, "Wouldn't the correct English for Momma's behavior be cunty - because it's an adverb - i think Jane used it as a noun?"

"Wow - sending you to The latin School has really paid dividends and you are soo right"

I went on; "Ms. Fonda was using cunt as a noun and was referring to the female sex organ in that regard -she really should have said vagina."

"But daddy - why didn't she just say Pussy?"

Kid's today!

Here's A Commercial That Will Launch Hillary To Victory

Hillary is sitting in her sun garden at her home in Chappaqua,N.Y and as she looks dreamily out the window we hear her voice.

"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment."

She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues.

" But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"

She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..

"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!

"I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.

Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates

Blood is Thicker Than Pussy Water

Ok -let's get real here! - You are a member of a race that has been systematically repressed since arriving in America in chains some four-hundred years ago -beaten and bullied and hung by rednecks and denied the vote and descent housing and jobs and .................

Your people claw their way out of the shithole that Whitey fought to keep them buried in and voila - along comes a black leader that inspires not only blacks but MAYBE enough of everybody to become the next President!

And you are not gonna vote for this dude if you are black? - C'mon -if women had it so rough out there - they would ALL be lining up to vote for Hillary like they were waiting to get it up the butt from Mathew McConaghy.

Women have it made in the shade thanks to us and they are still fucking miserable - Blacks know they are still getting shafted by the Rednecks and WASPS

Like i said -"Blood is Thicker Than Pussy Water"

And - There WIll Be Blood!

Human's Have A Genetic "Asshole Early Warning System"

Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".

Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce (fuck) with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)

If Darwin DIDN"T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!

Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!

It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.

Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)

What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)

Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"

These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!

Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)

I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:

And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"

It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)

More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.

How The Church Ruined Valentine's Day

On this day of amative imaginings i thought you might be interested in the Pagan provenance of Valentine's day --Lupercalia

"The Lupercalia festival was in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Explaining the name of the festival, Lupercalia, which translates out into "Wolf Festival." The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine (where Rome was founded, see Livy, Book I), to expiate and purify new life in the Spring.

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The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh; the smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.

The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats -- and then everyone ran around fucking and sucking and drinking and dancing until they dropped!

This looked like too much fun to the Ancient Queer Priests so they turned it into a sappy, lovey dovey religious farce - BUT!

Little did they know that healthy modern folks of all ages would return to their Lupercalic roots - only with different outfits and bling.

This is a sure sign that the rule of the Queer Priests is waning - but we gotta bring back the goats and she wolves!

Happy Lupercalia everyone!

Obama Clarifies His Positions - Shows Depth Of Thinking

Using his best Martin Luther King meets Elvis (he loves Kings) persona - as he roles forth on a "Magical Mystery Tour" that would have bedazzled even John Lennon - Obama - finally- REALLY got specific about his programs:

On Iraq - oh yeah -yeah! - hey - whoa 0 yeah! - it's time!

On the Economy - whoa yeah! - Oh yeah -yeah1 - come on -yeah!

On Health Care - Now yeah! - Now is yeah! -let's yeah oh yeah!

On Immigration - security is yeah! -oh yeh oh boy -yeah!

On the Environment - Now yeah -now -yeah now -oh boy -yes - yeah!

On Change - Change yeah! -Change and yeah -Oh yeah! -lotsa Change!

Wow - this guy is not just another skinny politician with big ears! -And look at his following -oh yeah! - Rich progressive (supply side) boomers who loved the Bush tax cuts - Oh yeah! Young people who think he's the black version of Jerry Garcia -Oh yeah! - And young and old black folks who think enough white folks will vote for him in the general election -Oh yeah?

The Republicans are laughing their asses off --Oh Yeah! -Their codeword for "Get Obama nominated at All Costs" is "Hillary Clinton will unify the Republican base" -Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

Pope Benedick Is A Soul Pimp For God - Needs Jewish Souls Bad

The Vatican - with it's latest version of Darth Vader -Pope Benedick - just can't understand why their pimps have been unable to get any of their soul whores any tricks with the Jews.

Before the Second Vatican Council, also known as Vatican II, the Good Friday Mass in Latin prayed for the conversion of Jews, referring to their “blindness” and calling upon God to “lift a veil from their hearts.
”An unofficial translation of the NEW prayer reads: “Let us pray for the Jews. May the Lord Our God enlighten their hearts so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, the savior of all men.

The prayer calls for God to enlighten the hearts of Jews “so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, the savior of all men.”


Okay -where do i sign up? -Hey - wait a minute - what about the Moslems and the Hindus and the Buddhists and the Taoists and the .............


I mean is heaven like a segregated place with different groups all running around waiting to see the Big Guy - or is everybody besides Catholics in hell?


Hmm? -That doesn't sound very Christian -Jesus like or Democratic.


Personally, i think the Pope and his whole queer Vatican are full of shit and always have been!

You see any Jews running around LAX or Zimbabwe with the Mormons pimping and collecting souls for Yahweh? "Hi -my name is Rebbe Moishe Pipick and have you ever thought of being one of the chosen People?"

It's a fucking shame that the Catholic/Christian Soul Pimps have run out of indigenous peoples to degrade,sodomize - dehumanize -savage and drive into extinction.

God's gonna be really pissed if they miss their soul quota - maybe they could try their luck in the mountanous tribal regions of Pakistan?

Fox Television Announces "America's Funniest Felon"

Once again the rulers of reality have found a way to produce a winning reality show that also benefits society!

It's not a piece of cake adjusting to society after you've done hard time -- but, if a felon is willing to "Stand Up" and turn his conviction into comedy for a nationwide TV audience -- they might just become "America's Funniest Felon"

A portion of all future entertainment earnings by the felons will be given to their victims --- And :

"There will be categories for all types of felony offenses EXCEPT child abuse, and the comedy routines will be based on their particular criminal specialties" -said Mike Darnit Fox TV reality president.

Darnit continued,"I just didn't think that there could possibly be anything funny about that one particular type of behavior - and i had to overrule my production people - which i very seldom do."

Mark Burnett, whose production company will produce the show said;"We are working with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to help us identify potentially funny felons while they are serving their sentences and will send professional comics out to organize stand-up trials in the prison's exercise yards. -- We are calling this -- 'Stand Up With Conviction' -- and it will become a series of specials leading up to the series debut."

Burnett concluded,"We are currently auditioning celebrity's with felony convictions to host the series - and there certainly is no shortage of qualified applicants."

Stay tuned! -Host recommendations?

Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter

Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter
"It was horrible!" -- Rush Limbaugh screamed,as tears streamed down his fat face -- "I was blasted on Oxycotin and she was screaming "Tie me up and eat me! eat me! eat me!" -- "When i came to --she was tied up -- with yards of dental floss and spread eagled on the bed -- she was passed out and the room smelled like a Mosque."

Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported previously in a bandit exclusive ).

Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."

Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."

Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold"

David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"

Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"

Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep -named after Oxycotin, his drug of choice.The Bandit exclusively reported in a prior post that Limbaugh was caught shtupping Cotton on his farm in Maryland.)

Coulter reportedly screamed from her quarantine; "I only wish i could have infected Hillary!"

Mike Huckabee Would Become Fattest American President

William Howard Taft, at 6 feet and weighing over 350 pounds (159 kg),was the heaviest US President. -He was given the nickname "Big Lub" because of his size -Taft's weight caused him to become stuck in the bathtub in the White House on several occasions, prompting the installation of a new bathtub capable of holding all of the men who installed it, something the White House denied until the bathtub was torn out years later.

Mike Huckabee has lost well over one-hundred pounds and he's not exactly a Slim Jim! -With the pressures of the Oval Office weighing him DOWN - he would almost certainly balloon back UP into the "Big Lug" category and most surely break the record for Presidential obesity. (and the bed and bathtub as well).

So- do we need a President who will bring the full array of emotional dysfunction correlated with"Obesity"into the leadership of the free world? - A President who woud be known to world leaders as the "Porky Preacher" and to congress as the "Baptist Balloon"?

A Commanderin Chief who would need his uniform tailored by "Omar the tent Maker"? -and who would be called "General Goodyear" by the Joint Chiefs of Staff"?

I ask you?

Priests Should Be Castrated After taking Final Vows

They won't need their nuts anymore anyway - and a lot of children will be saved from getting ravaged by the hordes of queer priests at "Club Vatican"

And since the Church refuses to ordain women or let men have normal sex lives - the Church is a haven for fruit cakes who have a "religious watering hole" to stalk their prey.

And as wenow know, this has been a fertile hunting ground with tens of thousands of victims - lots of kids who will never get over the trauma of being sexually assaulted (and by a trusted emissarry of the Lord no less).

And if you think it's not business as usual in the "God want's me to put my staff in your mouth" business - then you must be delusional!

You think these sick fucking priests suddenly stopped getting hard ons when they see a handsome young alter boy? - That's like asking your normal sixteen year old son not to get a hard on if Jessica Simpson walks into his bedroom naked.

So - i say - "Off with their nuts" - that ought to put a crimp (oops) in the recruitment of queers into "Club Vatican." And believe you me - it won't be long before the Church will be offering bonus' to anyone who will sign up - because they are about five-hundred years behind the times culturally- as usual.

Oh -and not to worry --God will keep your nuts safe until you get to Heaven.

Mitt Romney Overheard Telling All About His Sex Life

Mitt Romney, who has maintained in the face of wide concern about his Mormon faith, that Mormon ideology would play no part in his policies as president -- was overheard spilling the beans to a close aide!



The bandit informant stated; "I heard Mitt say that the concept of fidelity is ridiculous and that no red blooded male should or could be expected to only have sex with one woman for the rest of his life!"



He said that Mitt went on a tirade as follows:"A fat ugly Christian conservative ,which is eighty percent of them, has no shot at getting hot pussy --so it's easy for them to preach about fidelity. Wer'e talking here about guys who think grunting into a fat cow and blowing their load instantly - once a month - is what a sex life is all about."



"Now you take attractive and rich and powerful and clever and fun guys like me -- where every day there's some piece of ass throwing herself at me! These yo yo's who have no shot at hot pussy -- which they can only dream about and watch on their porno collections. - They have zero pussy options and they should not be judging those who do!"



"Now i want a family AND a political career -- so i have to have a wife and put up a front for those corny values addicted morons out there. But let's be real about it -- if a cool dude wants to have a big family does he want to have one tiresome and worn out and overburdened future hag of a wife? --- Or, does he want to have a dozen or so hot wives that maintain their pussy heat over the long haul?"



"It's just too durned bad that we can't be open and honest about these issues because i know i can do a hell of a lot of good as president. and i hate lying about my pussy philosophy -- but if i get into that oval office cool dudes and hot pussy will have a friendly Mormon president in the white house."



He's definitely got my interest piqued -- But McCaine has got some major hotty for an old lady! (I'll bet he's screwed way more hotties than that jerk Romney.)

Obama Gets Secific At Long Last!

On the economy - Oh yeah! - We gotta do better for everyone - oh yeah - we gotta have hope for all.

On health care - Oh Yeah! - yeah! - folks gotta hope and pray - oh yeah we gotta join together - yeah!

On Iraq - Oh yeah! - Wow - we gotta look at it all - with hope - for all - for everyone - together - Oh Yeah!

On the environment - Oh boy oh yeah! - Whew - yeah we gotta oh yeah!

On immigration - Wooo --Oh yeah ! - Wer'e all in it -- hope - we gotta move - Oh yeah!

On entitlements - yeah -Oh Oh Yeah! - It's time together - change and hope - Oh yeah!

On national security - oh my - oh yeah -we all gotta pray and hope and dream - together -- oh yeah!

Now i feel better - Oh Yeah!

Katie Couric will Kill To Boost Ratings

As her news ratings continue their protracted swan dive --Katie's desperation has reached a dangerous peak!Her mentor Les Moonsbeam president of CBS and his news gurus have tried every ugly programming trick; including, as reported by the Bandit in previous bulletins ie:

Showing her nipple -- having her voice dubbed over -- anchoring without underwear -- becoming the worlds first actual news dummy with a sexy voice over -- and even having a replica of Walter Cronkite's head fitted over her own.
\
Nothing has worked to stop her ratings decline, but now she has agreed to go along with CBS news management and go for broke.The bandits' network news reporter Esther Ginsberg has found out; "katie and her news team and a special security attachment will enter Baghdad and travel to An-bar province, where Katie's mission will be to personally shoot and kill a Muslim extremist -And capture the killing - and her reaction on tape - for a CBS prime time special news hour report titled "Katie Couric kills for you!"

"Reached by phone today Katie said; "Look Esther -I have tried everything my sick bosses have asked of me -- so if i have to kill a lousy Muslim to prove to the audience that I'm not just another talk show pussy with great legs - why hell --I'll kill as many of those sick fucks as they want."

Katie concluded; - "killing a Jihadist can't be half as bad as going down on Les ."

Qui Est Jerome Kerviel? - Just Another French Asshole

Who Is Jerome Kerviel?

That's probably what the Fed chairman said Thursday morning when he woke up and saw the headlines. As it turns out, Jerome Kerviel is a 31 year old Frenchman who enjoys judo and sailing. He worked as a trader at Societe Generale, and somehow managed to lose almost €5 billion in a series of complex, concealed deals on European stock derivatives. Kerviel's colleagues described him as a "computer genius" who was allegedly able to hack into the bank's computers to hide his reckless trading.

The Fed didn't know about Kerviel's shenanigans when they cut interest rates by 0.75% on Monday, and it now looks like the Fed's biggest emergency rate cut ever may have been sparked by a lie. Events unfolded like this: Kerviel screwed up on Friday last week, when he failed to disable the bank's automatic alert system, and his irregular trading suddenly showed up. Societe Generale's bosses grilled him on Saturday night, and the bank's management decided to unwind all the out-of-money trades on Monday.

The unwinding of such a massive position put immense pressure on the futures market, and it started looking like a manic Monday. Other traders saw the plunge in futures amid massive and mysterious selling, and even though the U.S. markets were closed for Martin Luther King Day, they start selling everything else.

With U.S. traders away from their desks, the sell orders in an illiquid market caused a bigger than expected shock to prices. There is no doubt that the unwinding of Kerviel's positions contributed in a big way to Monday's dramatic slump in world stock markets. Things got progressively worse in the hours leading up to Tuesday's U.S. market opening, and Bernanke played his ace card, cutting interest rates by 0.75% in an attempt to prevent a stock market meltdown.

Some commentators may nominate Jerome Kerviel as the poster boy for everything that is wrong with the Federal Reserve's policies. The Fed has demonstrated by now that they prefer to treat the symptom, and not the cause. Monday's carnage on stock markets was the symptom, and Societe Generale's weak internal control was one of the causes. Cutting interest rates by 0.75% isn't going to stop Jerome Kerviel v2.0 from trying to cheat the system.

Of course, the Fed has little control over the internal controls at banks, but the above example illustrates the futility of treating the symptom instead of the cause. Let's take the cause/symptom analogy a step further. What if the current crisis is merely a symptom of a deeper cause? To quote the legendary investor George Soros: "The current crisis is not only the bust that follows the housing boom [symptom], it's basically the end of a 60-year period of continuing credit expansion based on the dollar as the reserve currency [underlying cause]. Now the rest of the world is increasingly unwilling to accumulate dollars."

If, as Soros argues, the underlying cause of the problem is the end of the dollar's hegemony, then the Fed is doing more damage by treating the symptom, i.e. cutting interest rates to support the stock market. By using aggressive interest rate cuts to shore up stock markets, the Fed devalues the yield advantage of the greenback. Why should other nations hold the dollar as a reserve currency if the Fed shows no restraint in damaging its value? Why should other nations hold the dollar when the Fed is reactive instead of proactive? Not to mention the wave of inflation that will come on the back of the recent rate cuts.

What if every modern day financial crisis is a symptom of a deeper cause? Once again, to quote George Soros: "This is the end of credit expansion [the symptom] based on the mistaken belief of market fundamentalism [the cause], that you should let markets have total freedom." If you give the market total freedom, you create myriad opportunities for Jerome Kerviel v2.0. I assure you that he is not the only "computer genius" conducting fictitious futures trades to lift bonuses or cover up embarrassment. How much of the world's derivatives market is fiction?

I'm putting all my money in Uteroil!

PS -i lifted this article from the net - i may be a vulgar Jew News Shock Jock -but I'm not into content theft (like Obama and Mitt).

Democrats Start Their Suicide Spawning Run With Obama The Lead Salmon

The only difference between the Salmon who swim upstream to lay their eggs and then die and the Democratic party - is that the Democrats don't provide any food for bears or fisherman along the death run.



Obama will get the nomination! The liberal dems led by Teddy Kennedy and his support of Obama, all gaga about getting our rejuvenated youth back into the political process and woopeedoo -the "people" are ready for a cosmic cultural shift! - And yahoody a black man in the Oval!



Reality check time - the democratic right center will collapse like a DAR waspy bluenose watching "Guess Who is Coming To Dinner" (oh- and comparing Obama to JFK is like comparing Jesse Jackson to Tom Paine)

And the youth will come out to vote when the government bans Myspace and Facebook and "Grand Theft Auto".


The GOP is laughing their asses off! -"Holy shit - they had us beat - and they nominate a skinny black kid - with the economy and the world turning into a bigger shit pile every day!" --"hahahahahahhhahahahah!"

So - get ready for at least four years with "MittMan" - the human Chameleon. By the time he's through, the American working class will resemble the pre French Revolution peasantry.

"Off with their heads" in 2012!" - nah - the Salmons will nominate some exuberant Hispanic.

Spawning time!

Fox TV'S Moment of Truth" Greatest TV Show In History

Following is an excerpt from a NY Times review of "Moment of truth" - in case you missed it.

"In the annals of reality television, “The Moment of Truth” may be a milestone. Fox has come up with a cash-prize competition that is neither a game of chance nor a test of knowledge. It’s a pseudo-psychological trial by ordeal in which the contestants trade candor for dollars.

The set is similar to those used on “The Weakest Link” and “Deal or No Deal,” but the object of this game is to prod seemingly nice people to admit bad behavior. As family members and friends look on, the contestant is asked a series of embarrassing personal questions by the host. Truthful answers, as determined by a polygraph, are rewarded by cash, from $10,000 for the first, relatively banal queries to $500,000 for the marriage-busting kind."

My one and only wish - if a God appeared and offered me one - would be to be able to pick the contestants and ask the questions on this brilliant and culture shifting show. (i was born for this)

Imagine? - folks can get rich by simply telling the truth - so - for the first time in recorded history - you get some straight talk about the kind of human feelings that have laid dormant and unspoken since human beings got into primitive language around a million years ago. And back then it was anatomically difficult to grunt to some chick -"Hey -you have a smelly pussy." (even if you wanted to be honest)

The cultural fallout from this program is going to upheave modern civilization -and i predict -for openers -that folks who "come out" on this show will suffer from PTSMOTS or post traumatic stress "Moment of Truth" syndrome.

I mean - you cannot admit in front of ten million viewers; "Yes - everytime i have fucked my husband for the last twenty years i have been thinking of "Buck" Wilson who cornholed me in the back of his Chevy after the senior prom," - I mean - you just don't come home with your pile of dough and expect the hubbie and the kids to say; "Wow Mom -way to Go - you were great let's go shopping!"

Or attend Sundat services with Pastor Herman (who gags as you go to kiss him on the cheek) and your local congregation after.... "Yes - i did give Jose the landscaper a blow job while Bill was visiting his sick sister up in Boise" -and expect them to want any of your famous apple pie.

Or, say, to expect your parents to ever leave the house again after you admit to fantacizing about tying up and gagging Grandpa in his wheelchair - in the attic - and humping your brother in front of him.

Or do you? - It's gonna be interesting - think of the possibilities?- the ramifications?

Well -stay tuned - I've got plenty of questions (and would certainly welcome yours)

Hey - imagine getting the candidates on this show? - I'm calling Fox!

Fred Thompson "Lazy Like A Lox" - a Gift From God for Democrats

Well, back on it's September 10th cover Newsweek proclaimed; "Fred Thompson -Lazy Like a Fox."

Yep - back then the Republican's, and most of the media were all a flutter about the prospects of "Law and Order" Freddie mustering up his great and quiet strength and DA dignity, and getting read to accept the GOP mantle of Ronald Reagan "Messiah."

So sorry - there won't be any grand old partying because Freddy has turned into -"Lazy Like A LOX" - or even better -politically, he's - "Dead As a Lox!"

What the hell happened? - I mean the guy is a TV hero who moves around like John Wayne and his competition is a guy who looks like body parts will start falling off him at any time - another guy who makes Al Gore look like Homer Simpson - another whose only hope is that Bin laden returns for the Empire State building - and a fucking fanatical hillbilly.

Maybe he was too dynamic and cerebral for Reagan lovers?

Hey - Fred Thompson would have blown Hillary or Barak (or both) off the map- so we really got a lucky break here - ( Karl Rove must be chewing on his socks!)

If the Dems blow this one I'm moving to Venezuela.

Candidates Shocked By New Poll Results

Well here's some national polling data that is astonishing and revelatory of the acute political savvy of the American electorate:

52% of all men would not vote for Hillary Clinton because of her 'Manatee" like thigh's and fat ankles.They feel that a fat Secretary of State, like Madeline Albright is ok - but they want a woman president with "Hot Wheels"

80% of all blacks think that Mitt Romney is wearing a costume (like a corporate super hero) - ie. "Mittman" - They actually believe that there is a Jew that looks like Ken Lay underneath the costume.

75% of all voters think there is a strong possibility that Rudy Giuliani may be a sex slave to his dominatrix wife Judith - and that she is an arch cunt.

62% of all voters believe that John McCaine is the finest overall candidate but they worry about the possibility of body parts falling off him - or his suddenly becoming a pile of dust.

72% of all male voters think that John Edwards might be only twelve years old - 63% of woman say fifteen.

89% of all men confuse Fred Thompson with that actor in "Walking Tall" and think that he should carry an axe handle. 87% of all women think he falls asleep during foreplay.

76% of all voters think that Ron Paul just woke up from a forty year nap under an apple tree.

48% of all black women think that Barack Obama would look exactly like Sidney Poitier if he gained eighty pounds, and 74% of white women would like to hold onto his huge "chimpy" ears while he boffed them.

90% of all voters think that Dennis Kucinitch is an alien muntchkin from the planet Poland.

78% of all non religious fanaticks think that Mike Huckleberry bites the heads off of rattlesnakes and lights his farts for fun.

Well - as i always say "Never underestimate the intelligence of the average American voter - they just have a sixth sense about these things."

Major Breakthrough In Fossil Fuel Replacement -- Uteroil

The International Energy Association announced today that working with a team of physicists from Cal Tech and MIT -- they have discovered how to produce a highly carbon friendly and super powerful replacement for fossil fuels.

"Our dependence on foreign oil will be eliminated - the answer to the "greenhouse problem" has been discovered, and the absolute dominance of the world wide energy market by the United States is now imminent" - said Moishe Pipick, lead scientist on "Project Uteroil."

He explained,"For ten years now we have been experimenting with discarded fetus' and placental afterbirth matter from over thirty million abortions in the USA."

"We now have conclusive scientific evidence that if the abortion rate continues - the stem cellular energy from this powerful fetal matter will be sufficient to replace our entire fossil fuel based energy grid -and will provide enough "Uteroil" to maintain a pump price of under two dollars a gallon for the foreseeable future,"said Dr. Pipick.

He went on; "And this totally clean source of powerful energy is abundant all over the globe - we can import aborted fetus' from around the world, and applying our technology, we can dominate and control the world-wide energy market!"

President Bush said today; "The Arabs and Russia and Africans better figure out some new way to pay for screwing their people and paying for weapons -heh heh"

When asked about the moral implications of using aborted fetus' for energy, he replied " Heck - abortions are legal -and if we really care about the rights of the unborn - we oughta give em a green earth to grow up in."

"But, said the President - i don't wanta see folks creatin a new market by creatin and sellin dead babies for "Uteroil" - Uh Uh! - But them Muslims could probably make a little extra cash and cut way down on their production of future suicide bombers by sending us lots of aborted Mulims to turn into clean energy."

As KingFaisal of Saudi Arabia said twenty years ago : "Don't be greedy my Arab brothers - the stone age didn't end because they ran out of stones."

Too late!

Is That You Obama? (say's Mrs. Romney)

So Mitt Romney takes a pee break during one of the debates and as he's standing in front of the urinal next to Obama he glances over and out of the corner of his eye he spots the largest dick he has ever seen - i mean it's like a black Anaconda.

"Wow Obama", say's Mitt - "I don't mean to pry but damn you are so well endowed - God, my wife would go crazy if i had a cock that huge!"

"Well Mitt" says Obama - "You can have a giant cock like me - Just do what i do. - Bang your dick against the dresser every night before you get into bed, and in about six months you won't believe how huge it will get."

So that night after a long day of bullshitting the voters , Mitt takes off his clothes - looks around -and Bam! Bam! -he wacks his tiny Mormon dick against his Chippendale dresser."

And - in the dark - from underneath the twenty thousand dollar quilt, made for Marie Antoinette, - his wife excitedly exclaims: "Is that you Obama?"

That's life!

Who Is Bill Clinton Porking These Days?

I just can't help wondering where one of the world's most powerful and horny men is getting his rocks off these days?

Bill is definitely looking good! I mean this guy was screwing everything that walked when he was twenty pounds heavier and tailed 24/7 by a security detail - and you just know he's not giving Hillary the high hard one.

This guy is so cool - i just hope he can keep the lid on until Hillary becomes President, and then we can all spend the next four years hearing about all the great pussy that Bill is nailing all over the world.

I mean - if this dude can get his pecker gulped by an intern while President, in front of the whole world - and continue to thrive as a political icon and respected world leader -- then he is unquestionably capable, as first man and roving Ambassador for the United States, -- to reach heights of pussy attainment only dreamed of by the greatest cuntmen in history!

I absolutely love and admire this man - i would rather have his autograph than a mint Honus Wagner - i only hope he refrains from humping the wife or daughter of some major Muslim leader.

But they have so many wives and there all pretty ugly - I'm just not gonna worry about it..

Fox announces "Candid Catholic Confessions" With Father Konfessor

Fox has got a lot of balls, in addition to being cutting edge creative! Their new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience.

"What a breakthrough!" -- Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Sandy Gruesome,President of Fox entertainment.

This is Gruesom's first major programming move after the resignation of Doug Hertzhog who was not happy in his diminished role reporting to Gruesome.Elise mandelbaum the bandit Hollywood reporter asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense - give us an example."

"Okey dokey" said Gruesome; "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear -- and here's the penance!" Father Konfessor says -- " Oh well Hillary youv'e been naughty - so i require five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"

"Wow!" -said our reporter "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous -and won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"

"Fuck no!" said Gruesome --"It will be bigger than Idol!"

I think he's right -- and God will probably laugh his ass off

Pro Sports Needs Super Performance Enhanced - "SPEED" Divisions

Bud Selig should announce that starting with pro baseball - a 'SPEED" division will be added to each league -where every player will undergo super performance enhanced training.

It will create a titanic shift in sports competition - Remember Drago (the Russian hi tech enhanced boxer) vs. Rocky Balboa (training under primitive conditions in Siberia) -in Rocky V.

Hey - todays athletes are a biological world away from professional athletes of yesteryear in terms of nutrition - phsical training - medicine - rehabilitation - equipment - motivational and coaching tequniques - pain remediation - and even "legal" doping, and let's not forget, recruitment is now from a much wider gene pool.

So let's cut out all this nostalgic whining for the good old days of "natural men" duking it out on the field of professional sports Chivalry. - I say let's seriously juice up a batch of superstars athletes - using every trick in the modern - state of the art bio/robotic handbook - and put em head to head with all the other quasi bionic superstars.

And boy will the ratings and revenues go through the roof -and who knows -maybe David WILL slay Goliath? (and goodbye all those idiotic asteriks)

But don't bank on it - just get used to the idea - your grandchildren will definitely be "Sports Junkies."

Susan Sarandon's Colon Polyp Sells For 50k At Christy's Auction House

Celebrity Colon Polyps Fetch Huge Prices

The twin American culture addictions for celebrities and collectibles reached a climax yesterday when a colon polyp removed from Susan Sarandon was sold on the auction market for fifty thousand dollars

A complete box set of her prior colonoscopies along with those of Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton is on the bloc for over one-million dollars" said Dr. Moishe Pipick ,chief proctologist at Hollywood Hospital; where the polyps where stolen from a lab by some enterprising lab. technician.

Irving Mandelbaum, head curator at Christies auction house said; "The colon polyp collectible market has gone through the roof -- it is even outpacing the "star shit" collectible market; which was launched last year by an enterprising septic tank cleaner in Beverly Hills (and reported by the Digibandit at that time)."

Mr. Mandelbaum noted that a DNA certified dump from Oprah Winfrey sold for seventy-five thousand dollars -- but a set of her polops was on the market for over a quarter of a million."It's rumored that a huge Barry Bonds turd may have been sold to Beyonce for over a million bucks! - but he hasn't had a colonoscopy as yet.

He concluded; "Americans adore their celebrities; and for this new crop of super rich folks,with their limited aesthetic development and general dysfunction -- the colon and its byproducts are a natural means to connect with their cultural heroes."

It's a cleansing thought!

Mike Huckleberry To heal Lame In New Hampshire

With the Christian extremists in new Hampshire pleading for some sign of revelation from Minister Huckleberry - he announced today:

"I have been trying not to show off my healing powers during the campaign - but last night The Lord said that he and Jesus agreed that in the interests of getting me elected as President, - I now had a green light to heal some lame Hampshirian's"

.""I told the Lord that most of the folks in New Hampshire were already lame - he said to choose a half dozen of the lamest"

"I hope no one will think I'm showing off, but since God and Jesus say it's the right thing to do - i just have to go along with their plan and hope for the best."

"I asked the Lord if it was okay for me to also heal my very fucked up son - but he said not to waste my time and that i had fucked him up so bad he couldn't be saved"

I get the feelin that God is a dog lover. = And for those of you who have been too busy shopping for more shit you don't need -- Google it up and read all about David Hucklebeebrry. Ole Huckleberry raised a real winner here.(a dog torturer and was recently caught with a handgun going through airport security)

I guess Davey boy musta missed the Sermon On the Mount part of the Bible - like most Christians.

Secret New Years Resolutions Of Britney Spears Revealed - As She Converts To Islam

The digibandit has received a copy of Britney Spear's New Year resolutions - and here are these astonishing revelations:

I will become a devout Islamo Fascist!

As a Muslim Fundamentalist i will not have any fun - only forced sex with smelly violent men - no more kinky pleasure - no more blow jobs or anal shtupping. (i will really miss that!)

I will hate all Jews and Infidels and Sunni Muslims - and i don't know why and it doesn't matter - hating is good!

I will not engage in any art related activities - Allah does not like TV or Music or Dancing or Books or basically anything beautiful that might take away from worshipping him.

I will recite prayers from the Koran five times a day - it doesn't matter if i understand what I'm saying - most of my fellow Muslims can't read or write anyway.

I will not expose any of my body in public - so i might as well just get as fat as a house like most Muslim women - i kinda like this part but i don't think rice will replace Ben and Jerry's.

I will enjoy having no basic rights - as a woman i will basically enjoy being one step higher on the social ladder than a goat.

It will be fun being hot and dirty and oppressed and totally ignorant - surrounded by violence and watching my children have just as much fun as me.

If i get real lucky one of my children will blow himself up and a whole batch of Infidels - and then he can send for me to join him in Paradise.

Hey - it's gotta be better than my life in Hollywood?

Play New "Wack Off Or Scratch Off" Lottery Game - Win Sex

Starting in march – in Texas –which has the highest number of scratch off lottery players in the country (mostly poor and uneducated minorities) – those players will be able to win blow jobs and various (and all) varieties of sex acts.

Buck Beefy - the head of the Texas Lottery Association, said in a press conference today; “ The tasty sex offerings will be cross genderized and offer mult-racial and ethnic and even sex with disabled hookers in wheel chairs.” (no illegals allowed of course – heh heh)

A fifty dollar winning ticket will get you a pretty fair piece of ass (a hunnert dollar prize will be a REAL tasty deal) - and for just ten dollars you can get a hand job or a good lickin from, say, old widow Munson down behind the truck stop on I95 – heh – heh”

“Oh –almost forgot – there will be grand prize winners - like a five-hundred dollar hit will get some lucky man or woman or combo (heh heh) a weekend in Dallas with Britney Spears and/or Rush Limbaugh –you might say they’ll be a livin in high Oxycotin – heh heh,”

“You can even pick from a group of those young whores that are all over MySpace (Fox just loves the cross promotion and that some off the lottery proceeds go to the State education fund) –That Rupert Murdoch is a real swell feller.and if this ‘Sex Scratch Off” thang get’s a goin good, he said they will make it into a reality show”

"Scratch Off or Wack Off?" -“ Now that’s A surefire reality show hit for Fox TV -Texas should bring in a pile of dough for their schools - and those young sluts on MySpace will make a lot of new friends.

What a country!

United States To Outsource Prison Population

Well it looks like - if you break the law in the good ole USA -You will do your time in some Foreign country. Maybe India or China if your lucky - but it could just as easily be the Congo or Somalia - or whoever makes the lowest bid to keep you in captivity.

And with a new report showing that one out of one-hundred people in the good ole USA are doin some kind of jail time - this plan comes just intime to help our hurtin economy.



"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"



He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot for ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for under five thousand (and if the liberals don't squawk we could probably get some countries to pay us for these folks )"



"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!

A Vacuum - Lots of Time - The Big Bang - Evolution - Genetics - Synthetic Life - Goodbye God

The following is an actual scientific report - as reported on MSNBC - check it out.

That first cell of synthetic life — made from the basic chemicals in DNA — may not seem like much to non-scientists. For one thing, you’ll have to look in a microscope to see it.

“Creating protocells has the potential to shed new life on our place in the universe,” Bedau said. “This will remove one of the few fundamental mysteries about creation in the universe and our role.”

And several scientists believe man-made life forms will one day offer the potential for solving a variety of problems, from fighting diseases to locking up greenhouse gases to eating toxic waste.

Bedau figures there are three major hurdles to creating synthetic life:
A container, or membrane, for the cell to keep bad molecules out, allow good ones, and the ability to multiply.
A genetic system that controls the functions of the cell, enabling it to reproduce and mutate in response to environmental changes.
A metabolism that extracts raw materials from the environment as food and then changes it into energy.

One of the leaders in the field, Jack Szostak at Harvard Medical School, predicts that within the next six months, scientists will report evidence that the first step — creating a cell membrane — is “not a big problem.” Scientists are using fatty acids in that effort.


Szostak is also optimistic about the next step — getting nucleotides, the building blocks of DNA, to form a working genetic system.
His idea is that once the container is made, if scientists add nucleotides in the right proportions, then Darwinian evolution could simply take over.

“We aren’t smart enough to design things, we just let evolution do the hard work and then we figure out what happened,” Szostak said.
In Gainesville, Fla.,

Steve Benner, a biological chemist at the Foundation for Applied Molecular Evolution is attacking that problem by going outside of natural genetics. Normal DNA consists of four bases — adenine, cytosine, guanine and thymine (known as A,C,G,T) — molecules that spell out the genetic code in pairs. Benner is trying to add eight new bases to the genetic alphabet.

Bedau said there are legitimate worries about creating life that could “run amok,” but there are ways of addressing it, and it will be a very long time before that is a problem.

“When these things are created, they’re going to be so weak, it’ll be a huge achievement if you can keep them alive for an hour in the lab,” he said. “But them getting out and taking over, never in our imagination could this happen.”

I can't wait! - Freedom from the mumbo jumbo crowd is on it's way. -- At last!

Soon God Will Be Dead - Thank God

So i asked my son this georgous LA Christmas mornin; "Now your mother is a religious catholic and you were christened -do you believe all that Jesus/Revelation/ Divine Deity/Heaven-Hell/ Literal Scripture Miracle/Blind-faith Stuff?"

Thank God - he replied. "Are you fucking crazy Dad?"

So i said; "No profanity in the Digibandit household -and if you don't believe in God where do you get your sense of right and wrong from - i mean why are you such a kindhearted and loving and charitable person?"(the wackos say secularists have no moral foundation)

He said;"Because i'm a fucking normal human being - and for most of these fucking religious asshole repressed hypocrites - Church is just half time in the worldwide video game called " Slaughter The Innocents Because They Are Different" - And, anyway, all the cool people would be cool even if they weren't completely brainwashed into believing that crapola when they were little."

I said; "Stop cursing - here's a check for ten thousand dollars - buy some drugs and take your girlfriend to Las Vegas for New Years - on me. -You have allowed me to die in peace. - I'm so proud of you!"

"Keep your money poppy - give it to some poor folks -and i'll try to stop cursing, but it's hard being around you. -and anyway wer'e working at the Santa Monica food bank on New Years."

God can't last much longer - these kids today are too moral -- Thank God!

Merry Xmas

Merry Xmas From China - Lead For Tots - And Brain Damage

It's simple - the current levels of lead in Chinese made toys are destructive to the long term cognitive development of your children.

Unanimous recommendations by doctors and scientists are to decrease the amount of lead deemed currently acceptable by over ten fold. (and the Chinks currently violate even the unacceptable existing standards for lead content)

"Oh -I justcan't seem to find any toys my little Amy wants that aren't from China?"

Listen you fucking moron -- little Amy will be drooling all over herself in the stock room of a Chinese corporation when she's twenty one -earning seven dollars an hour - and will give birth to your grandchild who will be ironically Chinese / Mongolian - with a ten pound head.

For Christ's sake go buy your kids some books - or crafts or anything that's made in America without lead paint.

Huckabee Should Start Healing Iowans - Says The Lord

With the Christian extremists in Iowa pleading for some sign of revelation from Minister Huckleberry - he has announced:

"I have been trying not to show off my healing powers during the campaign - but last night The Lord said that he and Jesus agreed that in the interests of getting me elected as President, - I now had a green light to heal some lame Iowans."

"I told the Lord that most of the Iowans were lame - he said to choose a half dozen of the lamest"

"I hope no one will think I'm showing off, but since God and Jesus say it's the right thing to do - i just have to go along with their plan and hope for the best."

"I asked the Lord if it was okay for me to heal my very fucked up son - but he said not to waste my time and that i had fucked him up so bad he couldn't be saved"

"I get the feelin that God is a dog lover."

PS --And for those of you who have been too busy shopping for more shit you don't need -- Google it up and read all about David Hucklebee. Ole Huckleberry raised a real winner here.(a dog torturer and was recently caught with a handgun going through airport security)

Please dear Lord - Send Us A Sign - Destroy Iowa

Boy would i like to be a fly on the wall up in heaven watching the Lord's reaction to the horseshit flowing out of the mouths of America's newest Pilgrims - Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee - as they bob and weave their way through the ignorant religious puke talk that serves as original thinking and constructive dialogue in this goober state - full of fundamentalist morons.

My God - it's like listening to a conversation between a bunch of fucking ignorant hillbillies. Yokels whose search for insight and clarity ended with their childhood indoctrination into a mindset of superstition and magic and miracles. They joined the circus as children and are still traveling with the two headed fat lady and the fire breathing dwarf on their way to Paradise with absolute certainty - in absolute ignorance.

Jesus Christ is probably saying to his daddy -- "Poppy - you let me be fucking crucified so these assholes could manipulate your message of love and salvation and charity into political soundbites ?"

"It's okay my sonny boy - Mitt's goin to hell in any case -and that fucking phony moron Huckleberry? -- I'm gonna have him spend eternity in the shower with Sodom"

Send us a sign Lord - Please - send a plague over Iowa!

Illegal Gang Guns For Gift Certificates - God Bless America

Yep - out in Compton California the gang bangers were getting really out of control so the local government in association with the local fuzz came up with a solution that will go down with the signing of the Magna Carta as a total breakthrough in the march of Civilization!

"Bring in your illegal gun and get a fifty dollar gift certificate to Home Depot" -- no questions asked, and if you think this is another of my deranged digital delusions, just google it up.

Guns are coming in like crazy - but these gang bangers are not stupid, so their turning in their shitty old "pieces" and keeping the Glocks and Kalishnakovs oiled and ready.

"You ain't getting my Glock motherfuckah -for no redneck gift certificate. And the only reason i turned in my grandaddy's flintlock is because i traded the gift certificate for five vials of crack;" said Lubama Meosha a local gang banger.

"Well - what would it take to get you to turn in your Glock?" i asked.

"Hmmm - i would say a big bag of heroine - a case of Colt 44 malt liquor and a blowjob (wit a woman)"

Well what the hell are we waiting for? - A solution to violent crime in America -- at last!"