Ball Breaking Endangering National Security

Dr.Moishe Pipick -head biologist at The World

Biology Research Institute in Berne,Switzerland -announced today

":The size of male Gonads (balls) has been shrinking steadily in the major world democracies -especially in the USA - for two decades -and the diminished testosterone levels in men is now at a critical level"

Elise Mandelbaum -digibandit healthand science editor asked Dr. Pipick" What are the main causes of the Gonad shrinkage?

"First and foremost it is the increasing aggression in female behavior which is reversing Darwinian protocals in male development - and the commensurrate insecurity among men about their historical genealogical roles."

"So in plain English Doctor Pipick?" said Mandelbaum.

He replied; "Men are losing their balls because of female intimidation -nagging and general ball breaking behavior"

"And how does this impact on our national security in the USA?"

DR. Pipick responded; "Well -for one thing the military -and especially at the fighting man level is becoming less dynamic -especially when facing an enemy like the fascist moslems who have no concept of taking ANY crapola from a woman"

He continued; "Our studies show that Arab men have gonads that are .o567 centimeters larger than an American male -which translates into an 18 percent testosterone advantage"

"In simple terms - modern women are squeazing the grape (ball) juice out of modern men -and turning them into fucking wimps!"

Mandelbaum replied: "Iv'e noticed that with my husband Manny -is there any thing we women can do?".

Pipick answered "Stop breaking balls and nagging and acting cunty"

Pastor Rick Warren Guilty Of Genocide -From HIS Masturbation

What's that! - The Pastor who presided at Obama's inauguration - Who has the largest Christian Congregation on earth (The Saddleback Church)-Who wrote "The Purpose Driven Life" -which has outsold the Bible:

Guilty of genocide?--- Absolutely and here's why!

He told David Gregory on "Meet The Press" -- "There has been a genocide of sixty million souls - those who have been aborted since the Roe V Wade decision.

OK -so since Ricky equates a women's decision to have some microscopic cells scraped from her uterus- or the early growth of an embryo- both of which represent the "POTENTIAL" for human life - with genocidal murder:

I hence assume he believes that GOD is saying ""Uh Uh Don't fuck with MY zygotes - i gave you humans sperm and eggs and they are to be used for procreation only - or you are guilty of murder -- oooooooooooooooooooooooooh!"

Now for those of us who believe that "LIfe" begins when their is sentience and follow our ethical and moral precepts guided by medical science and common sense and with respect for a women's privacy - well - we are on a plane with Adolph Eichmann and Hitler et.al -and are killing little humans daily .(fortunately in the good ole USA as opposed to Saudi Arabia or even the USA prior to the separation of Church and State)) We heathens don't have to receive our morality direct from the tooth fairy)

Oh -and Ricky boy just stands there and preaches while genocide is occuring all around him - (kinda like the Church did during the lesser Holocaust of a mere six million Jews)

Anyway -back to Pastor Rick's complicity in personal genocidal homicide - BECAUSE - if destroying the POTENTIAL for life (as opposed to the secular view of when LIFE ACTUALLY begins) IS on a moral plain with "MURDER"- in the eyes of GOD -and as Pastor Ricky says :

THEN (ta da) - every time Rick Warren jerked off - he commited "MURDER"-according to the Bible and in the eyes of GOD!

As a million sperm cells carrying the potential for life flew onto his belly - Pastor Rick - Along with all the other murderous masturbating Christians - destroyed the potential for life in the eyes of god:

As surely as did the SS officer who shoved my Aunt Tanta and her three little girls into the ovens at Auswich)

So - first of all Ricky -YOU are going to HELL! -And secondly -you are going to the hottest part of HELL - Because you stood by and watched sixty million human beings being slaughtered since Roe V Wade and did shit!

Oh - and i won't even get into what St. Thomas Aquinas would say about when you good Christians become guilty of such genocide in the eyes of GOD - BUT FYI -It would be when you begin -in good conscience - to plan on how to frustrate the insemination process with your onerous anti ovulation trickery - Which is SO transparent to your God (and REALLY pisses him off)

Nancy Pelosi Say's Hot Sex Is Positive Relief For Congress

House Chairwoman -Nancy Pelosi told digibandit White House Bureau Chief -Elise Mandelbaum:

"Look - these guys are besieged by hot pussy night and day -and with all the pressures that a guy like my friend Max Bauchus is under - especially fighting with those redneck Republicans over health care Reform ---- Who cares about him having a little fun with some hot chick?"

'But Madame Speaker" responded Ms. Mandelbaum "Would you have an affair with a young Congressional employee?"

Pelosi responded; "I should be so lucky - i didn't have these big Jugs of mine fixed so i could fuck some alta cocker in the Senate!"

"But what about your husband?" asked Mandelbaum-to which Pelosi answered:

"Look -My husband is a good looking multi-millionaire -with a big ego -And - he's probably going down on some young bimbo in his limo as we speak"

She went on; "Hey - it will be a very positive sign of women's political evolution when we start hearing about all the young cock they're getting up on Capitol Hill - Why should the old farts have all the fun -and the wonderful emotional release from all the bullshit we go through on a daily basis?"

Mandelbaum responded; 'But what about American's conservative values -and the Religious Right?"

" She concluded - are you kidding me -the biggest whoremasters on earth are those phony bible belters - fuckem all! -They are worthless!"

"I'm with you Madam Chairwoman"

EVERY Great Congressman Fucks Around -Face It!

They have power and money and influence and are married to mostly mature(older) women who they wish would not show up in their bedrooms (however infrequently)

They are surrounded by young hot (smart and exciting) gals who would like nothing more than to give them a great blow job under their desks at a moments notice -regardless of how fat and ugly they are.

Any man with enough drive and intellect and some testosterone left in his gonads will jump on these opportunities.

The ones that won't are not capable of dealing with the other maniacs they have to wrestle

with to help all of US survive.

Or - they are fucking some young male page in the Senate Cloakroom.

Personally i believe their should be a Congressional Harem - kinda like the Roman's had for their gladiators.

So the next time you read about a Max Bauchus humping some chic in his limo - rest assured it's good for all of us!

Who want's a horny Congressman or Senator fighting for our rights as descent folks just trying to make it through the night with our old worn out hags.

They're just doing what we would do in a heartbeat just for pleasure -WITHOUT helping the Country out in the process.

SO - GO MAX GO!

Senator Baucus Reveals Relationship With Woman He Nominated, A.P. Reports

A spokesman for Senator Max Baucus said the Montana Democrat

was in a romantic relationship with the woman he nominated
for U.S. attorney, the Associated Press reports.

It's Ok Max -Just keep fighting for health care reform -AND - Keep It Up!

Elin Woods To Attend Ora Sexl Boot Camp -For Tiger

"I blame myself completely for Tiger's extra marital transgressions" Mrs. Woods tearfully confessed to digibandit reporter Elise Mandelbaun.

"He was just dying for some great head -and i denied him"

"Was he getting it from his girlfriend" Asked Mandelbaum.

"Oh yes -he told me she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch"

"Why didn't you step up to the plate -so to speak?" asked Mandelbaum.

"Well his thing was so big and black - it just looks like some kinda snake and it scared me!"

Mrs. Woods went on;"But in Oral Boot Camp they teach you how to deal with these things

"I'm going to the same one that Hillary Clinton graduated from - and she said it saved her marriage - and Bill doesn't cheat around anymore-BUT she graduated at the HEAD of her class

"I hope i can do well and i'm gonna suck my heart out tryin!"

"Best of luck" said Mandelbaum "Just keep your head down and do your best"

Tiger Woods Fled Nagging Wife That Night

Tiger's next door neighbor's heard his wife screaming; "Go ahead run you coward! - humping your wife like a stallion takes a lot more courage than driving a golf ball three hundred yards! Doesn't it?"

Woods' next door neighbors -Moyna and Moishe Pipick said "She is always ragging on him to love her the way he does his golfing But Saturday night Tiger had had enough of her crap -and he ran out and jumped in his Caddy and screamed

" My Momma was right about not marrying a honky bitch! -And i wouldn't fuck you with my caddie's dick!"

Moishe Pipick exclaimed"I heard her screaming that the only hole he cares about is on a golf green -And -that he better give her some "Long Driving" or she was gonna fuck the pool boy to death~"

"And then he smashed into the fire hydrant"

Pipick went on"I mean- is that any way to talk to such a menchy guy like Tiger?"

"Menchy schmenchy!" said Monya Pipick -"If you were gone night and day and didn't take care of MY needs - I would fuck your cousin Manny withb the big schlonger1`"

Moishe asked Monya "What BIG Schlonger?"

"The one his wife Elise is always bragging about!"

Well - you can always rely on the neighbors when the Cops and the Media can't get to the heart of the matter.

Fox Announced"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?"

Mike Darnell head of Fox TV programming has announced a follow up show to it's hugely successful "Are You Smarter Than A Five Year Old?"

"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." That number is twenty percent for all teenagers and twenty five percent for Hispanics.

Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."

He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child.

First Recorded Case Of "Coyote Leg" Reported

A team of doctors from "Coyote Arm" International has confirmed that Manny Orbach from Bensonhurst in Brooklyn NYC - Chewed off a large chunk of his leg (which had to be subsequently amputated) -thinking it was his arm) when he awoke from a night of drunken revelry with Elise Mandelbaum draped across his body.

Mr. Orbach stated for the record; " I opened my eyes and when i saw it/her and i started to scream but was able to muffle it right away - THEN realizing how entangled we were -and in a complete state of panic and hysteria that i might awaken her/it - and be forced to engage it - I did the manly thing and went right for my arm - not realizing i was gnawing through my leg before it was too late"

He continued; "Fortunately i was able to extricate myself from under her and crawl away for help -and praise be to the lord that she was still zonked out enough that she didn't awaken - or i would have had to kill myself"

Moishe Pipick - president of World Wide Coyote Arm International praised Mr. Orbach for his courage -and said;

"Manny Orbach is a testimonial to the power and pride of ALL Men and we at WWCA are making sure he will receive the latest in prosthetic surgery and rehabilitation -and are awarding him The Coyote Arm (and now Leg) Legion of Honor -which carries a cash prize of one million dollars along with the many sponsor endorsements which are already coming his way"

He concluded; "However - we are not formally endorsing 'Coyote Leg" and recommend that you take a minute to get your bearings - take a deap breath -and go for the ARM!"

Worldwide "Coyote Arm" Gathering Draws Millions

Men -from around the world - who have chewed off their arm so as to not risk waking the "Beast" they found snuggled up next to them after a drunken night of partying - joined together in Basil Switzerland today -To celebrate their collegial honor and bravery -and to warn "Men Everywhere" of the potential consequences of "Drunken Passion".

Moishe Pipick - Leader of the UCAF (Universal Coyote Arm federation) - chosen for being the first man to chew off BOTH arms when he woke up with TWINS - who in his words. "Defied the theory of evolution" announced:

"Men who have lost an arm in the service of drunken passion - bear witness and testimony to our eternal weakness for "Drunken Pussy" and the price some of us must pay for the dignity of All men Everywhere!"

Mr. Pipick went on; "And while there has been an attempt by the women marching outside our gathering to establish a "Coyote Arm" organization of their own -we can see by the number of one armed women marching - that they have a limited following"

"And - we have it on good sources - that most of those one armed women were the victims of MEN who got their arms mixed up"

"And in conclusion" - said Pipick -"I am so proud to see the growing numbers of TWO ARM Coyote Men". -"It takes great courage to chew off both arms - And we salute them!"

Visa Announces "Shop Only" -Shop Til You Drop" Card

Want to get that "shopper's high" without actually spending a dime?

Get that special rush of Dopamine surging into your brain as you mainstream consumer consumption ?

Feel that special rush as the retailer swipes and bags your 'Junk" like a heroin addict in a shooting gallery?

Well - with Visa's "Shop Till You Drop" card you just pay a small fee --ten thousand dollars worth of "buy only" credits cost a paltry fifty bucks

And you high roller's can get up to one -hundred thousand dollars in credits for a paltry three hundred bucks.

So shop away! - You check out the goods just like you were actually buying them -- the clerk says thank you - and you leave without the merchandise, but aglow with that "special shoppers high" that really has nothing to do with needing or even wanting most of "the stuff" anyway.

And for a small extra fee the clerk will provide you with an assortment of boxes with the details of what you "shopped" so you can arrive at home and go over all your "shopped only purchases" with your family and friends - getting yet another " consumption fix" - for free - when you open them.

And -- you can give these "Shopped Only"gifts for any and all occasions - "Oh look what the Pipick's "Shopped" us for our housewarming." As your friend unwraps and reads the gift description - "A beautiful Tiffany bowl".

And the whole nature of consumerism will change - and life as we know it - and the social and political and economic and cultural impact will be staggering!

Remember - it's "The thought that counts" - so get your Visa "Shop Till You Drop" card -- get high - and change the world! --For peanuts!

Fox Tv Announces “Ten Drunken Dwarfs Farting”

“I can’t take credit for this hot new addition to our summer reality line-up” said Fox TV pres. Mike Schlocknell.

“This sure fire hit is the brain child of our very own Rupert Murdoch” he said at a press conference in LA today “You know – “Rup has always maintained that if you did a whole show with nothing but Dwarfs sittin around drinking and getting loaded –and farting” “You’ll have a hit TV show Schlocknell!”

“So – we did some focus groups and sure enough Rup was absolutely right – folks were peeing in their pants –and we should have trusted Rup’s instincts from the get go –because if anyone has a feel for this shit –it’s Rup!”

“Isn’t the preferred term these days Little People - won’t they and the audience be offended by the word “Dwarfs?” asked digibandit Hollywood bureau chief –Elise Mandelbaum.

“Nope!” said Schlocknell - “ Rupe was very clear about that and he told me; “Mike – we don’t want ANY Little Folks! - Make sure you use ONLY dwarfs!”

“Are they gonna have a focus to their drunken fart laden commentary?” asked Mandelbaum.

“Oh yeah!” answered Schlocknell – the theme for the first thirteen shows is “ Obama Is Acting Like A? ” – like “President Obama is Acting Like a Baby” - Or he’s acting like a Spoiled Black Kid - Or He’s Acting Like a Muslim” -You get the idea Elise dontcha? -All that crybaby flap he voiced about Fox news!”

“Yeah –that Ruppert Murdoch sure is a creative character –he’s even more creative than you are Mike!”

“Well Elise” – he replied -“The Jews don’t have ALL the creativity around here” (off microphone -“But you sure have got great tits!”)

Mickey Mouse Becomes A Black "Pimp Mouse"

LOS ANGELES — For decades, the Walt Disney Company has largely kept Mickey Mouse frozen under glass, fearful that even the tiniest tinkering might tarnish the brand and upend his $5 billion or so in annual merchandise sales.

Now, however, concerned that Mickey has become more of a schmucky corporate symbol than a beloved character for recent generations of young people, Disney is taking the risky step of re-imagining him for the future as a Black "Pimp Mouse"

The first glimmer of this will be the introduction next year of a new video game, Epic Mickey, in which the formerly squeaky clean character can be cantankerous and cunning, as well as heroic, as he traverses a forbidding wasteland shtupping hot chics and killing white cops.

Moishe Pipick -head of Disney public relations said; " Let's face it -iwe are just a marketing moment away from parents suddenly realizing that their kids are using their Mickey Mouse shit as sex toys -I mean a fucking MOUSE invented in the forties for kids who spend ten hours a day with Grand Theft Auto?"

"I mean" - said Pipick - "the Mouse thing is cool - but it's gotta be "Pimped" for today's wacko kids"

Elise mandelbaum -digibandit entertainment reporter asked Pipick; "Well what the fuck about Goofy?"

"Excellent question Elise!" - "Goofy is being transformed -as we speak - into a cool rock star who runs a Medical Marijuana store in Venice Beach, California -and who also does porno movies."

"Wow! -said Mandelbaum -"Disney is really going for broke!"

"Yep" said Pippick - "And when you see Goofy you are gonna want to put those bodacious tata's of yours in his Goofy'mouth"

"Cool!"

.

And at the same time, in a parallel but separate effort, Disney has quietly embarked on an even larger project to rethink the character’s personality, from the way Mickey walks and talks to the way he appears on the Disney Channel and how children interact with him on the Web — even what his house looks like at Disney World.

Fox Announces –Weekend at Bernie’s –With Ruth Madoff

Fox TV president Mike Schlocknell said today –in a press conference at the posh LA eatery - Morton’s ; “This is gonna be bigger than Idol!”

Think of it as “Weekend At Bernie’s” three ha ha ha - I mean we originally were gonna call it “Weekends With Bernie at Butner. NC Federal Detention Center” – But – this is so much hipper with it’s reference to those two iconic Bernie movies -and like them – this is kinda like a dark comedy “

He continued; ‘I met with Ruth Madoff (who bye the way is still kinda hot) and when she swept into Palm Beach last month to meet with me and discuss this show concept with a quintet of girlfriends, her $7,500 Birkin bag dangling, and with her husband’s 74-year-old sister, who was ruined by Bernie’s scam, who is now watering plants and driving people to the airport just to make ends meet:

I knew we had the beginnings of a winner!

I mean broken victims owed millions in her husband's suspected Ponzi scheme are fighting for pennies on the dollar, but Ruth Madoff says $62 million she squirreled away is none of their business.

Ruthy has an E. 64th St. apartment, valued at $7 million, as well as $45 million in municipal bonds controlled by Cohmad Securities and $17 million in a Wachovia account.

.Ruth Madoff has never been criminally charged in her husband's alleged fraud, but federal investigators continue to probe others who may have had a hand in a $50 billion Ponzi scheme that's been called the largest in the nation's history.”

Schlocknell continued:”And –she knows where ALL the bodies are buried! - Just think of the drama as she sits with Bernie –shows family videos – talks with Bernie’s two hated sons Mark and Andrew –– meets with the victims oye vey i'm having an an orgasm!”

He went on; 'And that stuff is only the beginning of the TV friendly stuff that's gonna GUSH from this show - I mean -this is the stuff that American;s DREAM of watching!"

Schlocknell concluded; "I mean - you talk about schadenfraude - There will be thirty million American's tuned into this show screaming -The fucking Jews finally got it up the ass! -Fuck em! - Look at these two fucking Hebes! - What a fucking Jewish Princess whore that Ruth Madoff is! - Look at that tan on that fucking Jew Madoff will ya! -

Get me another beer Martha! -And tell the kids to shut the fuck up- i can't here what she's saying!"

Russia Tied With Frazier Park CA. - In Alcohol Consumption

Russians consume roughly 4.75 gallons of pure alcohol a person annually, more than double the level that theWorld Health Organization considers a health threat. The consumption figure for the United States is about 2.3 gallons.

The country will have difficulty resolving its demographic crisis — its population is predicted to drop nearly 20 percent by 2050 — if it does not confront its alcohol problem. Life expectancy for Russian men is now 60 years, in part because of alcoholism.

Researchers studying mortality in three industrial cities in Siberia in the 1990s found that in several years, alcohol was the cause of more than half of all deaths of people ages 15 to 54, often from accidents, violence or alcohol poisoning, according to a report this year in The Lancet, a London-based medical publication.

The Public Chamber, a Kremlin advisory panel, has asserted that roughly 500,000 people die annually in Russia from causes directly related to or aggravated by alcohol.

But Frazier Park CA. Still leads in obesity and spousal and pet abuse.

Fox Announces -Dead Relatives With God Videos

Yep -Fox is getting into the Educational Video biz and here's a sample of their first release "Say Hi To Grandpop Up In Heaven"(Grandmom's are next because they live longer) -which is flying off the shelves this holiday season:

Videos can be personalized as follows:

"High my darling grandchildren -This is Granpa Pipick speaking to you from heaven.

'It's so beautiful and peaceful here -and i'm sitting here with God playing a nice game of checkers - and God wants to say hi;

"Hi -this is god and the reason I'm sitting here with Grandpa Pipick playing checkers and sipping iced tea - instead of him roasting for all Eternity in Hell with the Devil -is because he was a good man and he worshipped me."

"So i want you to be very good and worship me blindly no matter how horrible life treats you or how stupid that seems -or you won't get up here and be with your good -God loving loved ones

"And if you're real bad - i might just send Grandpa Pipick down to Hell just to get even. - Now here's your Grandpa again"

"Now kids - you want me to go on living like a King up here in Heaven dontcha? -So don't fuck up and get me sent down with Grandma Pipick and Uncle Abe -in Hell!"

"And the production is so inexpensive" said Elise Mandelbaum President of Fox Video.

She stated; "The religious right loonies will buy these videos by the millions - we received ten thousand videos of grandparents from these nut cases just last week so we can edit them into the finished tapes before they croak"

"Or we can just send the generic version with fake heavenly voices (with provided info re Grandpa) as soon as we receive a deposit of $49.95"

"Hey! _ isn't there a whole new potential market here? -Messages from the dead kinda stuff?" asked digibandit Hollywood reporter Yonah Shimmel.

"heh heh" Laughed Mandelbaum "And a whole new reality show series is in the works:

"Afterlife" starring dead people - playing themselves before they died - Just as if they were still alive "

Fox rules! .

USA Should Offer Prisoners A Corporate BuyOut

OK -Your serving twenty five to life or life without parole (or maybe even apply to ALL sentences?) -AND -have we got a deal for you!

We will pay your designated recipient thirty thousand dollars (tax free) - AND you will get one month at the National Prisoner Pleasure Retreat (NPPS) - located on what the Feds are calling "Eagle Island"

Think of the Eagles great song "Hotel California" with those haunting lyrics 'You can check out but you never leave'

At the conclusion of their one month stay - warm in the glow of the most georgeous and sensuous pleasure providers Uncle Sam can provide (even some female inmate hotties who will get sentence reductions for their service) - And "High as a kite bye now" (as Elton John put it):

An official slips some junk in their martini and it's painlessly over!

The good ole USA taxpayer saves 40k (ave.yearly cost for incarceration) times the number of years the prisoner would have been supported behind bars.

His poor family gets a nice bit of change.

And he goes out with a bang

Hey - It's no different than corporations who offer buyouts -and save billions - to their old and washed up employees:

EXCEPT for the stay on "Eagle Island" which is an awfully nice bonus -and:

One that i'm willing to bet most corporate buyout victims would grab in a minute if Uncle Sam stepped up to the plate with the corporations! - AND - the government would save a ton on Social Security payments. (i mean they do get the martini dessert if they accept the added option) -Options! -Just like with Medicare

"You Can check-out but you never leave"

Another breakthrough concept from the digibandit!

Even Halloween Sucks In American Schools

A memo about costume appropriateness sent home recently by Riverside Drive’s (LA) principal made the following points:

¶They should not depict gangs or horror characters, or be scary.

¶Masks are allowed only during the parade.

¶Costumes may not demean any race, religion, nationality, handicapped condition or gender.

¶No fake fingernails.

¶No weapons, even fake ones.

¶Shoes must be worn.

Joel Bishoff’s children will make the cut at Riverside Drive. His second grader will be Dorothy (not the witch!) from “The Wizard of Oz,” while his fifth-grade son will wear a costume depicting a box of Wheaties.

And then young Moishe Bishoff will go home and jump on his xbox -assume the role of a black teenage gang banger - and start slaughtering cops and old ladies for four hours.

His sister Sarah will be up in her room watching "Girls Gone Bad" while she revs up her vibrator -and Mom will be in the kitchen washing down her Xanax with a Martini while watching "Desperate Housewives of Whore Valley" -and Dad is late because he's out fucking his assistant.

So shove the Wheaties and Carrots costumes up your local school board's assholes -and get with the program.

It's Rome 500 AD baby - way to late for Goofy and Mickey Mouse - Everyday is Halloween in this fun house of a country -and you don't NEED a costume.

Happy Halloweeny!

The Vulture Compared to A Predatory Catholic Priest

i wouldn't cornhole a kid

if i could fly i would fuck Vultures

 i wouldn't fuck a Priest with your cock

 i wish you were ten years old my dear

Vultures  eat rotting flesh and defend themselves by projectile vomiting at their enemies. Throw in the fact that that they can fly, can grow to have wing spans of close to 6 feet, and grunt and hiss like giant snakes when they feel threatened, and you have an animal fashioned from the nightmares of Edgar Allen Poe, as directed by Tim Burton, in a very bad mood.

Toss in the popular notion that you only see these things when you’re alone, near death, somehow stuck walking alone through a dessert, and we’re pretty much talking about the opposite of a butterfly here.

Consider these vulture fun facts: (Spoiler alert- they are not fun).

- a vulture can eat a diseased corpse of an animal, and through its digestive system, the disease will be rendered neutral, that is to say, the vulture’s poop will be clean. Which is nice.

- the vomit of a vulture has more acidic content than acid rain, and if its incredible stench doesn’t scare away its predator, the vomit contacting the skin will actually burn it.

- vultures urinate on themselves as a method of cooling their skin and destroying bacteria that may have gotten on them while feeding on a dying, diseased animal. Sure, they could be more careful about eating, but then they wouldn't have the need to pee on themselves.

- a vulture will often begin eating an animal corpse at its anus or at its eyes. Why? Because in most cases, that is where the dead animal is most vulnerable. So, ah, take that, other animals who think they’re creepy- I’m talking to YOU- eels, tapeworms and ticks.

- vultures can smell a dead mouse under leaves at 200 feet in the sky. To put that in perspective, consider that if milk smells bad, you know immediately to not put it in your coffee- the vulture would be all like “ah, no, it’s the other way around.”

But -Remember this -A Vulture unlike a homo priest -will not fuck a nine year old Altar Boy in the tuchas.

Pope Tells Africans To Stop Fucking

On his way to Africa last month, he said the best strategy is the church's effort to promote sexual responsibility through abstinence and monogamy. -No condoms allowed! -No sport fucking!

"Hey you dysfunctional folks out there on the Dark Continent - i know your'e having trouble not chopping up everyone in sight -and you make a dollar a day - and your'e hot and dirty - and you have no toilet paper or TV or radio or socks -or even drugs -and there are flies eating up your eyeballs:

"But i -Your'e Pope - don't have a cock -so don't worry about getting laid -- i hear it's very messy!"

'If you absolutely have to stick your biga blacka dicka in something -find a young boy -lika my priests."

That Pope is quite a guy!

But they ain't listening - here's the latest statement from The Black Bishops (who would fuck any altar boy that's not armed or has advanced stage leprosy)

"The bishops did not veer from Vatican policy opposing the use of condoms to prevent the spread of H.I.V. and AIDS. “The problem cannot be overcome by the distribution of prophylactics,” they wrote. Instead, they urged abstinence among the unmarried and fidelity among the married. “Such a course of action not only offers the best protection against the spread of this disease but is also in harmony with Christian morality,” they wrote."

These guys are from another fucking planet!

Welcome Prisoners To The Congo - Bend Over!

FLORENCE, Ariz. — One of the newest residents on Arizona’s death row, a convicted serial killer named Dale Hausner, poked his head up from his television to look at several visitors strolling by, each of whom wore face masks and vests to protect against the sharp homemade objects that often are propelled from the cells of the condemned.

Multimedia

It is a dangerous place to patrol, and Arizona spends $4.7 million each year to house inmates like Mr. Hausner in a super-maximum-security prison. But in a first in the criminal justice world, the state’s death row inmates could become the responsibility of a private company.

Well here's a much better idea!

The United States Should Sell It's Prison Population

Ny Times :The United States has, for instance, 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.

Moishe Pipick - head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"

He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."

"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!

Study Confirms Fox News Audience Heavily Dysfunctional

Average Fox news viewers have a thirty five percent lower IQ

85% have never read a book

27% are wife beaters (3x the national average)

69% of the women are obese and 89% of the men

86% believe Mary was a virgin

84% OF MEN GET LAID LESS THAN ONCE PER MONTH

89%of women have never performed oral sex and 99% of them have ever experienced cunnilingus.

73% of men and 85% of women are ugly and hairy

Over 60%of men AND women are alcoholics and/or druggies.

99% are Christian

Over 70% of ALL their men and Women beat their children AND their pets.

They earn 49% less income than CNN viewers.

Over half the Men AND Women are homophobes AND racists

Twelve %of Men have fucked a sheep

Fifteen % of the Women have used a cucumber

This study was extensive and Moishe Pipick president of National Data Services -a worldwide polling and statistical research organization -headquartered in Bern, Switzerland said today:

"So? - What's so surprising? -These folks are basically morons!"

Folks Now Renting Car's To Homeless

The first night after she surrendered her house to foreclosure, Sheri West endured the darkness in her rented Hyundai sedan. She parked in her old driveway, with her flower-print dresses and hats piled in boxes on the back seat, and three cherished houseplants on the floor. She used her backyard as a restroom.

American's are innovators - and with so many folks unable to make their car payments -and so many NEW homeless folks due to home foreclosures - waddya do?

You guessed it -they rent out their cars as homes! -Yep - 250 bucks a month will get ya a nice cozy space in a 1990 Hundai Sedan (trunk rights are 5 bucks a month extra) Toilet paper and yard rights are extra!

I mean -that is the spirit and energy of a free market economy that the Republican's can really be proud of.

Right up until the day - maybe coming sooner than they think -when they see the torches and pitchforks glowing and waving outside their suburban enclaves.

"Let Em Eat Cake!" said Marie Antoinette -right before the French Revolutionaries lopped off her head and the Kings -and most of the rich folks.

Fox TV Announces "Balloon Boy"

Fox Reality TV wasted no time in signing up the rights to the "Balloon Boy" Family.

Fox Television president Herb Schlockwinder announced today:

'Hey we know a great reality opportunity when we see one and this "Balloon Boy" family has got it all!"

He continued: "I mean they are dysfunctional (in a sweet way) - totally sociopathic - and are convinced that kids were put on earth to be exploited - I mean -It's ALL there!"

Digibandit Hollywood reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked Schlockwinder "What's the show about?"

"Heh! Heh! Heh!" said Schlockwinder -"Hey Elise -you are one pushy Jew! -You know i can't give that away! "But i will say you're looking great today (overheard wispering "Great Tits" to his assistant) -AND - the show will be kinda like 'The Osbournes" meets The Balloon Boy Family"

"Thanks Herb - and their perfect - and i would rather have a leper touch them than you!"

"BBBBBBBBut Elise c'mon -hey come back here (overheard saying "What a tight Jewy Ass") -I'll give you a scoop!" - says Schlockwinder.

Fox IS Reality!

Women Have Ruined America -And Castrated Men

With two thirds od all women now working -and soon to comprise over fifty percent of the workforce (up from nineteen percent in 1950 - here's the cultural impact:

The economy has completely tanked

Wages are totally depressed

Children are neglected

High school dropout rates are over forty five percent

Thirty five percent of children are obese (and adult obesity is at epidemic proportions

Men get laid thirty percent less per month and are sexually frustrated.

Spousal abuse has climbed twenty eight percent.

Divorce rates are over fifty percent -and seventy five percent of all married couples are miserable.

Twenty five percent of all men are now gay -and another thirty percent are thinking about it.

Ten percent of all men now say they would fuck a sheep.

Congratulations!

Captain Lou Albano Is Partying With The Lord!

And if everyone on Earth who did not worship him as a God were to drop dead right now -this Planet would at last be free and at peace!

No war - no oppression -no religion - no discrimination - no anger - no anxt - no uptight white people - no Muslim Arabs - no priests - no guns - no rednecks - no energy -no REAL violence.

Right now god is sitting with the Captain who has just pierced god's face with a rubberband and then threw him down with Greg Valentine's famous four legs locked hold.

And God is laughing and screaming "That's enough Lou -You crazy motherfucker you -hahahahahhaha"

First Concierge Doctors - Now Food Tasters

When it became apparent to rich folks that they had a much better chance of surviving a medical calamity if they had a team of personal physicians standing by 24/7 who were a cut above your average medical butchers -They ponied up wheelbarrows full of cash and signed on Concierge Doctors.

Hey -the rich are not stupid (spoiled -insecure and selfish) but definitely not stupid!

So - now that the chances of becoming a corpse or paralyzed after ingesting -say - a poisoned burger -or a pepper -or some lettuce that was picked by someone who just wiped his ass on his shirt -They are hiring food tasters.

Moishe Pipick -a wealthy orthodontist from Southhampton NY said: "We have an illegal named Maria who tastes everything me or my family eats -And - just last week she dropped like a fly after taking a bite of my wife's caviar with blini."

"What happened to her?" said Elise Mandelbaum -the digibandit health reporter.

"We called our concierge doctor and she was revived - but unfortunately she now has a hunchback!"

'Wow!" said Mandelbaum - But what do you think average folks can do?"

"Let em eat cake" -Replied Mrs.Antoinette Pinsky.

Nobel Gave Bush An International "Fuck You"

And when the most powerful nation on earth evolves from being run by a bible directed moron and his ideological cronies - to a competent and well balanced man with a powerful intellect - and a team of consummate professionals:

Hell yes! - That man is worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize.

The potential for human progress on a global scale has been elevated to an umprecedented degree - by the leadership style evidenced by President Obama - as compared to George W Bush.

The right wing doesn't get it -but when have they EVER been right about human progress

And the lefties are stuck as usual in a clarity numbing state of

murky misdirected idealism.

THIS is a great moment for everyone!

Thanks Alfred Nobel

Nagging Israeli Wives Push Settlement Expansion

"Abe -you good for nothing poor excuse for a Jewish husband!" - "You moved me and the kids out here in the middle of the desert -surrounded by angry goyim - in this poor excuse for a home - and you promised things would get better"

" Becky! But Becky! -you cried" -- "The land is cheap -we'll make a killing! -The goyim are morons! - For what do they need land? - It'll be ok. - You can have a nice garden and i'll build a swingset for the kinder"



"I told you then Abe -i can't live with you and four kids in a tiny place with one small bedroom and one bathroom -and no diniing area -and no laundry room" - "But - i listened to your pleading like a real schmuck."



" You promised - Becky Becky my darling - soon we'll expand - we'll make a killing! - I'll grow some nice lemons in the yard - and some cabbage for you to stuff - and the air is so clean"



"And Beckela -right over there where that bush is - that is where king David took a nice crap before he killed that giant goyim Goliath!"



"Beckela -my angel -this is the ancient homeland of the Jewish Prophets"



"Well now Abe! - I put up with this place for five years - with the goyim screaming and yelling -and the rotton plumbing - and the sandstorms and the rockets - and:



" Now i'm telling you - You build an addition on this house and put in a swimming poool - Or - me and the kids are going back to my parents in Tel Aviv -and i'm getting my cousin - the lawyer - Moishe Pipick to drain you dry with alimony and child support"



'You can stay out here with the goyim and the prophets - and you can shtupp the sheep!"



So -now you know why the settlement issue will NOT be solved any time soon - AND - why the Palestinians -whose wives only speak when spoken to - cannot grasp the depth of this problem.

Anna Nicole Smith Just Won't Go Away

Now that Anna is under renewed legal interest -- let's not forget my initial investigative report (below) of her exotic and mysterious death.

Anna Nicole Smith Did Not OD -- Death Caused By Her Huge Vibrator

Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.LA Examiner Dr.Sanjay Fakakta said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna had her last orgasm."

CSI investigative chief and a trained electrical engineer Hanran Voltar said;"Judging by the size of Anna's orgasm --we found her clitoris on a lawn in Brentwood which is three miles from the death scene -- the vibrator had to be extremely powerful, and it's motor which killed her, is commonly used in rocket propelled grenade launchers.

He went on -- "There were large holes burned into the mirror above her bed and from burn marks around her breasts, it is apparent that bolts of electricity shot out of her nipples and scorched the ceiling."

"Wow --you won't see that on CBS" -- said the Bandit celebrity reporter.

What Makes Hunter's Such Sick Fucks You Nobel Scientists?

The mastery of light through technology was the theme of this year’s Nobel Prize in Physics as the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences honored breakthroughs in fiber optics and digital photography.

Ok that's just great -hooray and woopedydoodaday! But -how about some of you geniuses figuring out why a guy (women don't do this) will go into the woods and try and kill a beautiful wild creature -and enjoy the living shit out of it.

Oh yeah -it's killing season again -and we all know this is NOT about hunting or needing the meat. -- It IS all about the enjoyment derived from - say - shooting an arrow into the belly of a brown Bear -and the pure enjoyment of knowing it was "YOU" who did the killing. -You sick fuck -YOU!

I mean -if you all can figure out how shit we can't even see can make the world a more efficient place - Then - why not focus a tad on whatever is going on in those sick fucking dudes' minds' who just love to maim and hurt and kill.

Who LOVE to play with guns and are totally mesmerized by the power they feel when they shoot and destroy something -anything. (even beer cans and signs and shit)

I mean -what the fuck is wrong with these pathetic fucking men?

Is it a sex thing? -A small cock thing? -some wire loose?

Come on already you Nobel Prize seekers -come up with somethin!

Imagine if we could just get rid of these fuckers in the womb!

Talaban Leader Does Stand-Up

SARAROGHA, Pakistan – Flanked by heavily armed fighters, the new leader of the Pakistani Taliban sat on a blue blanket, amiable and relaxed as he cracked jokes and mixed in threats of vengeance for deadly U.S. airstrikes.

One day later, a suicide bomber attacked a U.N. office in Islamabad.

Badda Boom! -laughs all around!

You know iv'e been wondering for some time now if any of these stone age Muslims have any sense of humor?

I mean - did you ever hear an Islamo fascist laugh or tell a joke?

Iv'e always believed that if we could tickle their funny bones in some way it might loosen things up a bit in the Middle East.

Maybe we could start with this new leader of the Talaban who seems to like a joke or two. - SO - let's put some of our best joke writers on the case and see if we can't get a dialogue going here.

"Hey Mufti! -my wife bent over to grab a fig and she farted so loud i thought it was a land mine" - "You should have seen her Burkah fly open - And it was smelling like a burning Hummer!" hahahahahahhahahhaha

"Oh Mufti - and speaking of Hummer - my wife can suck the chrome off a trailker hitch!" hahahahhahha

Oh well - you get my drift - i'll bet a guy like Larry David could have these folks peeing in their pants - And then we'd open Comedy Clubs - and who knows?

Osama might get an agent - a marriage made in heaven!