"Secret Service Are Pussy Hounds" says Obama

By Olivier Knox | The Ticket – 2 hrs 41 mins ago

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Click image to see more photos. (AFP/Alex Ogle)

President Barack Obama  has lost confidence in Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan in a widening scandal over agents fucking prostitutes on the margins of an international summit in Cartagena, Colombia, the White House said Tuesday.

The president made clear "he believes that men working under such intense pressure have extra large libidos and need to get laid regularly -especially when on dangerous Foreign assignments"  White House spokesman JayCarney said.

"If in fact it turns out that the president feels a special group of Hookers should be developed for the Secret Service Pussy Hounds" Carney said, echoing Obama's own comments in Colombia.

Asked whether the Secret Service scandal and the controversy over the General Services Administration's lavish party on the taxpayer dime in Las Vegas threatened to erode further Americans' trust in their government, Carney said "Obama knows what it's like to be very horny due to prolonged absences from home and intense work pressure and thinks that a Hooker Squad might help Congress alleviate some anxt and to work together more productively"

Obama was quoted as saying; "The average lawmaker up on the Hill would fuck a snake! -I wouldn't fuck some of the women they fuck with THEIR dicks!  -BUT - HEY -you gotta be realistick and satisfy The Pussy Hounds - If not - they will fuck the people!"

New Drug Cannot Restore Depressed fFemale Sex Drive.

Ever since Viagra met blockbuster success in 1998, the drug industry has sought a similar pill for women.

An image on the Boehringer Web site about depressed sexual desire.

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David Goldman/AP Images for Society for Women's Health Research

Dr. Laura Berman, left, a sex therapist, with Lisa Rinna.

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Now, a German drug giant says it has stumbled upon such a pill and is trying to persuade the Food and Drug Administrationthat its drug can help restore a depressed female sex drive. The effort has set off a debate over what constitutes a normal range of sexual desire among women, with critics saying the company is trying to turn a low libido into a medical pathology

Dr. Moishe Pipick, a psychologist and professor at New York University who has researched the topic of female sexual desire for more than a decade and plans to testify to the F.D.A. panel on Friday, said Boehringer had gone too far with its publicity effort.

“Women’s sex lives are often a struggle, a disappointment, an archipelago of regret,” he said. “Is there a small group of women who could benefit from medical intervention — probably.”

But he said that if the drug were approved, he worried that “the much larger group of women without any medical reason for their sexual distress -but who are married to fat ugly ignorant redneck men and devout Christians - will inevitably be misinformed and misled into thinking that there is a pill that can get them the sex life they read about, the one they think everyone else is having.”

Dr. Pipick went on:"While many experts say that unlike sexual dysfunction in men — which has an obvious physical component —sexual problems in women are much harder to diagnose. And among doctors and researchers, there is serious medical debate over whether female sexual problems are treatable with drugs. Some doctors advocate psychotherapy or counseling, while others have prescribed hormonal drugs approved for other uses."

Pipick stated: :There is also debate over how widespread hypoactive sexual desire disorder actually is among women. -But in my forty years of analyzing what i call "Frigid Women":

:The solution is for them to find a successful Jewish man and have some Chinese take out -and two or three martinis -and watch some porno -and eat some dark chocolate 

Google Fantasy Maturbation App Cuts Into Porno and Apple

Since the announcement(below) and subsequent sales of over $7 Billion Worldwide (bigger than the IPhone and Tablet combined) the National Association of Porno Retailers (NAPR) has reported an industry decline of 32% "Folks are just staying at home and getting off on their Masturbation Apps" said Myron Cohen NAPR President - AND  Dr Pipick the app creatorannounced: "Hey it's understandable - i had sex with three dwarfs and Cameron Diaz last night and never left my office couch and the orgasms were unbelievable!"

Google Announces Fantasy Masturbation App

Dr.Moishe Pipick -the mastermind of Google Apps and head of development for the recently established Google Division 'Google Sexual Stimulation Apps Worldwide' announced today at their headquarters in Berne,Switzerland:

"The Fantasy Masturbation App is going to become the hottest App in the industry! - It allows users to select from a menu of sexually stimulating visions which appear on the screen -with music from your personal library and provides the option for accompanying "Hot talk" personalized to your pre programmed input about what turns you on AND it has an orgasm button that activates the accompaniment of orgasmic cries at exactly the moment you desire"

Dr. Pipick went on; "The app is linked to Facebook and Twitter for easy sharing of the experience AND a special You Tube Google App Masturbation Channel will allow users to share the whole experience visually (Parental approval required for those under 9 years of age) -OH and of course the fantasy options menu will include homo's and every trans gender imagineable - (Options for Beastiality and Pedophile Priests are currently on hold and under review)"

"In conclusion" Pipick stated "And in these tough times horny folks of all ages will be able to stay right in their easy chair and have the time of their life - For under five bucks they can have a TOTALLY fulfilling sexual experience AND no bullshit pre coital chat AND it doesn't matter how fat and ugly and poor they are AND your App Date dissapears when you press "THE END" (unless you sign on for the post sex pillow talk option)"

Japanese Woman Gives Birth To Giant Crab

Shokei Matsanato had a rough delivery today giving birth to a ten pound Sea Crab!

Her Obstetrician Dr Moishe Pipick said: "The Claws were huge and kept getting tangled in her placenta"

Mr. Matsanato the proud Crab's father said: "Surely this is a sign of Global Warning and the Nuclear disaster BUT he is a very cute crab and we will love him like our other children."

The Matsanato's are distant cousins of the Woman who gave birth to a Giant Squid five years ago in a tiny seaside village in Shitzu 100 miles from Tokyo and biologists are looking for some genetic connection to the two births.

They have decided to name their baby Irving.

Study Shows Most American Kids Should be Outsourced to China or India

Dr. Moishe Pipick - Lead investigator for The National Commission on Parenting in America -- announced today:  "After five years of studying the methods and efficacy of parenting in the United States --we have concluded that our children would be much better off being raised in Foreign countries --especially China and India."

American children are not being raised like human children -- they are being raised like cattle being led to the slaughter. And without global competitive skills that's exactly what it will be --economic slaughter !

He continued: " Most parents have absolutely zero knowledge of their children's developmental needs and requirements -- God forbid they should read and study a little bit about what should be their number one priority --to give their kid's a shot at maximizing their potential ."

" Crappy and constant television (fifty hours per week) -- computer social networking -- violent video games -- shopping and stuffing their faces and celebrity worship ." He went on; "The parents act like jerks not parents -- minimal participation -- minimal deliberation and books are on the verge of distinction as is thoughtful interaction ."

Of course, he said; ''Many,primarily upper income and well educated parents are taking care of "business." -- their well educated and well directed and well connected kids will move right on up the ladders of prosperity and fulfillment. --and, sure, many struggling Parents are sacrificing to do the right thing for their kids,both spiritually and intellectually -- but they are in the minority. Just look at drop-out rates and national reading and math scores --it's horrifying -- how in the hell do the parents of these children think they will wind up in a globally competitive and highly specialized world economy. "

"We believe, based on this comprehensive study" he said;  "That the best solution is to take parenting responsibility away from these ignorant and uncaring and basically dysfunctional parents and 'Outsource' their parental supervision and guidance. -- You don't see many Chinese and Indian parents,even the poor ones, who don't take their child rearing responsibilities very seriously -- and it's not about money -- it's about developing character and intellect and a sense of worth and purpose -- they believe that the essential skill sets will flow from that kind of priority nurturing -- as they inevitably do!"

The study also showed that children raised in Jewish homes were the happiest and most likely to succeed, followed by rich Wasps. Most children raised in very religious Christian households ,along with poor Blacks and Hispanics  would be better off raised in Chinese or Indian families.

Virginia Tech Killer and Most NRA Members Have Tiny Penis'

Cho Seung Hui, the "Mad Gook Killer Of Virginia Tech," fit the physical profile of the average NRA member said Shitburg,Virginia County coroner Mel Dungy."This gook had a very small penis and women were known to say to him during sex" -- "Oh please --not your finger -- use your penis."

Moishe Pipick, head of psychiatry at the Einstein Institute for Sexual Disturbances said; This is what probably drove him to madness and i think all hunters and handgun owners should be given psychiatric tests; and those "Gunners" (as we refer to them clinically), with penis' under the average of three inches for NRA members should have a warning symbol tatood on their thumbs and scrotums.

For years psychiatrists and psychologists and cognitive neurologists have tried to understand how human males can enjoy destroying wildlife."Blasting away at beautiful creatures -- and enjoying the subsequent pain and destruction of sentient creatures for no absolute necessity, has always baffled us,"said Mathew Pinkowitz,national director of Research into Morons (or RIM).RIM has now conclusively documented that animal killers are driven to compensate for a lack of complete manhood.

He concluded,"Unfortunately, there are a high percentage of "Gunners" among members of congress -- even among the female members -- who our studies indicate have huge amounts of testosterone which results in very hairy pussies -- almost like tumbleweeds, and with huge holes!Hence they don't have normal sex lives --especially since they are attracted to other "Gunners" -- and the combo of small cocks and giant hairy pussies becomes deadly in psychiatric terms."

Founding Fathers Discuss Sarah Palin

 Just a reminder for ya all:

So - An esteemed group of our Founding Fathers - have been up there in the great Eternal Cosmic Consciousness watching Sarah Palin's political exploits and now they are having their monthly dinner get together -and tonight's subject of conversation is Ms. Palin:

John Adams "This woman is a complete fucking moron! -am i right Ben?"

Benjamin Franklin "Fucking scariest shit imaginable -you know how much i love Democracy but this is what happens when you let ALL the ignorant assholes participate"

George Washington " I hate to mix in politics guys -as you know -but this woman hasn't got a fucking clue - she doesn't say anything but generalities -she's like a Populist Parrot - and ALL those great women leaders out there to compare her to -can't those rednecks see through her ignorant rantings and raving?"

Alexander Hamilton "Wow -that's a mouth full from you George - But hey guys -they let EVERYONE participate in the system now -and we know full well that roughly thirty percent of the population are fucking idiots -they just follow whoever makes them feel good about their preconceived notions -a babble rabble of monumental moronic proportions."

James Monroe "I'm with you guys on this one - she's done nothing - she gets her guidance from a Stone Age scripture - never says anything of any depth or perception -never demonstrates knowledge of the complicated issues of the day -has no depth or intellectual fiber or curiosity -she truly IS a fucking jerk!"

John Hancock "It's scary all right -but the timing is perfect for a schmuck like her with the unemployment and the deficit and that fucking Tea Party rabble -and a black president -and a Republican Party on life support culturally.

Thomas Jefferson " Look -it's simple -If John McCain didn't lend his gravitas to her she'd be home in Wasilla fucking Eskimos and shooting wolves -and the rednecks would never have discovered her -AND - You know McCain must have been screwing her - and she can probably suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!"

John Adams "Well Thomas we don't agree on much but i think you nailed it right on the head -we all knew when women got the vote that pussy would enter politics -and some jerks like Palin would create a stir -but so far most of the female leaders have been dogs who had to make it with their brains and knowledge and creative energy."

Thomas Jefferson 'So right John -but i have to say that Nancy Pelosi has brains and all that positive stuff - but boy would i like to play with her bodacious ta ta's"

George Washington "Jefferson -we all know you would fuck a snake!"

Jefferson "Ha ha ha George -BUT -i wouldn't fuck Sarah Palin even with those legs -She's gotta be a smart snake!"

Those Founding Fathers sure were amazing!

NRA Seeks Approval For Home Rocket Launchers

NRA President David ( ambush dave) Keene has fired up (oops) his membership with the goal of getting congressional approval for private Rocket launcher ownership  -he said:

"We Gun Owners are empowered by the constitution to  form  armed militias BUT back during the Revolution you  only had to protect yourself from muzzle loading muskets and some cannon - BUT NOW - if some gang banger comes at us with an Uzi in an armor plated SUV -or The Government rolls in - or the Illegals or Jews throws armored vehicles against us:

"We need heavy firepower to protect our loved ones -AND I'm not asking for private air or naval neighborhood defenses (yet ha ha) BUT-We sure as shit need some Rocket Launchers! AND some mobile field artillery."

He concluded: "So let your pinko gun hating representatives know that they will face a tsunami of NRAPAC moola comin at em if they fuck with us on this one - and next year we are going forward with our plan to put a 50 caliber machine gun in every Church Tower in America with all white congregations."

"Stay alert!"

Fox Announces "Are Black Teenagers Smarter Than a Chink Three Year Old

Mike (the midget) Darnell head of Fox TV programming has announced a follow up show to it's hugely successful "Are You Smarter Than A Five Year Old?"

"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." 

Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."

He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child."

Dr Pipick concluded: "The only exception was among Jewish kids who are smarter than The Chinks and tied with Gooks and Dotheads"

Fox Anounces "Good Protestant Sluts" to Combat "GCB" on ABC

Well the different Christian Tribes are going after each other once again BUT this time instead of burning and looting and slaughtering each other by the hundreds of thousands in their villages they are doing it on a much larger cultural scale - attacking each other in the prime time television ratings - AND  what's next is anyone's guess but one things for sure:

It's great for the Jews and Muslims and ALL folks of color who will now get to laugh at CHRISTIAN stereotypes.

Rabbi Moishe Pipick leader of the World Jewish Council said today from his home in Jerusalem; "It's great to see the TV networks finally include the Goyim in their list of cultural caricatures that are fair game for satire and ironic comedy and it reflects the diminishing power of the Church to stifle free artistic expression regarding their phony - "holier than though" zeitgeist.

He went on: "lets face it -most of those holy rollers are just a bunch of  sexually repressed drunks."

Elise Mandelbaum  -Digibandit Hollywood Bureau Chief  -asked Rabbi Pipick; "Well - how would you like it if Fox announced "Good Jewish BallBreaking Wives"

 Dr. Pipick responded;  ""ha ha ha  - i only hope they leave off "Good" and make it "GREAT!"

"And that they audition my wife!"

What Do Fundamentalists Love?

Art and history?  -no!  -Science and Biology and Chemistry -huh?  - Music and Poetry? - Dance? Comedy? Satire?  -Literature? Philosophy?   -ALL NO!  - Sex??? alternative life styles? Gotta be kidding- all repugnant to these American Christian Koranic Bible Belters. The old as men Preacher/Mullah male narcissistic-my way or the highway - lifeless zestless narrow anti science anti nature brainwashed intolerant repressed repressive angry male dominated fascist mind smothering hypocritical eternity junkies way of -The Religious Zealots and their brainwashed intellectually challenged sheep flock followers

 They LOVE LOVE GUNS!  - love tribal conflict - love love Punishment -LOVE a vengeful and impotent God (their mirror image) - Hate illegals and blacks and queers and newcomers and the Devil hisself - Love to drink and be fat - love to be mean - and hate and or deny and condemn almost everything that makes a normal human being want to get out of bed on a rainy Monday morning.

But -there IS hope as Mullah Sanitorium and that left over ilke/remnant of America's past slowly dissolve into the ooze of political irrelevence.

Jesus Spends ANOTHER Easter with Anna Nicole Smith

Jesus who has not returned to heaven since his fling with Anna Nicole Smith,after her death from electrical shock due to a short in her powerful vibrator; and who has been seen partying with a variety of hot chicks,both dead and alive -- has decided to ignore his Father's demands to return to Heaven on the anniversary of his resurrection.

Jesus said,"I'm more interested in erection than resurrection right now!" He was overheard talking with a bartender in Malibu; " I was cooped up with God for so long without any pussy that i just went nuts -- when Anna died i decided to jump her,and now all i can think about is making up for lost time -- the simple truth is that Jesus is a party animal!"

"I plan on spending Easter with Anna and Marilyn Monroe and maybe Angie Dickinson and maybe Paris Hilton --the great thing about being Jesus is that i get to fuck all the pussy i want --dead or alive."

He concluded,"Anyway ,it's gonna be a great Easter -- as Anna always says -- "Jesus, you give new meaning to bringing back the dead ." -- And as for my Father -- if he didn't hog all the pussy for himself and his disciples -- i wouldn't have turned into a wild cunt man."

NRA Calls For Arming White Students Only

Facing increased pressure for tougher gun control laws in the United States following the recent spates of slaughter ; David Keene -- President of the National Rifle Association said today,"If those (white only) students had been armed those creeps might have got off one or two rounds before they were blasted to Hell!"

He continued;"Every High School and College classroom should have a white student monitor with an automatic weapon -- white teachers should have twelve gauge shotguns loaded with buckshot at the ready:and all white students should be carrying a nine millimeter Glock with an extended clip of ammo."

Also he said; "There should be a flame thrower -- a fifty caliber machine gun and fragmentation grenades stored on every floor in case of a major assault -- just to hold em off until the troops arrive."

"Every school should have a practice firing range and all non white students should be strip searched before entering the school grounds." said the President of the most powerful gun lobby in the world.

Romney and Sanitorium,both strong supporters of the NRA, endorsed their proposals with the exception that blacks and hispanics could carry knives -- but no weapons for Asians or Moslems or Jews would be allowed. (retarded white kids and white dwarfs would be considered on an individual basis).

And what would you expect from an organization that traces it's roots to the Klu Klux Clan?

Fox Unreal TV Launches With Six Killer Series

New original series from new "Fox Unreal TV Channel":

• : Christians Gone Bad serves up stories of former devoted Fundamentalists who become Hasidic Jews and kill and torture Altar boys.
• 'Til Death Do Polacks Part explores stories of  Polish divorce that end in murder led by psychotherapist and relationship expert, Dr. Hanns  Chryszxlmnsnsky and forensic psychologist and attorney, Dr.Igor Moronowsky .
• Wives With Knives showcases stories of women who fought back and cut of the dicks and balls of their husbands - motivated by years of abuse or by greed and jealousy.
• Pretty Bad Amish Girls is a true-crime series profiling sexy female Amish woman who cheat, steal and kill and have sex with barn animals.
• Cold Venereal Disease Cases  delves into unsolved homicide cases caused by venereal disease as they are reopened.
• Dangerous Hasidick Jews (wt) relates true tales of religious Jews who were manipulated into committing horrible sex crimes by shiksas.
• Who The Fuck Is That...  is a spin-off of the network's series Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?  with this new series going deeper into relationships between friends, co-workers, family members and more telling the truth about people leading double lives and killing and eating their neighbors and children.
• Homo Murder In Paradise  follows the stories of happy homo couples whose vacations in paradise end in violence and then Homo lynchings by the locals. 

Oprah offers new Game Show 'Are You Totally FUpp America"

ARE YOU Totally F Upped, AMERICA? From Harpo Studios comes the new game show “Are You Fucked Up, America?,” hosted by veteran TV producer Barry Poznick (“Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader”) and comedienne/actress Kim Coles (“Living Single”).  

Have you ever peeked at your boyfriend’s emails? Or done your household chores naked? Do you and your spouse sleep in separate bedrooms? Do you fart when you reach orgasm?Do you talk to your Dildo? Do you fantasize about sex with your Dog? Do you hate your husband's Dick shape?  Do you hate your wife's bushy bush? Is oral sex standing up your thing? Is anal sex preferrable to primary hole entry?

This lively game show will answer burning questions by using a highly scientific and deeply revealing poll, in addition to a “jury” of real Americans, man-on-the-street polling, real life situations shot in the field, and in-studio demonstrations.  Each episode will feature contestants who will win big money in their quest to learn if they’re fucked up or not.  Produced by Harpo Studios with Zoo Productions. Executive producers are Jill Van Lokeren and Jon Sinclair from Harpo Studios, as well as Barry Poznick and John Stevens from Zoo Productions (producers of “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” and his latest production:

"Is a Black Teenager Smarter Than an African Grey Parrot?" -Coming soon from Fox Tv.

Top 100 Celebrities Who Will Have Oral and/or Anal Sex on Easter

1. Tom Cruise
2. Rolling Stones
3. Oprah Winfrey
4. U2
5. Tiger Woods
6. Steven Spielberg
7. Howard Stern
8. 50 Cent
9. Cast of The Sopranos
10. Dan Brown
11. Bruce Springsteen
12. Donald Trump
13. Muhammad Ali
14. Paul McCartney
15. George Lucas
16. Elton John
17. David Letterman
18. Phil Mickelson
19. J.K. Rowling
20. Brad Pitt
21. Peter Jackson
22. Dr. Phil McGraw
23. Jay Leno
24. Celine Dion
25. Kobe Bryant
26. Michael Jordan
27. Johnny Depp
28. Jerry Seinfeld
29. Simon Cowell
30. Michael Schumacher
31. Tom Hanks
32. Rush Limbaugh
33. Denzel Washington
34. Cast of Desperate
Housewives
35. Jennifer Aniston
35. Angelina Jolie
37. The Olsen Twins
38. Nicole Kidman
39. The Eagles
40. Rod Stewart
41. Shaquille O'Neal
42. Jerry Bruckheimer
43. David Beckham
44. Jessica Simpson
45. Andrew Lloyd Webber
46. LeBron James
47. Neil Diamond
48. Alex Rodriguez
49. Will Smith
50. Dick Wolf
51. Dave Matthews Band
52. Tom Brady
53. Ronaldinho
54. Jodie Foster
55. Ray Romano
56. Paris Hilton
57. Adam Sandler
58. Derek Jeter
59. Jennifer Lopez
60. Rick Warren
61. Scarlett Johansson
62. Katie Couric
63. Maria Sharapova
64. Valentino Rossi
65. Halle Berry
66. James Patterson
67. Leonardo DiCaprio
68. Kiefer Sutherland
69. Jim Carrey
70. Cameron Diaz
71. Gisele Bundchen
72. Renee Zellweger
73. Carson Palmer
74. Michelle Wie
75. Reese Witherspoon
76. Bill O'Reilly
77. Kate Moss
78. Diane Sawyer
79. Sean (Diddy) Combs
80. John Grisham
81. Rachael Ray
82. Dave Chappelle
83. Larry the Cable Guy
84. Tyra Banks
85. George Lopez
86. Regis Philbin
87. Serena Williams
88. Ryan Seacrest
89. Wolfgang Puck
90. Venus Williams
91. Annika Sorenstam
92. Matthew Broderick/
Nathan Lane
93. Mel Brooks
94. Emeril Lagasse
95. Nicole Richie
96. Heidi Klum
97. Mario Batali
98. Eric Idle/
Mike Nichols
99. Adriana Lima
100. Ty Pennington

DC Cop Could Now Look Up Clarence Thomas' AssHole

According to opinions in the lower courts, people may be strip-searched after arrests for violating a leash law, driving without a license and failing to pay child support. Citing examples from briefs submitted to the Supreme Court in opposition, Justice Breyer wrote that people have been subjected to “the humiliation of a visual strip-search” after being arrested for driving with a noisy muffler, failing to use a turn signal and riding a bicycle without an audible bell.

A nun was strip-searched, he wrote, after an arrest for trespassing during an antiwar demonstration.  AND NOW with it's ruling yesterday:

Supreme Court Ruling Allows Strip-Searches for Any Arrest

By ADAM LIPTAK

Published: April 2, 2012

• 

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Courton Monday ruled by a 5-to-4 vote that officials may strip-search people arrested for any offense, however minor, before admitting them to jails even if the officials have no reason to suspect the presence of contraband.

  SOOOOOOO  NOW   -  If Justice Thomas is pulled over for a say -  failing to signal - some guard in The DC Jail will be saying to the biggest asshole who ever sat on The Supreme Court "Now move your balls to the right so i can see up your black asshole mfuckah"

And THAT is what i call JUSTICE!

Israeli's Develop Shit Seeking Missile to Target Stinking Muslim Extremists

The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror. "

General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .

"Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance -- if i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."

Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."

President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That,s Democracy!"

Seniors -Unemployed and prisoners Required to Generate Energy

A new energy proposal initiated by Republicans and included in the latest "Ryan" Budget just approved in the House  --  would require all senior citizens on medicare  - all people on medicaide or on welfare or unemployment insurance - and all federal prisoners - to generate electricity by pedaling on stationery bikes or walking on tread mills which would be installed by Haliburton.

"The energy produced will help to replace our dependence on foreign oil -- it will be environmental friendly -- it will be cost efficient (no labor costs) and it will improve the health of folks who are adding heavily to our rising medical costs and who contribute very little to Society in general." said Newt Gingrich.

The next phase of this plan would be the installation of "electricity sensitive carpeting" in nursing homes where the elderly could Shuffle along and generate static elecricity (Zap) in cases where excercize bikes or treadmills are not practical or for use by people not strong enough to bycycle or walk fast enough.

President Obama called the plan "shocking".

Southern Anthem "Dixie" to become "Dickhead" and "Dicksy"

Dixie” was the South’s anthem, and will most likely remain so for generations.  -There is a movement in The US Senate to rename it "Dicksy" or "Dickhead" which would be more appropriate to the fucking rednecks still living there and holding up social progress as usual.  -Sing along and see if you like the changes:

I Wish I was in de land ob cotton,
Old times dar am not forgotten
Look away! look away! look away! Dicksy Land.
In  Dickhead Land whar I was born in,
Early on one frosty mornin’,
Look away! look away! look away! Dickhead Land.

Den I wish I was in Dicksy,
Hooray! hooray!
In Dickhead Land I’ll take my stand,
To lib and die in Dicksy,
Away, away, away down south in Dicksy,
Away, away, away down south in Dickhead Land.

quite an improvement dontcha think

" Black Gun" Owners Have Penile Dysfunction

Heard about the latest fad among the sickest people in America -- " The Gun Worshipers." --- It's "black guns."

These killing machines are the weapon of choice of drug traffickers, violent youth gangs and the seriously deranged bent on revenge through mass murder,” Senator Charles E. Schumer, then a House member from New York who was one of the champions of a bill to regulate them.He said in April 1994. “They have no place in our society.”

Demand for black rifles, meanwhile, began to grow. A new generation of hunters, many of whom had fired M-16s in the military, adopted them for shooting predators on rural property and stalking small game. The .223-caliber ammunition they used was inexpensive and easily found. The guns began to get a reputation for being durable despite their light weight; they also loaded automatically (unlike bolt-action hunting rifles) and their recoil was gentle enough for even novice shooters and children to withstand. Once the AR-15 was deemed accurate enough for use in high-powered rifle competitions, it soon became standard issue for target shooters.

“These guns are everywhere,” Ted Nugent, the ex rock star and hunter/ gun fanatick who explained excitedly in a recent phone interview. “I personally don’t know anybody who doesn’t have two in his truck.”

Ted's girlfriend Myra Womper said, "Ted can't get it up, and when he occasionally does,you need reading glasses to see it."

These maniacs favorite read is "Outdoor Magazine". -- It should be called "Outdoor Slaughter."

"Studsy The Queer Bull" First Animated Film for Gay Children

Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks announced; “We are in production on the first gay themed animated film for gay Children !" 'Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a MALE Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is a humanoid version of Studsy

He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”

Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull corn holing every asshole in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one. -- At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”

They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art. And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero

Don't Want To Pay For health care - See a Fucking Witch Doctor

While all the morons are rallying agains against requiring folks to at least chip in a little in paying for their freeby health care -which we other folks have to pay for - just remember:


"Justice Department lawyers responded that a choice not to obtain health insurance was itself an active decision that, taken in the aggregate, shifted the cost of caring for the uninsured to hospitals, governments and privately insured individuals." NY Times today

So it's simple! -You break a leg or get the flu?

Go to a fucking witch doctor! -UNLESS -you can prove you have No assets -and that includes Cable TV and any brand of premium toilet paper and oh cigarettes?

Kiss my ass! -Why should we responsible folks ante up when you won't even contribute the token amount essential to support a Health Care system that works for needy kids and poor old folks. - et al.

Santorum's Moral Conservatism Comes From Farts - Study Shows

Researchers found that interviewees on Stanford’s campus offered harsher, more moralistic views after “fart spray” had been released in the area.

At Cornell University, students answered questions in more conservative ways when they were simply near a hand sanitizer station.

How, and for whom, does disgust influence moral judgment? In 4 experiments participants made moral judgments while experiencing extraneous feelings of disgust. Disgust was induced in Experiment 1 by exposure to a bad smell, in Experiment 2 by working in a disgusting room, in Experiment 3 by recalling a physically disgusting experience, and in Experiment 4 through a video induction. In each case, the results showed that disgust can increase the severity of moral judgments relative to controls. Experiment 4 found that disgust had a different effect on moral judgment than did sadness. In addition, Experiments 2-4 showed that the role of disgust in severity of moral judgments depends on participants’ sensitivity to their own bodily sensations. Taken together, these data indicate the importance - and specificity - of gut feelings in moral judgments.

Google Announces Catholic Confession App

Catholic sinners have finally achieved multi plat status with sinners  directly connected from their cell phones and tablets et all directly to Catholic Priests who will hear their confessions and proscribe remedial action to mitigate the sins.

"It will be just like you went into a Church ENHANCED with production video and spiritually elevating Gospel music in a transcendental format geared to the sinners communication vehicle."said Father Konfessor which is the generic name for the App and the anonymous Priests themselves.

Their will be options to go live onto Twitter and Facebook and Blogger with the whole confession and/or the Priests proclamations. (and the ability to add video demonstrating the actual sins)

There will be voting input from all social internet sources and You Tube about the best 'Sinner Videos" and live chat emails with the Priests and additional voting on what the admonitions should be for the sinners ie Mary has confessed to teasing boys by wearing no underwear and the Priest is directed to recommend"Ok Mary - ten Hail Mary"s AND ten CARTWHEELS!" (  so there will be humor involved)

The Pope speaking from the Vatican said  "This hasa my totola blessing and should bringa a lota more kidsa to confession -hey a littla fooling arounda is hokay in todays world as long asa it's nota dirty and their is no fucking or masturbato or Homo stuffa involved"

amena

The Digibandit: Queer Confessions Unacceptable says Pope

The Digibandit: Queer Confessions Unacceptable says Pope: In an amazing revelation from His Eminence in the Vatican today; The Pope asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, ...