Dr, Sergio Libowitz - a Swedish neurologist - has developed a way to estimate how many times a woman has had a penis pass between her lips, by analyzing a photograph of her face.
Speaking from his mountaintop laboratory in Zermatt today , during a world conference meeting of lip surgeons - he stated:
"Using a combination of electron laser spectography and bio-molecular resonance screenings of a digital facial picture- i can detect -within a five percent margin of error how many times a cock has passed between the lips of a woman -and soon i will be able to extend my findings to men."
He continued: " I will be establishing a world wide data base and will publish the results as they apply to world leaders and celebrities and political candidates on our web sight - cocksuckers.com"
"I started with Hannah Montana because i was so concerned about the impact of those Vanity Fair pictures on my three tween daughters - and sure enough - she is one major dick diver!"
Finally he said;"The social -political and moral implications of my research are fantastic."
"Oh - the first male screening result will be the Pope - stay tuned."
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Hillary Would Make A Great "M" In The Next "James Bond" Movie
Yep -it's too bad that dame Judith Densch has the role all locked up (she's also terrific) - because Hillary would be a natural as the the tough as nails chief of British intelligence.
And in pondring upon this casting concept it became apparent to me how deficient Obama would be in the role of James Bond.
Actually - i would cast him as a black Pewee Herman or maybe Mr. Bean.(although he could play a young black version of that old guy who supplies Bond with all his cool weaponry) - Whatsis name?
Ah -and therein lies his BIG problema -he's running against "M" - and if he survives THAT ordeal, he has to face an aging "Bond" in the general election.
And you know Pewee Herman is no match for James Bond - even an old James Bond.
"I'll have a root beer -shaken but not stirred " - Nope -- just doesn't work!
And in pondring upon this casting concept it became apparent to me how deficient Obama would be in the role of James Bond.
Actually - i would cast him as a black Pewee Herman or maybe Mr. Bean.(although he could play a young black version of that old guy who supplies Bond with all his cool weaponry) - Whatsis name?
Ah -and therein lies his BIG problema -he's running against "M" - and if he survives THAT ordeal, he has to face an aging "Bond" in the general election.
And you know Pewee Herman is no match for James Bond - even an old James Bond.
"I'll have a root beer -shaken but not stirred " - Nope -- just doesn't work!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Israels Develop Shit Seeking Missile - Targets Muslim Extremists Assholes
The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror."
General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .
"Well anyway", he continued, "Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance."
"If i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."
Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away, but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas(ass) Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."
"President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That's Democracy!"
General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .
"Well anyway", he continued, "Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance."
"If i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."
Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away, but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas(ass) Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."
"President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That's Democracy!"
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
US Should Sell It's Criminals To Foreign Countries
Ny Times Today:
The United States has, for instance, 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.
Well --not only should the USA establish a "Criminal Military Corp" as reported in yesterdays blog - but since we will have so many criminals left over (unfit for combat) -- let's just sell them:
"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"
He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."
"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."
He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!
The United States has, for instance, 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.
Well --not only should the USA establish a "Criminal Military Corp" as reported in yesterdays blog - but since we will have so many criminals left over (unfit for combat) -- let's just sell them:
"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"
He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."
"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."
He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
US Military Should Create "Violent Criminal Corp" From US Inmates
"Strained by the demands of a long war, the Army and the Marine Corps recruited significantly more felons into their ranks in 2007 than in 2006, including people convicted of armed robbery, arson and burglary, according to data released Monday by a House committee." NY Times today.
Well - that's a step in the right direction!
Now - let's take every misfit and goon and drug dealer and rapist and killer out of our jails where we are paying fifty thousand dollars a year to wharehouse them - and put them all in uniform.
The "Criminal Corp" led by a tough semi-psycho General (think Lee Marvin in the movie "The Dirty Dozen") should have it's first combat duty in Sadr City, and believe you me - when Moktar Schmuktar (or whatever his name is) gets a load of these fucking REAL American animals in action - they will fold their tents in a hurry!
Let's save our nice young marines and Infantry for mopping up missions after the "Criminal Corp," - And these one of a kind - original American wacko/criminals don't need any training - they are tough and cruel and smart -and we just assign the prison gang leaders to become their officers - and they are ready to rumble.
And no pay required -just let them pillage and plunder like the pirates of yore - they will turn the 'Surge" into a "Purge" - and those blood sucking incompetent and corrupt Iraqui politicos will be dying to make some progress, just to get the "Criminal Corps" out of Dodge - and then we can send the 'Corp" to visit Afghanistan for some r&r.
Oh -and all the white collar criminals - you know -the Enron types, -They will join the "Criminal Corp" as support personell - as clerks and cooks and logistics and in planning and intelligence. (and also serve as "Bitches" for the troops).
That oughta cut down on the Wall Street shenanigans - dontcha think?
Well - that's a step in the right direction!
Now - let's take every misfit and goon and drug dealer and rapist and killer out of our jails where we are paying fifty thousand dollars a year to wharehouse them - and put them all in uniform.
The "Criminal Corp" led by a tough semi-psycho General (think Lee Marvin in the movie "The Dirty Dozen") should have it's first combat duty in Sadr City, and believe you me - when Moktar Schmuktar (or whatever his name is) gets a load of these fucking REAL American animals in action - they will fold their tents in a hurry!
Let's save our nice young marines and Infantry for mopping up missions after the "Criminal Corp," - And these one of a kind - original American wacko/criminals don't need any training - they are tough and cruel and smart -and we just assign the prison gang leaders to become their officers - and they are ready to rumble.
And no pay required -just let them pillage and plunder like the pirates of yore - they will turn the 'Surge" into a "Purge" - and those blood sucking incompetent and corrupt Iraqui politicos will be dying to make some progress, just to get the "Criminal Corps" out of Dodge - and then we can send the 'Corp" to visit Afghanistan for some r&r.
Oh -and all the white collar criminals - you know -the Enron types, -They will join the "Criminal Corp" as support personell - as clerks and cooks and logistics and in planning and intelligence. (and also serve as "Bitches" for the troops).
That oughta cut down on the Wall Street shenanigans - dontcha think?
Friday, April 18, 2008
Best Torture Method Against Muslims - American Wife Nagging
Muslims treat their women like dogs! - As a result they have NO idea how viscious a nagging wife can be -especially a good old fashioned average "American Nagging Wife"(i don't include girlfriend nagging (just as viscious) because Muslims don't have girlfriends - that would imply courtship and options for the women)
You put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."
Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:
"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been =I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......." Yu know the drill.
You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less?
Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -if a Muslim woman were to say even; "Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andd that would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children.
How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......"
At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.
C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right!
You put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."
Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:
"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been =I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......." Yu know the drill.
You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less?
Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -if a Muslim woman were to say even; "Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andd that would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children.
How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......"
At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.
C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
A Simple Lie Detector Test For All Priests - OK Pope Benedick?
It's so simple -EVERY priest (including the Pope) and every applicant for the Clergy gets wired up and asked these questions:
Are you a homo?
Do you get excited thinking about a young man's asshole?
Have you ever tongue kissed a male?
Do you think Paris Hilton licking your balls is exciting?
If leonardo De Caprio grabbed your cock would you be thrilled?
If Cameron Diaz crawled into your bed and put her thumb in your prostate would it be exciting?
Would you suck the Pope's dick if he asked you?
Do you think God is a homo?
Simple as pie - if you pass this test we know our kids ain't gonna get the high hard one from a Homo Priest.
Your Welcome
Are you a homo?
Do you get excited thinking about a young man's asshole?
Have you ever tongue kissed a male?
Do you think Paris Hilton licking your balls is exciting?
If leonardo De Caprio grabbed your cock would you be thrilled?
If Cameron Diaz crawled into your bed and put her thumb in your prostate would it be exciting?
Would you suck the Pope's dick if he asked you?
Do you think God is a homo?
Simple as pie - if you pass this test we know our kids ain't gonna get the high hard one from a Homo Priest.
Your Welcome
Fallout In Redneck America -- From Obama Statements
"Now hold the rifle tight against your shoulder and slowly squeeze the trigger." says Mervin (hamhock) Schwimmer of Aliquippa Pennsylvania to his six year old son Christian."
"But Poppa, why would we want to kill a beautiful animal?"
"Because it's our natural instinct to kill - we need to kill -guns are powerful - and we can get close as father and son - just like me and grandpa"
"Bu But -i don't want to kill a beautiful animal - couldn't you just read me a book or walk and camp out in the beaufiful forest?" Christian added; "And we all hate Grandpa cause he's always drunk and mean to everyone."
"Now you listen -you little faggot - you WILL learn how to shoot and kill!
What you gonna do if a Jew or Nigger comes aroun? Or a wetback comes aroun lookin for work? --You gonna read him a fucking poem."
"But Poppa", says Christian with tears in his eyes - "I don't know why you want to kill animals and why you hate folks you ain't never met -is it because you are bitter about your job and healthcare and all that economy stuff - like that Obama feller talked about?"
BAM! - "OW Poppa!" -- "Take that you nigger lovin little faggot -I know your Momma put them ideas in your fruit head -and when we get back home you both gonna get the lickin of your lives - and then we all gonna go to Church and pray for your souls."
"And - see that rabbit over there munchin on a leaf/ - start bangin away - and you better not miss on purpose or you'll spend the weekend with Grandpa"
BAM BAM BAM BAM
"But Poppa, why would we want to kill a beautiful animal?"
"Because it's our natural instinct to kill - we need to kill -guns are powerful - and we can get close as father and son - just like me and grandpa"
"Bu But -i don't want to kill a beautiful animal - couldn't you just read me a book or walk and camp out in the beaufiful forest?" Christian added; "And we all hate Grandpa cause he's always drunk and mean to everyone."
"Now you listen -you little faggot - you WILL learn how to shoot and kill!
What you gonna do if a Jew or Nigger comes aroun? Or a wetback comes aroun lookin for work? --You gonna read him a fucking poem."
"But Poppa", says Christian with tears in his eyes - "I don't know why you want to kill animals and why you hate folks you ain't never met -is it because you are bitter about your job and healthcare and all that economy stuff - like that Obama feller talked about?"
BAM! - "OW Poppa!" -- "Take that you nigger lovin little faggot -I know your Momma put them ideas in your fruit head -and when we get back home you both gonna get the lickin of your lives - and then we all gonna go to Church and pray for your souls."
"And - see that rabbit over there munchin on a leaf/ - start bangin away - and you better not miss on purpose or you'll spend the weekend with Grandpa"
BAM BAM BAM BAM
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
What Obama Should Have Said
Instead of this:
“It’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or antitrade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”
What he should have said was:
"These ignorant fucking white trash rednecks are too busy cleaning their guns and beating up on their wives and kids and gettiing drunk with their good Christian nigger/spic/jew hating buddies - to care about tolerance and kindness and meaningful hopeand change - progress or brotherhood."
"Furthermore - I don't expect or want your ignorant white trash vote -and if I'm elected President - you can all suck my big black dick in Macy's window!"
"Any questions?
“It’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or antitrade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”
What he should have said was:
"These ignorant fucking white trash rednecks are too busy cleaning their guns and beating up on their wives and kids and gettiing drunk with their good Christian nigger/spic/jew hating buddies - to care about tolerance and kindness and meaningful hopeand change - progress or brotherhood."
"Furthermore - I don't expect or want your ignorant white trash vote -and if I'm elected President - you can all suck my big black dick in Macy's window!"
"Any questions?
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Welcome Pope Benedick -You Masturbating Hypocrite
In honor of the Pope's visit to America - here's a repeat of a past bandidt exclusive which received wide international acclaim (we were hoping for a Pulitzer - but alas):
Exclusive -- In a display of hypocrisy rare even for the leader of the Catholic Church, The Pope, shortly after announcing that; "People who fornicate with condoms or practice rhythm or masturbate or "pullout" (withdrawing the penis and ejaculating outsida the vagina) --are Sinners and will be denied God's grace." -- was caught hiding in a Vatican confessional chamber where he was jerking off!
Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!"
They opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Popa Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.
The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Bugs Bunny" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Kike or Negro or Protestant or Gypsy."
He continued, "And we'll see how well those two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan."
That comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community.
The digibandit Vatican reporter Sherl Momsavitch was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?"
We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Vulgar Satire."
Welcome to Americ
Exclusive -- In a display of hypocrisy rare even for the leader of the Catholic Church, The Pope, shortly after announcing that; "People who fornicate with condoms or practice rhythm or masturbate or "pullout" (withdrawing the penis and ejaculating outsida the vagina) --are Sinners and will be denied God's grace." -- was caught hiding in a Vatican confessional chamber where he was jerking off!
Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!"
They opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Popa Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.
The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Bugs Bunny" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Kike or Negro or Protestant or Gypsy."
He continued, "And we'll see how well those two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan."
That comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community.
The digibandit Vatican reporter Sherl Momsavitch was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?"
We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Vulgar Satire."
Welcome to Americ
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Katie Couric will Kill To Boost Ratings - Animated News Anchors In Offing
NBC: 8.27 million total viewers and 2.1/8 A25-54ABC: 7.98 million total viewers and 2.1/8 A25-54CBS: 5.94 million total viewers and 1.5/6 A25-54
What a disaster!
If Les Moonvies is shtupping her she has to be the most expensive piece of ass in history.
katie has announced that she will go to Anbar province with a news crew and a cadre of ex Navy Seals, with the objective of personally killing a terrorist on camera.
Les said today at a news conferencwe in Hollywood; "If this doesn't work we may have to bite the bullet on her 20 million dollar contract - which i will pay out of my own money."
"And we are seriosly considering going with animated hosts" (and maybe even animated correspondents)
It was just a matter of time!
What a disaster!
If Les Moonvies is shtupping her she has to be the most expensive piece of ass in history.
katie has announced that she will go to Anbar province with a news crew and a cadre of ex Navy Seals, with the objective of personally killing a terrorist on camera.
Les said today at a news conferencwe in Hollywood; "If this doesn't work we may have to bite the bullet on her 20 million dollar contract - which i will pay out of my own money."
"And we are seriosly considering going with animated hosts" (and maybe even animated correspondents)
It was just a matter of time!
Monday, April 07, 2008
Fox and ABC Announce - "Dancing With Disabilities"
With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced this joint production with Fox Television: -- " It's a natural spin-off (pun)when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."
"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles."
Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance numbers, she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."
"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."
"Any others?", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!"
"And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- one dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"
No host has ben announced but the bandit has heard they are talking with Muhammad Ali (who would also dance)
"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles."
Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance numbers, she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."
"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."
"Any others?", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!"
"And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- one dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"
No host has ben announced but the bandit has heard they are talking with Muhammad Ali (who would also dance)
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Obama Proves He Has Big Enough Balls To be President
Oh yeah! -Count me in! - I'm switching to the Obama camp!
Why? - Because it took more courage to tell his cunty wife to keep her yap shut and get lost from the campaign spotlight,than will be required for confronting any conceivable existential threat to the united States during his presidency.
I mean - telling Vladimir Putin and the Chinks to get fucked will be a piece of cake next to putting a lid on Michelle Obama!
I'll bet that sleeping with a king cobra would be more fun than what goes on in the Obama bedroom since he had to shut her face about dissing the good ole USA on the campaign trail last month; and i sure hope he has a strong fantasy quotient and an abundant supply of Club magazines to get him through the campaign without any pussy.
Let's just pray that the New York Times doesn't get a call from some reincarnation of that beast Linda Tripp - with some valid info about Obama humping a hot campaign worker (or two).
Personally i hope he's fucking every hottie on his staff - and if America's FIRST black president can get away wit it - why couldn't Obama?
Anyway -- the Bandit is proud to endorse Obama! - and Michelle - here's some good advice - take that sock out of your mouth and put a great future President's cock in it.
Why? - Because it took more courage to tell his cunty wife to keep her yap shut and get lost from the campaign spotlight,than will be required for confronting any conceivable existential threat to the united States during his presidency.
I mean - telling Vladimir Putin and the Chinks to get fucked will be a piece of cake next to putting a lid on Michelle Obama!
I'll bet that sleeping with a king cobra would be more fun than what goes on in the Obama bedroom since he had to shut her face about dissing the good ole USA on the campaign trail last month; and i sure hope he has a strong fantasy quotient and an abundant supply of Club magazines to get him through the campaign without any pussy.
Let's just pray that the New York Times doesn't get a call from some reincarnation of that beast Linda Tripp - with some valid info about Obama humping a hot campaign worker (or two).
Personally i hope he's fucking every hottie on his staff - and if America's FIRST black president can get away wit it - why couldn't Obama?
Anyway -- the Bandit is proud to endorse Obama! - and Michelle - here's some good advice - take that sock out of your mouth and put a great future President's cock in it.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Jesus Christ Should Have Been Aborted -- Not Crucified
And there would be about three hundred million happy indiginous people playing with their children in the sun today instead of having been tortured and butchered by missionaries of the Church spreading the Gospel in the name of JesusChrist.
And if you add up all the men women and children who died screaming in agony due to the pious and righteous and ignorant human animals who maimed and slaughtered in the name of their one and only- absolutely true God, and his son - well, Jesus Christ - you have the spiritual equivalent of the bubonic plague on steroids.
And the Church helped manage and manipulate and exploit this slaughter in the name of a peaceful and loving preacher who came bearing a revolutionary message of hope and salvation.
And this is what happens EVERY time the Priests get to call the shots! Judges with ONE law book written by a God who only they understand and who they represent exclusively. You sign on or you get burned at the stake! ( oh -and if your'e a hot innocent altar boy you get fucked in the ass for fun)
Happy Easter
(and try living with the questions for a change)
And if you add up all the men women and children who died screaming in agony due to the pious and righteous and ignorant human animals who maimed and slaughtered in the name of their one and only- absolutely true God, and his son - well, Jesus Christ - you have the spiritual equivalent of the bubonic plague on steroids.
And the Church helped manage and manipulate and exploit this slaughter in the name of a peaceful and loving preacher who came bearing a revolutionary message of hope and salvation.
And this is what happens EVERY time the Priests get to call the shots! Judges with ONE law book written by a God who only they understand and who they represent exclusively. You sign on or you get burned at the stake! ( oh -and if your'e a hot innocent altar boy you get fucked in the ass for fun)
Happy Easter
(and try living with the questions for a change)
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
NOTHING Beats A High Priced Hooker - Spitzer Rules
The most sexual and gorgeous woman you have ever dreamed about arrives at your home -- she performs sex acts that will make your wife or girl friend forever seem like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh - and here's the best part:
SHE LEAVES!
So - let's get real about all this flap with Eliot Spitzer - it doesn't mean a fucking thing except he had the desire and the money and an ugly nagging wife.
SHE LEAVES!
So - let's get real about all this flap with Eliot Spitzer - it doesn't mean a fucking thing except he had the desire and the money and an ugly nagging wife.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Hillary Clinton Should Air THIS Commercial
Hillary is sitting in her sun garden at her home in Chappaqua,N.Y and as she looks dreamily out the window we hear her voice.
"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment.
She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues." But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"
She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..
"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!"
I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.
Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates
"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment.
She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues." But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"
She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..
"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!"
I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.
Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Obama's Position On Iraq War Vote Proved That He's A Pussy
NO responsible person should have denied authorization for the president to attack Iraq because:
Saddam could certainly have possessed WMD - - past evidence of stockpiles was established - and he never came clean and opened up to full inspections.
He was an established pathological nut case who had used poison gas on the Kurds - had recently invaded Kuwait and reaped untold havoc on it's people and the environment and then repeatedly violated his surrender agreements.
Saddam hated America and had enormous resources with which to enable world terrorism at a time when the Twin Towers were still smoking.
He ran Iraq like Caligula - there was no way we could assume he was NOT an existential threat to the United States -and who the hell could believe he was bluffing about his self avowed WMD capabilities?
That is why almost the entire Congress -the Military and the Media and most Pundits and thinking people with balls - were in lock step about the need for military intervention.
Yes -the the overall strategy for occupation was a naive fuckup! - In retrospect we should have worked with the Bathists to manage the political realities - instead of unleashing the Shiites who are mostly fucking religious morons AND who hate us for freeing them from Saddam - under whom they couldn't take a shit without asking permission.
BUT - weak kneed liberals like Obama have NEVER thought it necessary to have to kill maniacs and inflict collateral damage in the interests of American survival. And that includes the whole fucking cold war!
Obama is a pussy - and McCaine would eat him for breakfast in the general election!
Saddam could certainly have possessed WMD - - past evidence of stockpiles was established - and he never came clean and opened up to full inspections.
He was an established pathological nut case who had used poison gas on the Kurds - had recently invaded Kuwait and reaped untold havoc on it's people and the environment and then repeatedly violated his surrender agreements.
Saddam hated America and had enormous resources with which to enable world terrorism at a time when the Twin Towers were still smoking.
He ran Iraq like Caligula - there was no way we could assume he was NOT an existential threat to the United States -and who the hell could believe he was bluffing about his self avowed WMD capabilities?
That is why almost the entire Congress -the Military and the Media and most Pundits and thinking people with balls - were in lock step about the need for military intervention.
Yes -the the overall strategy for occupation was a naive fuckup! - In retrospect we should have worked with the Bathists to manage the political realities - instead of unleashing the Shiites who are mostly fucking religious morons AND who hate us for freeing them from Saddam - under whom they couldn't take a shit without asking permission.
BUT - weak kneed liberals like Obama have NEVER thought it necessary to have to kill maniacs and inflict collateral damage in the interests of American survival. And that includes the whole fucking cold war!
Obama is a pussy - and McCaine would eat him for breakfast in the general election!
Monday, March 03, 2008
God Must be Hispanic If he Named His Only Son Jesus
Wow - i just realized that God has to be Hispanic!
I mean - otherwise he would have named his only kid God Junior or at least some common name of those times- like Joshua or Peter or Moishe -any thing but Jesus(unless he was Hispanic).
What made me think of this was i was watching the Los Angeles marathon yesterday and at least fifty percent of the people had to be Hispanic -and at least fifty percent of them were named Jesus - and i says to myself; "Wow -these guys all look like Jesus Christ - and God gave him that name -and that was not a common name -so God had to be Hispanic."
Wow! -- can you imagine what God is thinking about all these religious conservatives and white nativists who are bashing these poor illegal immigrants - who are his Hispanic brothers and sisters?
And - i bet that the Hispanics -not the Jews -are Gods chosen people. You notice he didn't name Moses - Jesus.
And -the true bible story must be that he cast out the Hispanics from the United States and let the Gringos (like the Egyptians with the Hebrews)) enslave them because they were being bad -but now he is letting them back into their promised land.
And for three thousand years the Jews have been selling the story about Canaan and being cast out and all that Pharaoh stuff just so they could look like the chosen people and get all that promotion -when the Hispanics -led by Gods Hispanic son Jesus - were the chosen people all along.
Well - as Mencken said; "Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing"
But -maybe God IS Jewish but has a pushy Hispanic wife. (you notice i didn't say cunty)
I mean - otherwise he would have named his only kid God Junior or at least some common name of those times- like Joshua or Peter or Moishe -any thing but Jesus(unless he was Hispanic).
What made me think of this was i was watching the Los Angeles marathon yesterday and at least fifty percent of the people had to be Hispanic -and at least fifty percent of them were named Jesus - and i says to myself; "Wow -these guys all look like Jesus Christ - and God gave him that name -and that was not a common name -so God had to be Hispanic."
Wow! -- can you imagine what God is thinking about all these religious conservatives and white nativists who are bashing these poor illegal immigrants - who are his Hispanic brothers and sisters?
And - i bet that the Hispanics -not the Jews -are Gods chosen people. You notice he didn't name Moses - Jesus.
And -the true bible story must be that he cast out the Hispanics from the United States and let the Gringos (like the Egyptians with the Hebrews)) enslave them because they were being bad -but now he is letting them back into their promised land.
And for three thousand years the Jews have been selling the story about Canaan and being cast out and all that Pharaoh stuff just so they could look like the chosen people and get all that promotion -when the Hispanics -led by Gods Hispanic son Jesus - were the chosen people all along.
Well - as Mencken said; "Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing"
But -maybe God IS Jewish but has a pushy Hispanic wife. (you notice i didn't say cunty)
Friday, February 29, 2008
United States Prison Population Should be Outsourced
Well it looks like - if you break the law in the good ole USA -You will do your time in some Foreign country. Maybe India or China if your lucky - but it could just as easily be the Congo or Somalia - or whoever makes the most attractive bid to keep you in captivity.
And with a new report showing that one out of one-hundred people in the good ole USA are doin some kind of jail time - this plan comes just in time to help our hurtin economy.
"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot for ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for under five thousand (and if the liberals don't squawk we could probably get some countries to pay us for these folks )"
"Were talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and I'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."
"Julie concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!
And with a new report showing that one out of one-hundred people in the good ole USA are doin some kind of jail time - this plan comes just in time to help our hurtin economy.
"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot for ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for under five thousand (and if the liberals don't squawk we could probably get some countries to pay us for these folks )"
"Were talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and I'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."
"Julie concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Mandatory Drug Tests For Congress - Most Would Fail
I'm willing to bet that if the US Congress were drug tested - over fifty percent would test positive for some mind altering substance.
And since their ability to focus and problem solve and manage their complex legislative duties is what they get paid for - and since we elect them with an expectation of a high level of energetic performance and clarity - it would be helpful if they were not fucked up on any drugs.
So let's test these suckas! - I mean we are so worried about our athletes not playing their fun games fairly - and whether or not Wal Mart employees can perform their highly complex jobs on drugs - or whether toll collectors will be able to make change after smoking a joint:
But whether or not a US Senator is holding a hearing on National Security zonked out on Prosac or Oxycotin - or maybe just did a couple of lines, or smoked some refer or took some meth: -- Oh, why should we be concerned about that?
Hey -and why not mandatory drug testing for ALL government employees - I am willing to bet you that fifty percent of the WHOLE government bureacracy would test positive for some kind of illegal mind altering substance.
And boy -would that explain everything!
And since their ability to focus and problem solve and manage their complex legislative duties is what they get paid for - and since we elect them with an expectation of a high level of energetic performance and clarity - it would be helpful if they were not fucked up on any drugs.
So let's test these suckas! - I mean we are so worried about our athletes not playing their fun games fairly - and whether or not Wal Mart employees can perform their highly complex jobs on drugs - or whether toll collectors will be able to make change after smoking a joint:
But whether or not a US Senator is holding a hearing on National Security zonked out on Prosac or Oxycotin - or maybe just did a couple of lines, or smoked some refer or took some meth: -- Oh, why should we be concerned about that?
Hey -and why not mandatory drug testing for ALL government employees - I am willing to bet you that fifty percent of the WHOLE government bureacracy would test positive for some kind of illegal mind altering substance.
And boy -would that explain everything!
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