Obama Job Screening Process Leaves Out Three Important Questions

Just when Democrats thought it was time to triumphantly claim hard-won administration appointments, Team Obama has created a vetting process worthy of aspirants for political sainthood - But there ARE Three Questions that must be answered!

One - Do you enjoy killing animals in the name of sport? - An affirmative answer should eliminate all Hunters from the administration and would eliminate sixty percent of the angry assholes who normally creep into the system.


Two - When did you last have oral sex? -if the answer is less than three nights ago - drop the candidate like a hot potatoe! - This will eliminate seventy percent of the repressed and hostile religious freaks who permeate the bureacracy!

Three - Do you think you will meet a God when you die who looks like George Burns in "Oh My God" - and who has had something to do with your life? - If the answer is yes -then you have a delusional person on your hands who should be referred to the Vatican.

One - Two -Three And There Out!

Obama Approval Ratings Plunge In First Week

President Elect Obama has slipped from a ninety five percent approval rating among his supporters - to eight five percent:

And among non supporters it has gone from twelve percent to two percent.

Dr. Moishe Pipick - head of the Phew Research Center said: "It is extremely alarming that after only one week as President Elect - his approval ratings have plummeted!"

Elise Mandelbaum, digibandit research head , asked Dr. Pipick; "What is causing this srong and almost instantaneous negative reaction to Obama among the American people?"

Pipick responded:

"One - he has not solved the economic meltdown"

'Two - he has not brought home the troops"

"Three - he has not resolved health insurance"

Pipick concluded; - "But - the most important thing that is bugging most American's - is - that he has taken no action towards having Sarah Palin and her entire family murdered."

"Or exiled"

Sex - Drugs - And God Tax - Can Save The World

Legalize Drugs and prostitution and Tax the Catholic Church - To Save the World Economy

Dr.Moishe Pipick, head economist for the World Financial Institute - in Berne Switzerland - announced today at the G Twenty Conference in the United States:

"First - There are over a billion people with significant savings who would gladly start spending for legal drugs - and the tax revenue and economic stimulus from that consumer spending - would almost single -handily resolve the economic meltdown.

Second - Allowing these individuals to further spend their savings on legal (taxable) prostitutes - would add an additional jolt to the marketplace.

And - with over one billion people walking around high and sexually satisfied - optimism will blossom once again - and capital investment will be invigorated.

Third - Tax the Church! - This will generate trillions in new tax revenue from a sector of the world economy which produces nothing "

Dr. Pipick concluded; "Sex - Drugs - and a God tax! - it's really that simple!"

Let The Queers Marry -That Will End Same Sex Marriage Overnight

Want to put an abrupt halt to same sex marriage? - Let them get married!

I mean - gays are pretty darn smart - and as soon as they find out how fucking miserable married life is - they will abandon that failed institution like rats leaving a sinking ship.

I mean - one night Oliver is saying to Gary ; "Oh Gar - i think i'll go over to the Club Tuchas and snort some Ecstasy and get fucked by maybe three or four sailors - wanna come (oops a pun)?"

"No Hon" - says Gar - "I think i'll just go cruise around West Hollywood and get shtupped over in the park."

"Okay Hon - don't be too late we an appointment at the hairdresser manana"

"Chow baby - have fun - hey would you pick up some cocaine while your'e at the club?"

So now three weeks after - say -tieing the knot in Connecticut - and the conversation now goes like this:

"Gar - you fucking whore - i hope you had a real good time last night - i waited up for you until three am - i even bought that special queen bee jelly you like and a new triple headed dildo - and you come home loaded and fall asleep - you never did shit like that wbefore we were married!"

Oliver replies: "Stop nagging me you bitch - maybe if you hadn't gained twenty pounds since our fucking wedding - i would stay home more often?"

Oh well you get my drift - oh and the lesbos ? - The emergency rooms will be overflowing with so much debris from dyke violence - that Sadir City will look like a Buddhist retreat center.

Oh yeah - let them wed - welcome to hell all you queers!

Please God - Kill That Ignorant Alaskan Redneck

"I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door," Palin said in an interview with Fox News on Monday. "And if there is an open door in '12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I'll plow through that door."

How about an open trap door witha noose around her redneck?

Millions of Americans Apply For Exit Visas

With the economy collapsing - and trillions of dollars being borrowed to save the folks who caused the collapse - and home buyers who had no right to buy them -and car and insurance companies that spent the last twenty years fucking them:

Millions of Americans are contemplating their futures in other countries - where they can live a decent life - and not burden their children and grandhildren with mountains of debt at birth.

"I don't want my grandchildren to come into the world as major debtors!" -said Moishe Pipick who was speaking from Beth Israel hospital in new York -where his new grandson Irving just squealed his way into the world - owing Uncle Sam over two- hundred thousand dollars dollars.

"Wer'e outa here! - This is bullshit! - He's gotta pay for AIG and General Motors and Iraq and all those derivative and hedge fund momzers! - He's gotta pay for all those schmucks that can't read a mortgage or live within a budget?"

"Fuck America!" he said - Wer'e off to Israel or Australia or China or India -at least we'll have health coverage!"

'"But -What about Obama?" -said Bandit financial reporter. Elise Mandelbaum."

Moishe replied; "He's a nice smart guy - he isn't the Messiah!."

American Express announces "Shop Only"Credit Card Program

Feeling like you need a shopping fix? _But your'e broke and out of credit?


Want to get that "shopper's high" without actually spending a dime? -Get that special rush of Dopamine surging into your brain as you mainstream consumer consumption ? --Feel that special rush as the retailer swipes and bags your 'Junk" like a heroin addict in a shooting gallery?



Well with the American Express "Shop Only - Till You Drop" card - you just pay a small fee - ten dollars - for ten thousand dollars worth of "buy only" credits.



Pay a paltry fifty bucks and you can get up to two -hundred thousand dollars in "shop only"credits - and the "Shop only " Dream Card - about three hundred dollars - will allow you to buy high ticket luxury items. (take the whole family and buy a Ferrari)



So shop away! - You check out the goods just like you were actually buying them -- the clerk says thank you - and you leave without the merchandise, but aglow with that "special shoppers high" that really has nothing to do with needing or even wanting most of "the stuff" anyway.



And - for a small extra fee the clerk will provide you with an assortment of boxes with the details of what you "shopped" so you can arrive at home and go over all your "shopped only purchases" with your family and even wrap and put them under the tree if you like. (and then you get another "fix" for free when you open them.)



And -- you can give these "Shopped Only"gifts for any and all occasions - "Oh look what the Nelson's "Shopped" us for our housewarming (your friend unwraps and reads the gift description ) - "A beautiful Tiffany bowl".



And the whole nature of consumerism will change - and life as we know it - and the social and political and economic and cultural impact will be staggering!

Sarah Palin Destroys the Hopes and Dreams of Future Ignorant Cunts to Lead America

It should be a very long time before an ignorant cunt like Sarah Palin gets a shot at leading the free world!

And - if it ever happens again? - It will be a clear portent that our civilization has finally run its course.

I honestly believe that historians will look back on her selection by McCaine as the lowest point in American politics and culture.

I only hope to God that it is finally revealed that he was fucking her!

In that event - we have a totally understandable situation where an old feeble war hero was overwhelmed by a virulent libido in it's last dying gasp - in the throes of one great final hard on.

This is forgiveable - maybe admirable?

Anything else is unpardonable! - he should be crucified and left to hang on public display outside the Senate.

And school children should come in busloads to observe his stinking - rotting -corpse!

Good Riddance Casper - and -The Bride of Frankenstein

"Of course, McCain’s gracious concession speech is only notable because it contrasts so sharply with the sad and shabby campaign that he chose to run. Five classy minutes should not expiate several months’ worth of name calling, insinuations, and intellectual dishonesty. Honor cannot be worn like a jacket, to be slipped on and off as the situation dictates. John McCain irrevocably ceded his moral high ground during the course of his campaign, and the press should realize that one good speech doesn’t change that. Joe Klein has it right: Talk about putting lipstick on a pig."

This from a Columbia Journalism Review article - says it all - for the bandit.

He should kill himself - like a noble Samurai (which he ain't)

Obama's Grandmother Seen Campaigning in Ohio AND Florida - After Dying

"She's gone home," Obama said as tens of thousands of rowdy supporters at the University of North Carolina-Charlotte grew silent in an evening drizzle.



But he was wrong!



One hour after dying peacefully in her bed in Hawaai - Madelyn Payne Dunham was seen campaigning for her grandson in both Ohio and Florida - two key swing states which would lock the election up for Obama.



In reaction to this startling resurrection sarah Palin ran into a church in Canton, Ohio where she had just delivered a speech calling Obama a Muslim terrorist - dropped down before Jesus Christ - and began weeping hysterically:



"Forgive me father for i have sinned - and in the few hours left in this campaign - i am throwing my full support behind your new son and Savior - Lord Obama -- Amen!"



Reached in Florida at a nursing home where he had just called Obama a Communist and a fake negroe who would lead the country into chaos and depravity John (Casper) McCaine said:



"This is total bullshit - but if i'm wrong -i'm definitely fucked!"



And hearing of the resurrection of his beloved Grandmom - Obama said:



" She promised me she would rise back up and help me win the election - and i never doubted her for a moment!"

Joe the Plumber - Meet Hazel the Hooker

SAN FRANCISCO — When Proposition K was added to Tuesday’s ballot, many people likely snickered at the possibility that San Francisco might take its place alongside such prostitute-friendly havens as Amsterdam and a few rural counties in nearby Nevada.

BUT - it's looking like HAZEL the Hooker will be able to do business as UNUSUAL post election day in San Francisco! - And boy will Joe the Plumber be ecstatic!

Because while Joe has been able to fuck his clients with total impunity - poor Hazel has been forced to pay off Cops and Evangelists and Lawmakers just to suck a few lonely cocks every night.

This is fantastick news for those of us who would rather pay a reasonable fee to a real professional for sex - then beg his frigid trophy wife for a hand job - in return for half of all our assets -and the kids.

Oh - and how about all those poor fucking Rednecks and just plain poor fat and ugly people - and greedy moronic plumbers like Joe - who maybe get laid twice a year? - With legalized prostitution and the elimination of Pimps and Payoffs and Shysters:

These poor frustrated folks will be able to afford Hazel on a regular basis!

Oh - and you can bet that the killing of wild animals and violent crime will drop substantially !

Dr.Moishe Pipick - head of The Cultural Neuroscience Institute, in Berne Switzerland - said today:

"All our studies have shown that people who enjoy killing animals (called hunting in America) -and most violent criminals - would readily turn in their guns for a descent weekly blowjob."

And - anyway - wouldn't you much rather get fucked by Hazel the Hooker - than Joe the Plumber?

Vote proposition K on election day in San Francisco!

Britney Spears or Lil Kim better Than Palin - Says Mitt Romney

Mitt was overheard discussing the McCaine campaign - in a restaurant in downtown Salt lake City Utah – yesterday:

“I mean – he fucking blew it! –Picking that moron Palin was like if GW had picked Britney Spears for defense secretary instead of Robert Gates”

“As a matter of fact Spears (or maybe LIL Kim, that hot black rapper)) would have been a wiser –and much more qualified choice – at least he would have gotten the youth vote.”

His unidentified friend replied; “But Mitt – I think he felt he needed to solidify his base – you know – the rednecks and the religious freaks.”

Mitt replied; “Oh fucking great move!” – “Why didn’t he just hold a press conference and announce that he didn’t want anyone with an IQ of over 95 to vote for him!”

“I mean – how fucking stupid does Casper (McCaine’s nickname) think the electorate is – anyway?”
“Pretty fucking stupid Mitt!”

North Vietnamese Doctor Say’s McCaine Was Flying Drunk

Doctor Moishe Van Trang – a Vietnamese Colonel and Surgeon – who treated John McCaine after he was shot down over Hanoi – said today from his sickbed in Phnom Pen – (where he is dying from agent orange poisoning );

“I guess it’s time to come clean about the McCaine incident !”

He stated; “When Mccaine stepped out of his smoking cockpit he was yelling –“Fuck you gooks – come and get me! -He was waving a bottle of Dewars scotch whiskey – and firing his revolver in the air - then he fell –shot himself through both legs and his hip – broke his collar bone – and passed out.”

He went on; ‘I was told by the Air Command to never mention this - because they didn’t want the American’s to know that the only way we could have hit him with our fucked up Russian SAM system – was because he was flying around drunk.”

“Oh – and as long as I’m coming clean, you know that business about the guard who drew a Christian Cross in the dirt?”

“What about that?” – said digibandit foreign correspondent Lisa Mandelbaum.

Dr. Moishe Van Trang confessed; “It was me – and it wasn’t a Cross! – it was a Jewish Star!”

“Landsman” – cried Lisa.

Terrified Chickens Lay Poisoned Eggs

Dr. Moishe Pipick – head of experimental agronomy at Cornell University - announced the results of a significant new study today;

“A free range chicken spends it’s entire life in a state of high anxiety! - It’s akin to what a human being would experience running around naked – at night – in the Kenyan wild Lion refuge.”

“On the other hand” –Dr Pipick stated; “a chicken within the enclosed security of a cage – where they can barely move – is like a human being snuggled up against a pair of warm tits in a comfy bed.”

“And consequently” he continued; “ Free Range chicken eggs contain a toxic chemical which is released by these “Free” birds - which spend their whole short lives in a state of constant terror and fear of being torn apart and devoured by predators at any given moment.”

He went on; “ This chemical produces high levels of anxiety and hypertension in women! – And - it has had a significant negative impact on male female relationships – and hence – culture and society as a whole.” (oops a pun)

Dr. Pipick concluded; “ Without getting too technical – the study – conclusively proves that women who ingest Free Range chicken eggs –are much more “Bitchy” (you’ll notice I didn’t use the “C” word ) -- heh heh heh!

“if you really want to do something? -Come up with a Free Range Flour - Our studies conclusively show that - wheat does not enjoy growing so closely together – and when stalks are planted at least three inches apart – they are much happier!”

“But that’s another subject”

Obama Had Criminal Friends In Kindergarden - Says Sarah Palin

Sarah (Trailer Trash) Palin accused Obama of having at least two buddies in Kindergarden who became criminals! - she stated today on the campaign trail in Bumfuck South Dakota (where a crowd of ten thousand fat rednecks cheered her on):



"It's a continuation of his pattern of making bad judgements about the company he keeps - John and i were horrified to discover that two of his little Kindergarten buddies went on to careers in crime!"



She continued: "Little Moishe Pinsky - the son of a Jewish tailor became the bookeeper for fat Sally Giovanni - a prominent Chicago loanshark"



"And - Tiny Mustaffa Balucka - a negroe child from Raleigh North Carolina - went on to become a tap dancing Muslim junkie - who robbed banks in Gary, Indiana."



Sarah further stated: " Oh - and get this - another little early childhood buddy of his - Timmy (Tubby the Tuba) O'Reilly - went on to murder a St. Louis Priest who he caught sodomizing his little brother - i mean - a Priest!"



"John and I don't like this kind of campaigning" - said Sarah - "But but - i mean - you know - who your friends are is really -really important!"



Digibandit election reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked Ms. Palin; "But - Sarah - i mean - Kindergarden? - Friends from Kindergarden?"



She responded; "Heck yes Kindergarden - it's where you develop ypur life long, God given values Elise! - Maybe as a Jew you just don't get it?"

Fox TV announces "The Palins" - with John McCaine as feature guest star

Fox television prexy - Moishe Pipick - in announcing Fox's contract with Sarah Palin - to executive produce "The Palin's" - a recreation of "The Munsters" - announced today at a press conference in Hollywood :

"The Munsterswas a 1960s American television sitcom depicting the home life of a family of monsters. The show was a satire of both traditional monster movies and popular family entertainment of the era, such as Leave it to Beaver. It ran concurrently with the The Addams Family. Although the Addams were well-to-do, the Munsters were a more blue-collar family. The Munsters also had higher Nielsen ratings than The Addams Family"

He continued: "The Palins" will become America's first family of monstors! -Think about - the Munsters meets the Osbournes - living in a shitty one horse town - Wasilla, Alaska - and you have this psycho red neck politician with her aboriginal husband - and a family of freaks!"

"I mean- if this is not great television - then shoot me someone - please!"

He went on; "We even have a commitment from John McCaine to appear in a regular guest role as the retarded brother of Tod Palin - who was mauled by a Polar bear while drunk and taking a piss out on the ice one night with a bunch of Eskimos. (which is why he looks and acts THAT way.)"

Sarah Palin said at the press conference today; "I am so proud to be joining the Fox TV family. - I never really belonged in politics with all those Jews and Spics and Niggers and unpatriotic folks."

"Now i can spend all my time with God and my family and Fox and the American TV audience. - Amen"

Fox Announces -"Brother Can You Spare A Dime?"

Fox TV president Sammy Schlocker announced today:

"With the economy collapsing - we thought it would be fun to build a reality show around the Great Depression's most famous refrain "Brother Can You Spare A Dime" - which will have top executives from the financial sector - who have lost everything - compete against one another in a reality show where they use all their skills - in peddling apples on street corners in the new York City financial district.

Just like so many ex moguls resorted to after Wall Street collapsed in 1929.( at the beginning of the Great Depression) ---- these ex wealthy financial titans - will now apply all their skills to selling apples to the folks they fucked!



"Former Lehman brother executives - Merril Lynch managers - top dogs from Fannie and Freddie - and powerful Hedge Fund managers and brokers et. al. - will be given a fresh supply of apples each morning and we will tally up their sales every day."

"It's a zero sum game!" said Moishe Pipick, ex CEO for "Pipick and Gevalt LLC" - one of wall Street's most powerful investment banks , before the collapse. - Exactly the code i lived by, before i lost everything ."

"My Gulf Stream jet - my home in Greenwich Connecticut - my yacht - my Rolls and my golden Retriever Freddie (which really hurt!) -- "He went with my bitch of a trophy wife Marr. (losing her makes the whole ordeal almost bearable)"

Moishe continued; "I would just like to thank Fox for giving us a shot at making a comeback - and i know i will move a lot of apples!"

Fox VP Programming and Executive producer for the program -- Mannie Mandelbaum stated: "Boy we really have to watch these folks - they are already being very creative and ruthless in their apple sales and marketing strategies - we have even caught them poisoning their competitors apples."

Well there's always a few rotton appels in every barrel!

God Brings Seven Plagues To America - Economny IS Sixth

Financial Collapse is Sixth Of Seven New Plagues From God



Remember the seven plagues that God brought down upon the Egyptians because he was pissed about their treatment of the Jews?

Warts and blood and frogs and bugs and crap of all kinds and finally - death of the Egytian first born – until they let the Hebrews “GO”

Well - God has gotten more sophisticated in the last three thousand years (not any nicer though) – and so we have seven new plagues from the Boss – who is now pissed off at America - probably about climate change and turning the Earth into a shithole.

He is also pissed off at the other industrial nations – but it seems he has a hair up his ass about us. (probably because of all the phony demagogic hypocrits like Falwell and Robertson and Hagee and Dobson and Limbaugh (et al) –who are always putting words in his mouth to raise moola .

And – who by focusing on sex and pussy and porno and gays and illegal immigrants – things which God does not give a fuck about – evade the existential Global emergencies which the Big Guy does think are important.

So back to the new plagues he’s bringing down on us:

First – Bush/Cheney – "eight years of these mother fuckers might be a wake-up call for ya? - huh? Huh? Duh?"


Second - 9-11 - and the stirring up of the screwball Muslims. 'I really hated to do that"

Third – Hurricane Katrina – drowning a big city - and letting the Bush administration run with the clean-up ball. "Still fucked up down there? –Huh? -- HAHAHA"

Fourth - gay marriage – "So - you hate forty percent of My/Gods' weird children? – Well - now they can marry and raise families – fuck you!"

Fifth – illegal aliens - "You – a nation of immigrants and dead beats hate hard working and striving immigrants all of a sudden? - Okeydokey – here’s fifteen million of them – say hi!"

Sixth -- The economy –" Still don't have your undivided attention? -- How do you like the price of oil? - The housing Collapse? - The attack of the Wall Street thugs and pagans? – The credit disaster? -and more on the way - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA -- oweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Seven – "And soon to arrive if you don't get your collective shit together - President Sarah Palin!" --"Sorry John."

Ahahahaha!Hoooooo EEEEEEEEe Yahahahahahahahahah!

God is one funny dude!

Simple Lie Detector To Identify Homo Priests

It's so simple -EVERY priest (including the Pope) and every applicant for the Clergy gets wired up and asked these questions:

Are you a homo?

Do you get excited thinking about a young man's asshole?

Have you ever tongue kissed a male?

Do you think Paris Hilton licking your balls is exciting?

If leonardo De Caprio grabbed your cock would you be thrilled?

If Cameron Diaz crawled into your bed and put her thumb in your prostate would it be exciting?

Would you suck the Pope's dick if he asked you?

Do you think God is a homo?

Simple as pie - if you pass this test we know our kids ain't gonna get the high hard one from a Homo Priest.

Your Welcome

Sarah Palin Will Orbit Earth To "GET IT" - so she says

Palin Will Orbit Earth To Understand Important Global Issues


John (Caspar the Ghost) Mccaine announced at a press conference today;

“When you see how much Sarah has learned about Russian politics and history – from just being able to see a wee part of it’s landmass from Alaska :”

‘Well -- just imagine how much she will learn about Global politics and priorities – by looking out at the Earth from space?”

He stated; “She is a very quick study – and I would say that after her first pass over the Earth’s key conflict zones – Wam! – she’ll really get it --all of it!!”

“I mean we were driving together from the Detroit airport last week – on our way to a Republican rally - and she said to me:”

“Wowee John - the rustbelt - I see it – I mean I get it! –I mean like cars rusting - the auto industry right? - Oh cool! –Yeah – Now I get it!”

Mccaine went on; “That’s what I call - instant get it! - I mean this is a girl who has been living in a fucking refrigerator her whole life - metaphorically speaking of course”

“And” – he concluded “When she gets back from seeing everything down here from outer space – and getting everything? – whoa!’
I sure wouldn’t want to be my old pal --Joe Biden – when he debates her."

Please dear Lord - help us with this one - this is no longer funny - maybe you could just kill her -and take a little time off - your'e working too hard