Study Confirms Fox News Audience Heavily Dysfunctional

Average Fox news viewers have a thirty five percent lower IQ

85% have never read a book

27% are wife beaters (3x the national average)

69% of the women are obese and 89% of the men

86% believe Mary was a virgin

84% OF MEN GET LAID LESS THAN ONCE PER MONTH

89%of women have never performed oral sex and 99% of them have ever experienced cunnilingus.

73% of men and 85% of women are ugly and hairy

Over 60%of men AND women are alcoholics and/or druggies.

99% are Christian

Over 70% of ALL their men and Women beat their children AND their pets.

They earn 49% less income than CNN viewers.

Over half the Men AND Women are homophobes AND racists

Twelve %of Men have fucked a sheep

Fifteen % of the Women have used a cucumber

This study was extensive and Moishe Pipick president of National Data Services -a worldwide polling and statistical research organization -headquartered in Bern, Switzerland said today:

"So? - What's so surprising? -These folks are basically morons!"

Folks Now Renting Car's To Homeless

The first night after she surrendered her house to foreclosure, Sheri West endured the darkness in her rented Hyundai sedan. She parked in her old driveway, with her flower-print dresses and hats piled in boxes on the back seat, and three cherished houseplants on the floor. She used her backyard as a restroom.

American's are innovators - and with so many folks unable to make their car payments -and so many NEW homeless folks due to home foreclosures - waddya do?

You guessed it -they rent out their cars as homes! -Yep - 250 bucks a month will get ya a nice cozy space in a 1990 Hundai Sedan (trunk rights are 5 bucks a month extra) Toilet paper and yard rights are extra!

I mean -that is the spirit and energy of a free market economy that the Republican's can really be proud of.

Right up until the day - maybe coming sooner than they think -when they see the torches and pitchforks glowing and waving outside their suburban enclaves.

"Let Em Eat Cake!" said Marie Antoinette -right before the French Revolutionaries lopped off her head and the Kings -and most of the rich folks.

Fox TV Announces "Balloon Boy"

Fox Reality TV wasted no time in signing up the rights to the "Balloon Boy" Family.

Fox Television president Herb Schlockwinder announced today:

'Hey we know a great reality opportunity when we see one and this "Balloon Boy" family has got it all!"

He continued: "I mean they are dysfunctional (in a sweet way) - totally sociopathic - and are convinced that kids were put on earth to be exploited - I mean -It's ALL there!"

Digibandit Hollywood reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked Schlockwinder "What's the show about?"

"Heh! Heh! Heh!" said Schlockwinder -"Hey Elise -you are one pushy Jew! -You know i can't give that away! "But i will say you're looking great today (overheard wispering "Great Tits" to his assistant) -AND - the show will be kinda like 'The Osbournes" meets The Balloon Boy Family"

"Thanks Herb - and their perfect - and i would rather have a leper touch them than you!"

"BBBBBBBBut Elise c'mon -hey come back here (overheard saying "What a tight Jewy Ass") -I'll give you a scoop!" - says Schlockwinder.

Fox IS Reality!

Women Have Ruined America -And Castrated Men

With two thirds od all women now working -and soon to comprise over fifty percent of the workforce (up from nineteen percent in 1950 - here's the cultural impact:

The economy has completely tanked

Wages are totally depressed

Children are neglected

High school dropout rates are over forty five percent

Thirty five percent of children are obese (and adult obesity is at epidemic proportions

Men get laid thirty percent less per month and are sexually frustrated.

Spousal abuse has climbed twenty eight percent.

Divorce rates are over fifty percent -and seventy five percent of all married couples are miserable.

Twenty five percent of all men are now gay -and another thirty percent are thinking about it.

Ten percent of all men now say they would fuck a sheep.

Congratulations!

Captain Lou Albano Is Partying With The Lord!

And if everyone on Earth who did not worship him as a God were to drop dead right now -this Planet would at last be free and at peace!

No war - no oppression -no religion - no discrimination - no anger - no anxt - no uptight white people - no Muslim Arabs - no priests - no guns - no rednecks - no energy -no REAL violence.

Right now god is sitting with the Captain who has just pierced god's face with a rubberband and then threw him down with Greg Valentine's famous four legs locked hold.

And God is laughing and screaming "That's enough Lou -You crazy motherfucker you -hahahahahhaha"

First Concierge Doctors - Now Food Tasters

When it became apparent to rich folks that they had a much better chance of surviving a medical calamity if they had a team of personal physicians standing by 24/7 who were a cut above your average medical butchers -They ponied up wheelbarrows full of cash and signed on Concierge Doctors.

Hey -the rich are not stupid (spoiled -insecure and selfish) but definitely not stupid!

So - now that the chances of becoming a corpse or paralyzed after ingesting -say - a poisoned burger -or a pepper -or some lettuce that was picked by someone who just wiped his ass on his shirt -They are hiring food tasters.

Moishe Pipick -a wealthy orthodontist from Southhampton NY said: "We have an illegal named Maria who tastes everything me or my family eats -And - just last week she dropped like a fly after taking a bite of my wife's caviar with blini."

"What happened to her?" said Elise Mandelbaum -the digibandit health reporter.

"We called our concierge doctor and she was revived - but unfortunately she now has a hunchback!"

'Wow!" said Mandelbaum - But what do you think average folks can do?"

"Let em eat cake" -Replied Mrs.Antoinette Pinsky.

Nobel Gave Bush An International "Fuck You"

And when the most powerful nation on earth evolves from being run by a bible directed moron and his ideological cronies - to a competent and well balanced man with a powerful intellect - and a team of consummate professionals:

Hell yes! - That man is worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize.

The potential for human progress on a global scale has been elevated to an umprecedented degree - by the leadership style evidenced by President Obama - as compared to George W Bush.

The right wing doesn't get it -but when have they EVER been right about human progress

And the lefties are stuck as usual in a clarity numbing state of

murky misdirected idealism.

THIS is a great moment for everyone!

Thanks Alfred Nobel

Nagging Israeli Wives Push Settlement Expansion

"Abe -you good for nothing poor excuse for a Jewish husband!" - "You moved me and the kids out here in the middle of the desert -surrounded by angry goyim - in this poor excuse for a home - and you promised things would get better"

" Becky! But Becky! -you cried" -- "The land is cheap -we'll make a killing! -The goyim are morons! - For what do they need land? - It'll be ok. - You can have a nice garden and i'll build a swingset for the kinder"



"I told you then Abe -i can't live with you and four kids in a tiny place with one small bedroom and one bathroom -and no diniing area -and no laundry room" - "But - i listened to your pleading like a real schmuck."



" You promised - Becky Becky my darling - soon we'll expand - we'll make a killing! - I'll grow some nice lemons in the yard - and some cabbage for you to stuff - and the air is so clean"



"And Beckela -right over there where that bush is - that is where king David took a nice crap before he killed that giant goyim Goliath!"



"Beckela -my angel -this is the ancient homeland of the Jewish Prophets"



"Well now Abe! - I put up with this place for five years - with the goyim screaming and yelling -and the rotton plumbing - and the sandstorms and the rockets - and:



" Now i'm telling you - You build an addition on this house and put in a swimming poool - Or - me and the kids are going back to my parents in Tel Aviv -and i'm getting my cousin - the lawyer - Moishe Pipick to drain you dry with alimony and child support"



'You can stay out here with the goyim and the prophets - and you can shtupp the sheep!"



So -now you know why the settlement issue will NOT be solved any time soon - AND - why the Palestinians -whose wives only speak when spoken to - cannot grasp the depth of this problem.

Anna Nicole Smith Just Won't Go Away

Now that Anna is under renewed legal interest -- let's not forget my initial investigative report (below) of her exotic and mysterious death.

Anna Nicole Smith Did Not OD -- Death Caused By Her Huge Vibrator

Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.LA Examiner Dr.Sanjay Fakakta said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna had her last orgasm."

CSI investigative chief and a trained electrical engineer Hanran Voltar said;"Judging by the size of Anna's orgasm --we found her clitoris on a lawn in Brentwood which is three miles from the death scene -- the vibrator had to be extremely powerful, and it's motor which killed her, is commonly used in rocket propelled grenade launchers.

He went on -- "There were large holes burned into the mirror above her bed and from burn marks around her breasts, it is apparent that bolts of electricity shot out of her nipples and scorched the ceiling."

"Wow --you won't see that on CBS" -- said the Bandit celebrity reporter.

What Makes Hunter's Such Sick Fucks You Nobel Scientists?

The mastery of light through technology was the theme of this year’s Nobel Prize in Physics as the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences honored breakthroughs in fiber optics and digital photography.

Ok that's just great -hooray and woopedydoodaday! But -how about some of you geniuses figuring out why a guy (women don't do this) will go into the woods and try and kill a beautiful wild creature -and enjoy the living shit out of it.

Oh yeah -it's killing season again -and we all know this is NOT about hunting or needing the meat. -- It IS all about the enjoyment derived from - say - shooting an arrow into the belly of a brown Bear -and the pure enjoyment of knowing it was "YOU" who did the killing. -You sick fuck -YOU!

I mean -if you all can figure out how shit we can't even see can make the world a more efficient place - Then - why not focus a tad on whatever is going on in those sick fucking dudes' minds' who just love to maim and hurt and kill.

Who LOVE to play with guns and are totally mesmerized by the power they feel when they shoot and destroy something -anything. (even beer cans and signs and shit)

I mean -what the fuck is wrong with these pathetic fucking men?

Is it a sex thing? -A small cock thing? -some wire loose?

Come on already you Nobel Prize seekers -come up with somethin!

Imagine if we could just get rid of these fuckers in the womb!

Talaban Leader Does Stand-Up

SARAROGHA, Pakistan – Flanked by heavily armed fighters, the new leader of the Pakistani Taliban sat on a blue blanket, amiable and relaxed as he cracked jokes and mixed in threats of vengeance for deadly U.S. airstrikes.

One day later, a suicide bomber attacked a U.N. office in Islamabad.

Badda Boom! -laughs all around!

You know iv'e been wondering for some time now if any of these stone age Muslims have any sense of humor?

I mean - did you ever hear an Islamo fascist laugh or tell a joke?

Iv'e always believed that if we could tickle their funny bones in some way it might loosen things up a bit in the Middle East.

Maybe we could start with this new leader of the Talaban who seems to like a joke or two. - SO - let's put some of our best joke writers on the case and see if we can't get a dialogue going here.

"Hey Mufti! -my wife bent over to grab a fig and she farted so loud i thought it was a land mine" - "You should have seen her Burkah fly open - And it was smelling like a burning Hummer!" hahahahahahhahahhaha

"Oh Mufti - and speaking of Hummer - my wife can suck the chrome off a trailker hitch!" hahahahhahha

Oh well - you get my drift - i'll bet a guy like Larry David could have these folks peeing in their pants - And then we'd open Comedy Clubs - and who knows?

Osama might get an agent - a marriage made in heaven!

Alabama Outlaws Dildo Sex

Alabama's Supreme Court recently decided the case of 1568 Montgomery Highway Inc. — also known as Love Stuff — v. the City of Hoover. In a 7-to-2 ruling, it upheld a state law banning the sale of sex toys. The dispute may seem a bit frivolous, but it rests on a fundamental question: After the Supreme Court’s 2003 ruling striking down sodomy laws, how free is the majority to impose its morality through the law?

So the religioredneckmorons are at it again -they failed in their quest to ban sodomy - so now they're after our sex toys.

And those of us who like to work in tandum with a high powered dildo while engaging in sodomy are now in risk of some Alabama Sherrif's deputy knocking down the door and putting us under arrest.

I mean - here's some redneck deputy who get's HIS rocks off by killing beautiful animals -with a court order to arrest me while i'm in my own home slamming my old lady up the can with a dildo?

I mean - Thomas Jefferson and John Adams will be rolling over in their graves -and Benjy Franklin who is supposedly the first person to use an electrified dildo (hooked up to a kite and key in a lightening storm) will probably return from the dead if he gets wind of this shit.

Well - fortunately -I'm told that the unholy alliance on the Supremo Court of Clarence (porno) Thomas and his Godfather Scalia will probably vote to over rule the Alabama decision.

They are notorious sex toy enthusiasts (Thomas supposedly showed Scalia pictures of his white wife sucking a foot long doubleheaded dildo while he sodomized her)

What the heck is next in this wacky world?

Folks Who Welcome Death Can't Have Nukes

It's as simple as that -and everyone knows that's the real reason we can't let these death worshipers have WMD -But no one wants to say to the Ayatollah:

'Excuse me sir -YOU can't wait to die - it will be a huge improvement over your life - So dontch'a see why we who love LIFE would be a bit concerned about you religious fanaticks having nuclear bombs. -and with your kinda bad attitude toward us Infidels?"

"I mean - we would NEVER let the Pope have nuclear weapons -and they don't want to die quite as much as you guys because at least they drink wine and fuck kids for some fun"

"I mean - you don't get high -you don't laugh - you don't eat pussy - you don't like art or any kind of creativity - you don't like dancing or music - I Mean -What the fuck!?"

"Why don't you just pass one of your many revisions of the real Koran which would allow you to fucking kill yourselves -AND jump feet first into that big pool full of Virgins WITHOUT mustaches? - And then eat some nice clean pussy and some fresh fruit and take a nice dump and wipe WITH Charmin instead of your sandy hand."

"There's GOTTA be Charmin up there wherever you all go -and even Fibrecom to relieve your horrible gas from a lifetime of eating stale figs and shit. - Imagine! -No more constipation!"

'It will be better than you even think it will be - i hear they will even let you have Chinks up there - Some nice pork fried rice and spareribs!"

"Oh and i hear that Allah and Mohammad have a special place for bigshots like you Ayatollah's and Caliphs and suicide bombers of course! - Where you can fuck guys and goats and even do some gambling -and get loaded -and just let it ALL hang out!"

"So - forget the nuclear weapons - Just fucking kill yourselves - just do it - Don't think about it - Do It!"

"And let us get on with our fun loving fucked up lives for as long as we can - and hey -take heart -soon we'll all be dead! "

" Maybe you'll let us use the pool and tennis courts?"

"Out With A Bang!" Plan Endorsed By AARP

Dr.Moishe Pipick - President of The AARP (Almost Alive Retired People) -which covers 68% of ALL seniors -announced today:

About $67 billion — nearly a third of the money spent by Medicare — goes to patients in the last two years of life. The need to spend less money at the end of life “is the elephant in the room,” Evan Thomas wrote in “The Case for Killing Granny,” the cover story in last week’s Newsweek. “Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk aboutAbout $67 billion — nearly a third of the money spent by Medicare — goes to patients in the last two years of life. The need to spend less money at the end of life “is the elephant in the room,” Evan Thomas wrote in “The Case for Killing Granny,” the cover story in last week’s Newsweek. “Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about

Dr. Pipick continued: "Under the 'Go Out With A Bang!" plan - If you have less than three years to live - -THen - instead of wasting away and being shlepped from one test and one Doctor to another -and then finally and inevitably expiring with your loved ones broke while watching you turn into a dead cabbage roll:

"You can "Go Out With A Bang" - Yep -we'll give you a cash payment (twenty percent of what your treatment would have been) and ALL the drugs and/or booze you want - including synthetic Viagra which will turn the clock on your libido and commensurrate libidinal organs -Back fifty years -AND access to all the Male and/or Female hookers you desire!

Pipick concluded; " The savings wil result in the average medical plan costing most folks under three -hundred dollars a year -And that's with universal coverage - including illegal aliens!"

So - "Go Out With A Bang!" (Not available to most folks under seventy five)

Glen Beck Say's Sarah Palin Has Rotton Pussy

'When i woke after a night of humping Sarah Palin - I thought for a minute that i woke up in an Eskimo fishing village after they had just finished cleaning their Salmon catch." - Said Beck after returning from Wasilla where he was shooting wolves from a helicoptor with Sarah and Todd.

He said;"I really don't find her attractive but Todd begged me to fuck her because he hurt his dick while fucking an Elk -and he said Sarah is so horny she is starting to eye her children and has already raped their old Eskimo housekeeper"

"Wow -But he didn't tell me what a rotton pussy she has! - I only hope my dick doesn't fall off?"

He concluded "Sarah needs to douche with something really strong -or maybe use some kind of flamethrower up her hole ?"

Glenn Beck Says Sarah Palin Needs To Douche

'When i woke after a night of humping Sarah Palin - I thought for a minute that i woke up in an Eskimo fishing village after they had just finished cleaning their Salmon catch." - Said Beck after returning from Wasilla where he was shooting wolves from a helicoptor with Sarah and Todd.

He said;"I really don't find her attractive but Todd begged me to fuck her because he hurt his dick while fucking an Elk -and he said Sarah is so horny she is starting to eye her children and has already raped their old Eskimo housekeeper"

"Wow -But he didn't tell me what a rotton pussy she has! - I only hope my dick doesn't fall off?"

He concluded "Sarah needs to douche with something really strong -or maybe use some kind of flamethrower up her hole ?"

Army Recruits Will Get Balls Busted By A Real Pro

FORT JACKSON, S.C. — It may come as no surprise that the Army’s new top drill sergeant idolizes Gen. George S. Patton Jr., has jumped out of planes 33 times, aces every physical training test and drives a black Corvette with “noslack” vanity plates.

Multimedia

Audio Slide Show

Breaking Through the Ranks

But consider this: the sergeant is a woman.

On Tuesday, the Army will make Command Sgt. Maj. Teresa L. King, 48, commandant of its drill sergeant school here. It is a first. No woman has run one of the Army’s rigorous schools for drill instructors.

Well -it's about time the Army woke up and found out what every red blooded American Male has known from birth:

That women are the greatest and most efficient Ball Busters on Planet Earth!

So welcome Terry! - Maybe now we'll get some much needed state of the art NUT Busting for our troops who have gotten soft under the amateur Nut Cracking from MALE drill instructors.

I mean - if you want to kick a guy in the grapes - get a woman!

I mean -who do you think is cracking the nuts of those macho Marine DI's when they arrive home after a day of beating up on recruits? - No wonder they're in no shape for serious nut cracking in the am -Their wives have been at work breaking their balls from the time they got home from the field.

It's heartening to know that military ball breaking has reached the level of intensity -at last! -Which civilian men have experienced since Eve tore off Adam's cajones.

First Recorded Case Of "Coyote Leg" Reported

A team of doctors from "Coyote Arm" International has confirmed that Manny Orbach from Bensonhurst in Brooklyn NYC - Chewed off a large chunk of his leg (which had to be subsequently amputated) -thinking it was his arm) when he awoke from a night of drunken revelry with Elise Mandelbaum draped across his body.

Mr. Orbach stated for the record; " I opened my eyes and when i saw it/her and i started to scream but was able to muffle it right away - THEN realizing how entangled we were -and in a complete state of panic and hysteria that i might awaken her/it - and be forced to engage it - I did the manly thing and went right for my arm - not realizing i was gnawing through my leg before it was too late"

He continued; "Fortunately i was able to extricate myself from under her and crawl away for help -and praise be to the lord that she was still zonked out enough that she didn't awaken - or i would have had to kill myself"

Moishe Pipick - president of World Wide Coyote Arm International praised Mr. Orbach for his courage -and said;

"Manny Orbach is a testimonial to the power and pride of ALL Men and we at WWCA are making sure he will receive the latest in prosthetic surgery and rehabilitation -and are awarding him The Coyote Arm (and now Leg) Legion of Honor -which carries a cash prize of one million dollars along with the many sponsor endorsements which are already coming his way"

He concluded; "However - we are not formally endorsing 'Coyote Leg" and recommend that you take a minute to get your bearings - take a deap breath -and go for the ARM!"

WHO has Bill Clinton Been Shtupping Lately?

Aren't you dying to know? -I mean if you're one of those people who thinks he is being faithful to Hil -then there is an 87% chance that your wife is in a motel at this moment with your best friend.

Hey -I LOVE Wiliie - He was a great president and a super guy and is doing wonderful work on behalf of humanity as we speak

But - he is also -as we speak - getting great head and shtupped silly -on a regular basis - from some of the hottest women on Earth!.

What's that you say? - he wouldn't do that to Hil? - Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahhaha!

Hhahahahahah -Oh my god - Hil would rather have some nice fresh brush in her teeth than Bill's crookedy weeny anyday -And as long as he doesn't embarass her or Chelsea - it's totally cool with Hil.

They adore and respect each other - but wake up and smell the roses - Bill is out there humping and thumping his way across the globe like some randy rabbit -and LOVIN it!

C'mon Bill - give us a clue! You are the coolest pol that ever lived - just a little bitty clue - a taste!

Worldwide "Coyote Arm" Gathering Draws Millions

Men -from around the world - who have chewed off their arm so as to not risk waking the "Beast" they found snuggled up next to them after a drunken night of partying - joined together in Basil Switzerland today -To celebrate their collegial honor and bravery -and to warn "Men Everywhere" of the potential consequences of "Drunken Passion".

Moishe Pipick - Leader of the UCAF (Universal Coyote Arm federation) - chosen for being the first man to chew off BOTH arms when he woke up with TWINS - who in his words. "Defied the theory of evolution" announced:

"Men who have lost an arm in the service of drunken passion - bear witness and testimony to our eternal weakness for "Drunken Passion" and the price some of us must pay for the dignity of All men Everywhere!"

Mr. Pipick went on; "And while there has been an attempt by the women marching outside our gathering to establish a "Coyote Arm" organization of their own -we can see by the number of one armed women marching - that they have a limited following"

"And - we have it on good sources - that most of those one armed women were the victims of MEN who got their arms mixed up"

"And in conclusion" - said Pipick -"I am so proud to see the growing numbers of TWO ARM Coyote Men". -"It takes great courage to chew off both arms - And we salute them!"