TLC Announces “Sex With The Retarded and Handicapped”

TLC Announces “Sex With The Retarded and Handicapped”

Myron Schlocker VP original learning programming announced today:

“Sex with someone while on Dialysis? In an Oxygen Tent? While being lobotomized? Sex on crutches and in a wheel chair? With a quadriplegic or someone like Stephen hawking?

“Hell yes!-we're gonna show it all!”

Schlocker went on; “We will be getting video submissions from all over The Globe and we think this program probably best exemplifies our commitment to 'LEARNING” at The learning Channel!”

He concluded; “Where 'Learning' is useless and tasteless and always titillating to schmucks!”

Confessions to Gay Priests Don't Count says Pope Francis

 In an amazing revelation from His Eminence in the Vatican today; The Pope asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to Homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated:

"Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"

Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatzi asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's - and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?"

"Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just gota finished sticking hisa tinga into some young Altar boy?"

The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell prior to his confession. - SO NOW - What will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"

The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and finda, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will hava fresh starta with Goda."

"But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's Gospel."

The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you – adiosa!"

Lesbian Love Making Misread by NSA -Homeland Security Arrests Lesbo Couple in Humboldt, CA. 

Esther and Miriam Applebaum - two married lesbians in Humboldt, CA. were having a nice quiet night of lovemaking when they heard the whirring of a Helicoptor and about 5 minutes later armed personnel of the Homeland Security Forces had them both handcuffed to a radiator in their bedroom because the NSA heard the following audio exchange from their computers in Nevada:

"Oh Oh that's so good Miriam -oh oh that is so perfect --NOW Miriam! Now! - Give it to me - - ok ok i am ready

Give Me The Rocket booster -NOW!!!"

"At that moment we heard a loud buzzing noise" said NSA technician Omar Farid and then; 

"Oh yes! -YE-ESS! - i am LAUNCHED!! -OH my God Esther!!!"

 what are you guys doing here?

"And that's when we sent in Homeland Security not knowing that it was just Miriam inserting a Dildo into Esther's bung hole -We thought it was a rocket launcher attack on The Humboldt national Guard Command Center."

Moishe Pipick head of strategic coordination between NSA and HLS said; "We are very sorry for this mistaken intrusion ( hehheh) and we have offered the gals an all expense paid weekend in las Vegas"

Louis Mandelbaum of Mandelbaum -Schwartz - Goldstein - Meyrowitz and Goldenberg Attorneys at law said;

"These lesbos will be millionaires when we are through!"

Posted 8th July 2013 by dave nelson

  

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Bill Clinton Overheard Expressing His Sexual Frustration - Will get Hookers Supplied!

"I love Hillary but let's face it i wouldn't fck her with your dick!" said Bill to an unidentified friend  in a Chappaqua NY tavern where they were having lunch and where he was overheard by the waitress.

The waitress spoke anonymously to the Westchester County Flyer,a local newspaper where the Clintons reside.

She said; "He told his friend that when Hillary is elected they have a deal where he can't fck any of the young chicks around the White House BUT the Secret Service will provide him with the best hookers in the world.

She also heard him tell his buddy; "Hillary can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch but i just can't fantasize my way around it any more -i mean it's like getting a blowjob from Madeline Albright!"

She then heard his buddy remark;"Just be careful Bill because you know their gonna be watching you like a Hawk!"

Bill replied, said the waitress; "Yeah those Bible belting repressed GOP assholes can't stand the thought of anyone having great sex!"

 And then he concluded;"And most of them are fatsos married to dogs! Woof! Woof!"

Chris Rock leads "Laugh You Stinky Islamists!" Comedy Tour

"laugh - you mean stinky motha fuckas!"


 So said Chris Rock -who will lead the Middle East Islamo Fundamentalist Tour said today :


a Camel and a Mullah walk into a bar...

"Hey -you show me a country where there is no stand-up Comedy - and i will show you a violent motherfucking stink hole of a place guaranteed. "
He said; "Here's a typical Muslim fundamentalist joke:

" Arak - did you know my cousin blew a Jew? - No! - What You mean Mucak? - Your cousin blew a Jew? He must be killed! - No! No! No! Arak - Heh! Heh! He BLEW him up with fifty other infidels -- hahahahahahahhahahahha"

 use some Charmin instead of your stinky hand
Rock concluded; "Well wer'e gonna change all that and bring some laughs to these repressed uptight -no laughin motha fuckas. - Me and my friends - and i hope we don't get blown."
I'm a little worried about Robin Williams - like he starts out with "Hey you stinky sand niggas -you all hear the one about the Ayatollah fucking a Camel in the ass and a Jew comes along and..."
"Whoa Robin -you fucking crazy motha fucka" I said - "You gonna get us all raped and beheaded!"

Yo Komeini! -stop cornholing Ahmadinejad!
And he says "That ain't shit! -Wait till you hear the stuff that Andrew Dice Clay is gonna lay on these folks - he told me that they have to be shocked into a sense of humor and he is pulling out all the stops!"
Rock continued; "And Whoopie said she's goin for the juglar with the feminist jokes -because you know Whoopie don't go for the Islamo's treatin their chicks like dirt"

"Whoopie said she's got a whole routine about all the Arab Muslims being latent homos and having tiny dicks and shit like that -and she's gonna hand out Ultra Charmin and she thinks once they stop using their hands to wipe their asses maybe they will act more gentle."

Rock concluded "Well either they will start laughing or leave to get their guns - in which case - it's adios time for the whole crew -and fuck their smelly nasty Islamo asses!"

Ancient Text Found! - Jesus says his Wife was a Ballbreaker!

Professor Karen L. [hr]King, in her office at Harvard Divinity School, held a fragment of papyrus that she says contains a reference to Jesus' wife.

The ink on the front side contains eight lines, dark enough to be legible. Line 4 purportedly says, "Jesus said to them, 'My wife is a Fucking Ballbreaker." 

"It's obviously an important find," said Carl R. Holladay, professor of New Testament studies at the Candler School of Theology at Emory University.
Also, he added, "The circumstances in which it's come to light really require all scholars to realize that Jesus was another man who suffered from wife ballbreaking" "
Dr. King has reiterated that the fragment is  proof that Jesus was married because it was found shortly before his death, making it historically reliable. 

The finding has prompted "Jesus Was Married" headlines around the world - and jokes about Mrs. Jesus' "honey-do" list.

The papyrus fragment, which measures only about 1 ½ by 3 inches, is written in Coptic that Dr. King says is consistent with writing seen in fourth-century Egypt. It is roughly rectangular, torn on all four sides, so that each line of text is incomplete.

Other phrases in the text suggest that it is an account of a dialogue between Jesus and his disciples, Dr. King maintains. According to her translation, Line 3 includes the words "She  is hot but somewhat of a bitch ." Line 5, immediately after the line about Jesus' wife, says, "...she will be able to be my disciple." Line 7 says, "As for me, I dwell with her in order to get laid and relax therein and that fag Paul is going to hate her."

Dr. King, who holds a chair at Harvard Divinity School, has written extensively about the Gospels of Mary, Judas and Philip, relatively recent discoveries that are not a part of the established biblical canon. Even before this week, Dr. King was a favorite target of religious leaders who seek to alter the truth to protect the Church Dogma.

California Bakery Refuses to Bake Wedding Cake Showing Anal Sex

Well- The controversy has now reached liberal Berkely CA where Al and Angie Buttafusco refused to bake a cake for two homo's which would have a depiction of a man thrusting his frosted weiner into the frosted butthole of his future brideman!

The Buttafusco's told The Berkely Times: "Hey we don't mind goin along with this whole gay marriage thing BUT to ask us to bake a beautiful cake showing anal sex is something else!"

Moe Levinson reporter asked;"Would you bake a cake showing a bride giving her future husband a blow job?"

Joey Butta fusco repied;'Absolutely we would! - That's natural - not like sticking your dick in an asshole -my god!"

Reporter asked; "Would you show a heterosexual having anal sex on one of your cakes?"

Angie Buttafusco said;"We have to think about that -now get the fuck out of our bakery!"

Conservative White Christian Males Deeply Frustrated! -Forced to Settle for Fours and Fives -if they Are Lucky

Red State White Christian Males - Angry and Frustrated By Evolution and Attractive Females

It took 3.5 billion years to create us -we have more connections in our brains than particles in the universe -our bodies contain 60 trillion cells AND our entire biological directive (purpose for existing) is to reproduce - to send our genes downstream into the vast furnace of existence AS nature programmed us and all living eukaryotic cellular entities to seek a mate and to procreate!

AND those female mates are programmed to be attractive to a male

AND here is the problem for most Southern Christian Men - those females are programmed to be attracted to THOSE MALES with the strongest indicators of being able to produce strong offspring AND to nurture them SOOOOO???

In the Animal Kingdom the females look for the brightest plumage as those indicators of healthy genetics and overall reproductive strength - AND IN THE HUMAN KINGDOM these attractive females ALSO look for physical attractiveness ( human plumage) - BUT TODAY!!!!!

With cultural evolution - AND here's the real kick in the nuts Homer - the gals look for signs of success like EDUCATION - INTELLIGENCE - AND - FINANCIAL STABILITY - SOOO - if you were a non or fairly attractive male (fat and kinda goofy is not strong plumage in any case) with a shitty or even meager kinda job and you had no financial stability (let alone a pile of dough and bling) and were not too SMART like most Southern Christian Men :

you USED to be able to hook up with a kinda fairly attractive mate BUT those days are over Clem!

YOU ARE NEVER Again GONNA FUCK AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE! --

and for sure you are never gonna fuck that 8-9 0r 10 (or any chick remotely in that vicinity) that you dream about AND THAT all those OTHER guys - (mostly from Blue States which really hurts) ARE hooking up with AND SOO - you all become obsessed with other things to take your minds off the core problem:

ya all's lack of desireability by and repellant nature to - hot females
By Joining in with and forming up in groups with other Similar Male's who also like you will NEVER get that attractive mate

A "We Only Get Three's and Four's" Fraternity of Southern White Conservative Frustrated and Angry Christian Men

Sharing that anger and other obsessions and other Moronic behavior which act as coping mechanisms (which take the sting out of your crushed balls) - LIKE:

Guns - Rabid Religion - Paranoid Conspiracies - Hunting - and Nascar (lot's of noisy shit is a good distraction)) - Drugs and Booze - Violent Treatment of Kids and Wives - Crime - etc. - Oh well you get the picture dontcha Mervin?

Sorry Guys - You are a bunch of losers -stick with the fours!

OH -and just extend this Male Loser syndrome driven by sexual rejection across the Globe and you can see it's deadly ramifications ESPECIALLY in places where 99% of The Male Population are considered COMPLETE genetic losers by the hottest females which is why they lock women up and treat them like shit!

TLC Seeks Young Gals To have Oral and Anal Sex With Rich Saudi's

TLC is seeking young unmarried teens (or even some married pregnant teens) who would like to marry a rich Saudi Arabian for a cable network show

AND would be willing to blow them and have Anal Sex in an audition for this new exciting Reality Show on The Learning Channel

Myron Schlockmaster VP Programming said today; "Talk about LEARNING! I mean is this a great opportunity to expand your learning or what?"

He went on; "If anything represents what The learning Channel is all about well -this show about says it all!"

He concluded; "These young needy gals will get a chance to experience life in a new country and make big bucks! - OH -and next up we will be looking for young men and offering the same great LEARNING experience!"

If interested email tlccasting@gmail.com and include a bio of with names, ages, occupations and city of residence.

Brad Pitt to have his Balls removed in Support of Angela

Brad Pitt held a press conference in Hollywood today and announced his support for Angela Jolie having more of her organs removed.

He stated; "I love my wife with or without her tits or her ovaries!"

He said:"To prove my undying love for Angela i have scheduled surgery at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills to have my balls and prostate removed!"

He went on; "I am not recommending that my friends and colleagues take such drastic actions in support of me and i urge Sean Penn and Russell Crowe who i respect and love to not continue with their plans to also undergo castration in support of me and Angela!"

He concluded; "Angela is -as you can imagine -concerned about what the loss of my nuts will do to our sex life BUT i have assured her there are viable alternatives to that predicament!"

Confessions to Gay Priests Don't Count says Pope Francis

In an amazing revelation from His Eminence in the Vatican today; The Pope asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to Homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated; 

"Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"

Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatzi asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's - and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?"

"Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just gota finished sticking hisa tinga into some young Altar boy?"

The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell prior to his confession. - SO NOW - What will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"

The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and finda, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will hava fresh starta with Goda."

"But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's Gospel."

The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you – adiosa!"

Pope Francis Will Be Sodomized To Protest Child Rape By Priests

In a shocking revelation the Pope has announced that he will allow himself to be sodomized by a Priest to protest what he called:

"A catholic clergy that is overrun with priests who enjoy fucking children!"

He went on; "and any priest at whatever level of authority that is implicit in this crime of all crimes will be sodomized and castrated -henceforth"

Confessions to Gay Priests Don't Count says Pope Francis

 In an amazing revelation from His Eminence in the Vatican today; The Pope asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to Homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated; 

"Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"

Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatzi asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's - and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?"

"Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just gota finished sticking hisa tinga into some young Altar boy?"

The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell prior to his confession. - SO NOW - What will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"

The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and finda, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will hava fresh starta with Goda."

"But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's Gospel."

The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you – adiosa!"

Paula Deen's New BBQ Sauce Line --"Nigga Hot Lips" - from The Queen of Southern Racist Cooking

The Queen of Southern racism in the kitchen announced today:

"Nigga Hot Lips" is so tasty and hot every Big Lipped Nigga in the world will be begging for more of my new "Big Lipped Nigga Hot " Recipes!" AND my new "Big Lipped Nigga"  HotCookbook!"

AND

"Them Jews at The Food Network will be beggin me to come back!"

 

Moishe Pipick VP programming at The Food Network responded:

'Paula Deen is a Racist Redneck Southern Cracker and she can go stick her nigga lip sauce in her fat crotch!"

Rush Limbaugh Says Drinking Age Should be 35 – Early Drinking Ruined His life!

He told Fox news today while visiting the Koch Brothers at Their Ranch in Aspen Colorado: - “If I had not started drinking at 18 I would not be sitting here around the pool with my best pals the Koch Brothers and getting drunk and high out of my Gourd on Oxycotin with four Russian Hookers!”

“These libtards are so fcking permissive with their liberal spawn that they can get away with anything!” He said.

Martha Moronowitz of Fox news asked a deeply insightful question; “ Like what?”

“Well Moron?” - “That's Moronowitz not Moron said Moronowitz.” - “Well Moronowitz said Limbaugh: - “LIKE premarital sex – masturbation -dating and hanging out with homos and lesbo's or whateverbo's and interacial dating and them Mexis - OH and of course Jews!”

“Anything else?” Asked Moronowitz and Limbaugh replied in a drunken high fury!”

“Fcking A!” “If it weren't for drinking atan early age and then adopting a fcked up lifestyle do you think I would have slept with Anne Coulter and Sarah Palin while partying in Las Vegas and wound up with the worst case of Syphilus my Dick Doctor ever saw???”

Christian Red State Rednecks Treat Their Children Like Crap That Flows Downhill

http://digibandito.com/1/post/2013/04/god-loving-americans-treat-their-children-like-garbage.html

At Last - "The Onion WITH Balls!" - welkum

The Onion WITH Balls

http://digibandito.com/onions-with-balls.html

  kum visit this happy "Onion With Balls" blogland where redneck politicians and christian redneck morons and tv offerings for the mentally impaired and demagoguing (A leader who obtains power by means of impassioned appeals to the emotions and prejudices of the populace/rabble) -hence rabble rousers.) are treated like the ignorant assholes which they are -  and where a virulent policy of disdain for all things religious and gun related and where intolerance is not tolerated - rules the day AND where those who misguide and mistreat dogs and children are hung out to dry and wither in the sunshine of reason logic -science understanding and compassion AND where vulgarity is not restrained but emoted out of frustration and for punctuation AND much more!

 do unto others unless you are full of shit

Fat Drug Addled Hog - Rush Limbaugh Raises All Our Health Care

Why Should Government Health Care Cover Fat Hogs Like Rush Limbaugh

SO you don't want health providers to cover contraception? -You don't think it's valid to allow women to have casual sex without running the risk of having to undergo an abortion for an unwanted child (like we don't have enough of these) AND you also don't want effective government programs to help single mothers under the psychological and financial distress caused by these unwanted births? AND maybe like many Evangelican Cookoos you also just think SEX was designed by God to procreate ONLY - and of course that a handful of cells (ALL Scientific evidence notwhistanding) represents the wanton killing of a Human Being  ( hey shouldn't that require the death penalty if it's a life?):

OK  -BUT -Then we don't want health providers paying out hundreds of billions of dollars for medical deficiencies that are a direct result of Obesity - Poor Nutrition - Excessive Alcohol Consumption - Smoking and all undisciplined life style behaviors with absolute direct statistical links to Heart and Mental Disease and Diabetes and Lung Cancer!

 This is NOT  a faith based rationale imposing Religion on the vast majority of Americans who believe that Sex (casual or fidelity based) is an intrinsic and fulfulling part of life and who also respect a women's right to privacy and want to avoid the destructive ongoing growth of single mothers and it's toll on our society  - BUT RATHER:

 they don't call me RUSH for nothin -pass The Oxycotin!

A reasonable desire and proposal to NOT pay for illness which directly ensues from the weak self determined choices of folks who just want to act like pigs and have the government pay for it -LIKE:

That obese drug addicted Demigogue -Rush Limbaugh!

Why should insurance premiums be escalated to the point of being unaffordable by average hard working Americans while a gross undisciplined Oxycotin Addicted Hog like Limbaugh -making 30 million dollars a year - Eventually has (God willing) a heart attack or stroke due to his personal life style choices - and we all have to chip in to pay for it???

Or for all those other overweight fast food addicted and alcohol guzzling and cigarette smokingChristian Conservatives (among others) who don't give a crap about their health and have high rates of heart and lung disease (and mostly obese children)

OH -and Jesus was thin and active and had a glass of Goat milk and some figs (for constipation) every day. -And he didn't booze or smoke!

Free Golden Bullshit! -Bring Whole The family

//digibandito.com/8/post/2013/08/a-treasure-trove-of-meaningless-bullshit.html

The Onion WITH Balls

http://digibandito.com/onions-with-balls.html