Why Did God Give John Edwards A Penis?

Or any man for that matter? - And here's the obvious answer:

God has a Cock!

Yep - knowing full well that any descent normal attractive (or rich) male could and would - fuck almost any female that walks - until, finally, his last drop of testosterone dribbled out ;

He still proceeded to create men with dicks!

I mean - he could have created - say - a double eye wink as the catalyst for procreation - or a whistle - or a face lick. And wham! - She's pregnant! - And on goes the human race. -- But noooo:

He had to create this whole sex/lust/power/ ego/ dominance - lovey dovey feel good orgasmic stuff to move humanity down the road?

The only reason God did that - and created all this confusion about sin and sex is because -- God was born with a penis!

So - don't blame John Edwards - blame God!

CIA Torture Expert Recounts "Nagging" Effectiveness

Agent Lance Himmler - an experienced CIA torturer - has divulged his initial experience with a revolutionary new torture technique - "American Wife Nagging".


He reported on the method yesterday - at a briefing of the Joint Chiefs of Staff - which the President and Secretrary of Defense Gates attended.


"Sustained nagging by an American wife - preferably a miserable Jewish housewife (hey and no anti-semitism intended - some of my best friends in the CIA have been driven nuts by nagging waspy wives) - is the most effective torture application that i have witnessed in my thirty years of trying to crack the toughest terrorist nuts around the world!"



He recounted; "Well -- we had this Al Quaeda leader who was sitting on some highly sensitive intel - and he would not give an inch! - We waterboarded him - we crushed his toes with a hammer - we put a pigs snout up his butt ( you know they hate pork) - we lit up his nuts with electrical charges - we put sulphuric acid on his left eyeball -- and then we got rough with this guy -- and NOTHING - he spit at us!"



Officer Himmler continued; "Well -i'm here to tell you - we brought in Elise Mandelbaum - closed the door - and within fifteen minutes this guy was screaming for his Momma!

And - when Mrs. Mandelbaum gave him another dose of "you no good lazy worthless bum - get a job - your'e poor wife should have married a Jewish Doctor - you failure - you fat weak spineless lazy loser ..... on and on......."

"Well - this guy begged for a map and a pointer and said he would give us everything we wanted - if only she would shut up!"



"I mean - she saved us hundreds - maybe thousands of lives! You gotta understand - it's hard enough for an American to deal with this kind of nagging - but - these Muslims have never heard a woman say anything but "Yes Mohammad - anything you want - please kick me or rape me again"


"I mean - here's a guy who has been killing and maiming since he was ten years old - his eyeball is hanging out of the socket and his nuts are sizzling from the electric shocks - and all his teeth have been kicked in and his toes are all mashed up - and he tells us to get fucked!"

"But - twenty minutes with Elise Mandelbaum from Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn N.Y - and he's crying like a baby and giving up his family and friends just to make her shut the fuck up."


"Oh - and get this - i say to Elise - "You have performed a major contribution to your country in the war on terror - you have cracked open one of our toughest Al Quaeda terrorists."



"And she says to me - "Let me tell you Mr. - these Muslims are a bunch of weak babies and i don't understand how you let them get away with all this terror business?"


She concluded, said Himmler; " My Abe Mandelbaum is a weak piece of shit - and he has withstood my nagging for the last twenty years. - And just thank God you don't have terrorists like him running around!"


At this point - the President replied : "Thanks officer Himmler - i want you to recruit a special unit of the most viscious nagging American wives you can find - and you can start with my mother in law -- heh heh heh!"

Tow Lanes Would Eliminate Gas Crisis

With the designation of "Towing Lanes" on America's highways -- SUV's and non commercial trucks would be required to tow a minimum of four cars behind them.

The towed cars would pay a pro-rated shared gas fee based on miles towed to the towing vehicles . - Fuel economy would soar - and carbon emissions would drop out of sight!

And - owners of mid and full size cars would have the option of participating -- pulling cars according to their tow capacity.

A minimum requirement to enter the tow lane would be one vehicle for a mid size car - and two for a car over 2,500 lbs. (but under 4,00 lbs.) - when the minimum of five cars would kick in.

Digibandit automative reporter Elise Mandelbaum presented the idea to Governor Arnold Schwartzenneger of Gollyvornia - who was attending a press conference in lush Pine Mountain village (where he was attending the presentation of a bronze statue from the World Lush Association to the local market which sold more liquor than any store on Earth (per capita) in 2oo7.

The Governor stated;"Did iss an ideeya dat is vorth loooking at! - Wiz my giant Mercury SUV i could probably pull zix or zeven kaars down the 5 freeway back to Los Angeleeees?"

"I am gonna try it dis afternoon right after the presentation - oh look at the statue! -It's a drunken peasant lying on the ground in what kut be my little village in Austria - everyone should come and Zee it in front of the Pine Mountain General Store:

In Pine Mountain Golllyvornia."

'But be careful driving through the willage - these folks are world champion lushes!"

Dickless Male Era - Response to Evolution of The "Super Cunts"

Hooray for the little woman! - Congrats to all the modern gals! - Three cheers for all the chicks and liberated babes!



Goodbye sexual inequality - so long job discrimination - adios traditionally stereotypical - and opressive behavior models for the girlies!



Welcome to the beginning of the "Dickless Male" era.



Yep - it didn't take long for Darwin's -"Descent with modification -and survival of the fittest" process to kick in:



"The new "Dickless Male" -with his reduced sex drive and balls free mind set and physiognomy will be biologically prepared for life in the fast evolving revolutionary epoch of the "Super Cunts." -said Dr. Moshe Pipick - head evolutionary biologist with the Universal Darwinian Institute - in Berne, Switzerland.



He stated; "Some men are beginning to react to the "Super Cunt" emergemce by becoming emotionally destabilized and are beginning to engage in violent anti - cunty behavior."



"This behavior which threatens the survival of the human race is resulting in an enhanced genetic pool of males who have lower testosterone levels ( with smaller dicks and balls) and who adapt to the Super Cunts without destroying them." - said Dr. Pipick.



Bandit biology reporter - Marta Goldberg asked Dr. Pipick:



"But won't the new "Dickless Males" be unable to conjugate with the "Super Cunts"? - therebye thwarting evolution and the survival of the species?"



The Dr. replied' " Excellent point and that will be true over time - during which the "Super Cunts" will evolve into egg layers."



Chicks will Rule! -- At last!



Congratulations

captured Muslim Terror Suspects Should Be Tortured By Nagging American Wives

Muslims treat their women like dogs! - As a result they have NO idea how viscious a nagging wife can be -especially a good old fashioned average "American Nagging Wife"(i don't include girlfriend nagging (just as viscious) because Muslims don't have girlfriends - that would imply courtship and options for the women)

So you put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."

Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife. For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:

"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been - I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......."

Well - you know the drill.You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less?Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman .

If a Muslim woman were to say even; "Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andd that would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children too.

Imagine if your average American nagging wife laid into him with; -- "Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist - stay out of that smelly Mosque with your faggy friends ......"

At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every house in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.

C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right - use one of YOUR wives.

John Mccaine Challenges Obama To Fight - Calls Him A Pussy

"Iv'e had enough of this twerpy faggots wussy bullshit!" -McCaine was overheard exclaiming to his wife Cyndy - who replied:

"Well John - why don't you just kick his black ass - and show the American people that youv'e still got more nuts at seventy eight than he has at twenty one"

Said a very pissed off Mccaine - "Fuck sakes Cyn - where have you been? - I am seventy five and he is twenty four - don't we have enough problems without you fucking up the math?"

"But your'e right - I'll get him in the ring and knock his dick off in one round - and then folks will see that the only thing he should command is a girl scout troop."

He continued; "Hell -- Jesse Jackson thinks he's an arrogant twerp - and the Rev Sharpton told me he thinks he takes it in the ass!"

"Oooh Lordy !" -exclaimed Cyndy"

I've got McCaine in two.

President To Use Hollwood Talent To Stop Islamofascism

Now listen up Mr. President because the digibandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world!

You get Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"

"We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable" "

"And -- you will state the message as follows:""Hello it's me -- Mohammad! -- I'm speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah - and effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ."

" Furthermore -- You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers -- enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran." -

The message will then conclude as follows:"Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- "What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise ypu promised me?"

Mr. President. you must remind this esteemed creative team that; "These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"

"And -- when the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over!"

"And you will all receive The medal Of Freedom -- And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project -- And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!"

"Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!"

Homelesness - War - Plague - Famine - Terror - Great For Planet - say's Al Gore

Thursday, July 24, 2008

"Homeless people have a tiny carbon imprint - and an increase of twenty percent in homeless Americans would be like taking ten million cars off the streets" said Al Gore at a world conference on planet warming in Helsinki today.

He further stated; " American economic conditions should drive another eleven to thirteen million people into homelesness over the next three years which is a tremendous gift to the Planet."

"And with current projections for world wide plague and famine and water deprivation -- and deaths from poor air quality in India and China -- along with HIV and general slaughter in Sub Saharan Africa :

We think the Polar Bear might just find himself back on solid ground by 2015"

He concluded ; "And all of that " destructive sociological carbon reduction" ( or DSCR as wer'e now calling it) -coupled with industrial world carbon reduction efforts - along with scientific progress --- might just result in a long term world wide carbon deficiency problem?"

"And goodbye plants and trees!" heh heh heh

Increase In Homeless People Is Good For The Planet Says Al Gore

"Homeless people have a tiny carbon imprint - and an increase of twenty percent in homeless Americans would be like taking ten million cars off the streets" said Al Gore at a world conference on planet warming in Helsinki today.

He further stated; " American economic conditions should drive another eleven to thirteen million people into homelesness over the next three years which is a tremendous gift to the Planet."

'And with current projections for plague and famine and water deprivation and deaths from poor air quality in India and China -- along with HIV and general slaughter in Sub Saharan Africa - we think the Polar bear might just find himself back on solid ground by 2015"

He concluded ; "And all of this "sociological carbon reduction" (as wer'e now calling it) -coupled with industrial world carbon reduction efforts - along with scientific progress --- might just result in a long term world wide carbon deficiency problem?"

"And goodbye plants and trees!" heh heh heh

McDonalds To Sell Puppy McNuggets During Olympics

Sounds farfetched? - Well the big greedy corporations are so busy kissing Chinese assholes that it shouldn't surprise ya if they agreed to market a tasty Chinese delicacy - doggie meat!

"China, already the world’s second-largest advertising market, after the United States, is a dream for consumer product companies. “For most international brands here, China is the growth market for the next 10 years,” said Jonathan Chajet, strategic director at Interbrand, which consults on brands.

I guess nobody gives a shit about the genocide in Darfur or Robert Mugabe's unabated reign of terrror - or those psycho generals in Myannamar -- all of which the Chinese think is no ones business but their own - or Tibet -- or .............

Oh what's the use......

The multinational corporations would sell their mothers for an increase in market share and the Chinese could sell frozen aborted female placentas and no one would say boo!

You average folks all are too busy figuring out how to keep shopping --now that the financial shysters have just about squeezed you dry -- to give a shit about anything important. (like a boycott of some of these corporate monstors)

And the Chinese are laughing their asses off at us Western pussies who they will soon push out of the front row --on the world stage.

Enjoy the Olympics!

Fox TV Announces "Smarter Than A Cock?" -With Britney Spears

Fox TV -- which continues to knock reality show hits out of the park with shows like "Hell's Kitchen" and "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" -- is kicking it up a notch!

Irwin Bloomis head of Fox development said "Smarter Than A Cock" will pit a male Rooster against an inner city black high school student -- as they compete to "peck out"the answers to a series of word and math puzzles."

"Roosters are quite clever and in test runs their pecking solutions beat the black kids written and oral answers most of the time ," said Bloomis.

The digibandit Hollywood reporter asked; "Are you telling us that a Cock beat a black high school student in a math and english competition?"

To which Bloomis responded ;"Absolutely --yes! -- and that's not to demean the black kids."Cocks are smart and as a matter of fact -- we are considering a reality special called "Can A Cock Beat A Chink Fifth Grader?"

Oh - and the choice of Britney as host? -"Who can handle cocks better than her" - said Mr. Bloomis.

Jesus Died For The Jews Not The Goyim

JERUSALEM — A three-foot-tall tablet with 87 lines of Hebrew that scholars believe dates from the decades just before the birth of Jesus is causing a quiet stir in biblical and archaeological circles, especially because it may speak of a messiah who will rise from the dead after three days.

If such a messianic description really is there, it will contribute to a developing re-evaluation of both popular and scholarly views of Jesus, since it suggests that the story of his death and resurrection was not unique but part of a recognized Jewish tradition at the time.


“Resurrection after three days becomes a motif developed before Jesus, which runs contrary to nearly all scholarship. What happens in the New Testament was adopted by Jesus and his followers based on an earlier messiah story.”



"This gives the Last Supper an absolutely different meaning. To shed blood is not for the sins of people but to bring redemption to Israel.”

So poor Jesus died for the Jews -- and now we know that Paul - the biblical equivalent of Karl Roves - spun his crucifiction into a religion that labeled them as "Christ killers"

Wow - what irony!

but jesus knows!

Aircraft Carrier nets To be Used In Williams Tennis Match

Serena Williams Scared The Shit Out OF Russians At Wimbledon

(first reported at last year's wimbledon)

Those tall leggy Russian tennis players who Serena Williams defeated at Wimbledon complained to the British Tennis Society today; "I was constantly afraid that she would rip through the net and trample me like a giant black Rhinocerous" said Elenya Smyrynosposkayovich after losing to Williams ,whose nickname is Gevaltnegtuckismaya --which means "A giant black ass rolling down a hill" in Russian.

The head of the British safety committee said they were going to install special tennis nets with safety features to prevent Serena from ploughing right on through when she thunders up to the net; "Our tests have shown, said Sir Arthur Cornwitz, that a woman of her size -- with those enormous buttocks and ham hocks and traveling at high speed with those huge black breasts thrusting out like twin battering rams -- could plow through the standard net and take out not only her opponent, but the line referee -- two or three ball retrievers and approximately seven spectators in the first row of the center court."

He continued; "We approached the head of engineering for the Royal Navy and they have devised a protective system similar to the ones used on British aircraft carriers to stop our planes from crashing through and into the ocean -- but Admiral Sir Meyer Pinsky Captain of the battle carrier HMS Horatio Nelson expressed his concern; "Having seen the thrusting power of this amazing amazon on the courts -- I'm not sure if the jet nets will hold her."

When confronted with the dilemma Serena said; "Yep --the only thing that might hold me back is those big fine loin chops of maybe Shaq O'Neal? -- and i wouldn't bet on it if i was you --butt (heh heh) i sure would like to test his burly black ass!"

Best Torture For Muslim Extremists - Nagging American Wives

Muslims treat their women like dogs! - As a result they have NO idea how viscious a nagging wife can be -especially a good old fashioned average "American Nagging Wife"(i don't include girlfriend nagging (just as viscious) because Muslims don't have girlfriends - that would imply courtship and options for the women)

So ou put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."

Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been =I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......." Well - you know the drill.

You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less?Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -- If a Muslim woman were to say even; "Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andd that would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children too.

How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......

"At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.

C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right - use one of YOUR wives.

Fox Announces "Dancing with The Cars"

Outbidding Spike and YuTv and the Discovery channel – Fox Television announced today that it has acquired world-wide production and distribution rights to “Dancing With The Cars” from “What Hump?” productions.

Standing on a busy overpas of the 495 freeway in Los angeles – Hymen Berkowitz, president of Fox Tv and Dave Nelson –head of “What Hump?” – spoke with Digibandit Hollywood reporter, Elise Clitbloom.

“This revolutionary concept combines elements of “Dances with Wolves” and “Dancing With The Stars” -- in that professional dance teams will compete while dodging cars on one of the busiest amd most dangerous highways in the world.” Said Hymen berkowitz.

“Doing the Mambo in an air conditioned studio is like eating pussy next to Mamboing on the 495 with road raging Angelenos traveling bumper to bumper at ninety miles per hour across six lanes of traffic in the smog and sweltering heat.” -- said Nelson.

‘Aren’t you worried about injuries?” -asked Clitbloom.

They replied -- “NO”

Fox Announces - 'Old Demented People Borrowers"

Taking their lead from NBC’s new hit reality series “Baby Borrowers” – the savy and socially commited programmers at Fox Television announced the introduction of “Old Demented People Borrowers” into their fall prime time lineup.

Fox TV head – Hymen Yenta said at a press conference in the Hollywood home for the aged today; “ The old folks you see here are a sample of the demented and incompetent folks who will be available for “borrowing” by middle age couples who will get the chance to hone their nurturing skills in preparation for that imminent time when their own parents will become demented.”

“It’s a win win situation all around” he said – “The families of the “borrowed” will receive a hefty payment to defray their nursing home costs and the “borrowers”will get training and experience in preparation for handling their own –soon to become demented parents.”

Bandit Hollywood reporter Lisa Clitowsky asked Mr. Yenta, “So Hymen – what’s in it for the “borrowed” folks?”

He replied; “They don’t know what’s up anyway Lisa –at least they won’t get slapped around by those black male nurses for a while.”

Looks like another winner from Fox television!

Ford Introduces 250 gallon Fuel Tank On New Models

Ford VP of engineering - Dr, Hymen Goldfarb -announced today:

"With the price of gas increasing steadily -and with no relief in sight - Ford is allowing buyers of their 2010 autos and trucks - the option of buying up to 250 gallons at a time on all standard models -and up to 1.000 gallons with it's biggest suv's and trucks."

He stated, "At Ford we wanted folks to get some hedge against spiraling fuel costs -if you fill er up today at say five bucks a gallon - and in a month it would cost you say six bucks -well - that's a thousand dollar savings if youv'e got our "Jumbo 1,000 Sports Tanker."

Digibandit automotive reporter - Myrna Cuntwich asked Dr. Hymen "But doesn't carrying that much fuel create the potential for huge and disastrous explosions ?"

He replied -- "Yes!"

Priests Should Be Casrated After Taking Final Vows

They won't need their nuts anymore anyway - and a lot of children will be saved from getting ravaged by the hordes of queer priests at "Club Vatican"

And since the Church refuses to ordain women or let men have normal sex lives - the Church is a haven for fruit cakes who have a "religious watering hole" to stalk their prey.

And -as we have found out - Your local Church has provided a fertile hunting ground with tens of thousands of victims - lots of kids who will never get over the trauma of being sexually assaulted (and by a trusted emissarry of the Lord no less).

And if you think it's not business as usual in the "God want's me to put my staff in your mouth" business - then you must be delusional!

You think these sick fucking priests suddenly stopped getting hard ons when they see a handsome young alter boy? - That's like asking your normal sixteen year old son not to get a hard on if Jessica Simpson walks into his bedroom naked.

So - i say - "Off with their nuts" - that ought to put a crimp (oops) in the recruitment of queers into "Club Vatican."


Oh -and not to worry --God will keep their nuts safe until they get to Heaven.

Fox Announces- "America's Most Talented Folks on Medication"

Think -‘American idol” meets “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest”

Most of the population (across all demographic groups) is now taking drugs –or a combination of them:

Kids are line up at their summer camps to get their daily doses of Ritalin - mom and dad are taking bi-polar meds and woofing down pain killers and booze and alcohol - teenagers are basically walking pharmaceutical test laboratories - granny and pop pop need refrigerator sized medicine cabinets – and then there are the heavy duty schitzos and paranoids and severely manic and depressed -who with modern pschotropics get along (almost).

And – many of these folks have talent!

They can sing and dance and tell jokes! (juggling, knife throwing –high wire and other circus related activities will not be included).

These varied medicated conditions will provide the audience with a most refreshing and unique entertainment perspective and experience.

Nobody can sing the rthyme and blues or dance the polka like a medicated manic depressive - and nothing enhances a stand up routine like Alzheimer’s (you get the picture I’m sure).

Judging will take into consideration the level and intensity of the individual performers medication (which will be identified graphically in a lower third screen format):

Example --- Gene nelson from Yonkers New York will sing “Im Still Standing” by Elton John while performing a tai chi routine and is currently taking 300 milligrams of prosac – 100 of Valium and ten milligrams of lithium.

Talent judges will all be celebrities who are currently in rehab and heavily medicated themselves (in order to fully appreciate and fairly evaluate the medicated performances)

All contestantswill of course be drug tested to make sure they are not drug free,

Stay tuned!

People Who Kill Wolves Would Kill a Jew -No Problem

Sadly, in Idaho, wolves are nothing more than another game animal to be managed for the benefit of human hunters.

Beginning on Sept. 15, any Idaho hunter with a hunting license and $10.50 for a wolf tag will be entitled to shoot one wolf, at least until the quota of dead wolves in his region has been reached. And how will a hunter know if the local quota has been reached? There will be a hot line, of course/

A beatiful sentient social pack animal - genetic monarch of our beloved dogs - a magnificent symbol of beauty and freedom and the power and glory of our shrinking natural world;

Slaughtered by pscho red necks morons -for what?

These same sickos would eagerly purchase a game tag for the pure pleasure of shooting a "Wild Jew" -or any person of color.

How in the fuck can we let these pathetic sub humans roam among us with guns and liscences to kill for the pure pleasure of their demented egos?

Call your elected representatives - do something!

Fov Tv Announces "Stand Up With Conviction"

Once again the rulers of reality have found a way to produce a winning reality show that also benefits society!

It's not a piece of cake adjusting to society after you've done hard time -- but, if a felon is willing to "Stand Up" and turn his conviction into comedy for a nationwide TV audience -- they might just become "America's Funniest Felon"

A portion of all future entertainment earnings by the felons will be given to their victims --- And :"There will be categories for all types of felony offenses EXCEPT child abuse and necrophilia" -said Mike Darnit Fox TV reality president.

Darnit continued,"I just didn't think that there could possibly be anything funny about that one particular type of behavior - and i had to overrule my production people - which i very seldom do."

Mark Burnshit, whose production company will produce the show said;"We are working with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to help us identify potentially funny felons while they are serving their sentences and will send professional comics out to organize stand-up trials in the prison's exercise yards.."

Burnett concluded,"We are currently auditioning celebrity's with felony convictions to host the series - and there certainly is no shortage of qualified applicants."

Stay tuned! -Host recommendations?

John McCaine Looks Like Casper The Friendly Ghost -- Needs Sun Tan

John McCaine Needs A Sun Tan - "Casper" Has To Go
I just can't get over the resemblance of John McCain to Casper The Friendly Ghost ! (see picture on blog)

And now that it seems his opponent for the presidency will be Barak Obama - this ghostly image is most certainly going to haunt him!

I mean - watching the two of them together will look like a Ku Klux Klan inquisition. This will definitely work against McCain and he should begin getting sun tan treatments immediately.

When the tanned and younger looking McCain appears looking like a stockier version of George Hamilton it will be the end of Obama (and his Cunty wife)

Now that's the kind of strategic advice and guidance you won't get from most high paid political consultants.

Call me Hillary - it's not too late

Laura Bush Forces Jenna To Marry "Henry The Limp"

Remember this blog - well the clock is ticking!

Jenna Bush,fun loving and filled with vitality and spirit; has been pushed into an engagement with a waspy young republican conservative activist from a prominent (connected) West Virginia family.

They are basically rednecks with brooks brothers shirts. Henry is getting his MBA and has a bright future in money and republican politics.

This marriage will last about as long as it takes for Jenna to find someone who can light up her G spot --and spunky jenna won't be bullied by momma Bush for too long.

A Texas friend of Laura's told the bandit; "Laura told Jenna that she didn't want her marrying anyone like her drunken playboy father was when they first met -- and that if it is wasn't for Billy Graham -- GW would have wound up as a goofy drunkard instead of the worst President in American history,.

"She said; "Laura told Jenna to forget about all those silly notions about passion and spontaneity and exciting love and find a good Christian Republican Conservative from a fine family -- and no Kikes or dark skinned types."

Well, unless Henry turns out to be one fine hunka munka dive bomber -- he ain't gonna last long -- i'm betting on Jenna to find a real man!

Fox Announces "Extreme Buffet" - Obese Eating Contest --with Granada TV

Well it sure looks like another winner coming on board to Fox TVs summer reality show line-up!

"Extreme Buffet" will showcase ten obese men and women (nobody under four hundred pounds can join this group of extreme gluttons) - eating as much food as they can in twenty four hours.

The auditions and back-stories will be inter cut with the pigging out over the course of three half hour programs .

All the human hogs will be weighed in at the beginning - and those who finish will be reweighed - and the one who gained the most weight will win one million dollars.

"The buffet is truly amazing!" -said Granada TV show runner (Granada also produces the huge hit Hell's Kitchen for Fox) Miles (Monty) Python.

He went on: 'Every conceivable type of scrumptious cuisine is available - gigantic piles of ribs and lobsters - caviar by the bucketful - a three foot vat of mashed potatoes -every conceivable type of dessert - mounds and mounds of cheese -- it's the "Willy Wonka" factory of food - a fantastic fattening fiesta and:

" When our human eating machines charged in to attack the Buffet -to the sound of a trumpeting bull elephant - and hit that 'Extreme Buffet" - and started to consume it - it sounded like a flock of four hundred pound locusts hitting a corn field "

"It was so scary that my support crew panicked and bolted out of the studio! - We all felt a rush of panic - it was primordial - we actually felt like we could be devoured in the gluttonous orgy "

"It was like watching a feeding frenzy of giant flesh eating hogs! - I mean this is GREAT reality television!" said Curt Throwrup exec producer for Granada Television .

Curt expanded; "The savage eating sounds(and the gas pyrotechnics) -cut with compelling music production and comedic commentary and animal sound effects -will make this the water cooler show of the summer."

"I still think we should have called it "Hell's Buffet."

Natalie Portman Has Never Sucked A Cock Say's COLA Report

In an astonishing revelation -- Dr. Libowitz announced today:


"We scanned a photo of Natalie from her latest file and lo and behold -she has NEVER had a cock pass between her lips: according to the Cock Over Lips Analyzer (COLA) system."


"We contacted Natalie by phone in Africa and she told us the following:"


"First of all i think the COLA system is definitely going to upen up a new sense of spirituality in human relationships - and i am very proud to have it scientifically confirmed -- that i have never sucked a cock"



She continued; "First of all i am so tired of my dates begging me to go down on them == and crying that they think i must have sucked off a million guys - so why not them?"



"Secondly -- i think that oral sex is the ultimate display and commitment of intimacy, and i am saving it for a very special guy -and then -believe you me - he will be one happy dude."



She concluded -- "However -- I sure am happy that there is no such thing as a CIA (Cock In Ass) scanner system -- heh heh."



Dr. Libowitz was later asked about developing a modified COLA system to scan assholes and measure how many times a person has been cornholed?



He responded; "Yep -natalie is right on the money and we are in development on it, Say -Natalie had a great name suggestion -CIA system - i like that CIA acronym! -(It's kinda like the real CIA assholes- heh heh)."



"Well thanks Natalie - the only problem with the CIA (Cocks In Ass) System is - that it will be much harder to get the photographs"

Send us a photo of your asshole and we will test scan it.



"But it's definitely coming!"

First Male Results Are Finally In ---- - The Pope has Sucked over Six-Hundred Cocks

Dr. Sergio Libowitz made the long awaited announcement today -- "My Revolutionary COLA (Cocks Over Lips Analyzer) System - can now read Male Lips."

For our inaugural male analysis -- We scanned the Popes lips from a photograph of him in America last week and the results are conclusive:

"That Pope Benedick is a major cocksucker!"

The Dr. said in a press conference at his mountaintop laboratory in Switzerland today; "We hope the spiritual leader of all Catholics will not suffer any loss of spiritual credibility -from the scientific "Revelation" -- that he is a major cocksucker!"

Six -hundred cocks sucked is twice the number revealed for Hannah Montana in a previous report. (blog)

Furthermore - he stated; "We hope that as the COLA system gets into full swing - humanity will utilize this new scientific tool to pierce the veil of hypocrisy which deludes our perceptions of our leaders and cultural icons (and our friends and families and loved ones) -- and that we will :"

"Move forward into a world where everyone knows exactly how many cocks you have sucked - a world gentled and uplifted and purified with "behavioral clarity"

Let our new anthem be; "You Can suck - But You Can't Hide"

Paris Hilton Has Sucked Over Three Thousand Cocks -- Reports Expert Lip Analyzer

As previously reported:

Dr, Sergio Libowitz - a Swedish neurologist - has developed a way to estimate how many times a woman has had a penis pass between her lips, by analyzing a photograph of her face. ----- Speaking from his mountaintop laboratory in Zermatt today , during a world conference meeting of lip surgeons - he stated: "Using a combination of electron laser spectography and bio-molecular resonance screenings of a digital facial picture- i can detect -within a five percent margin of error how many times a cock has passed between the lips of a woman ----- and soon i will be able to extend my findings to men."

His first disclosure indicated that Hannah Montana had sucked over three hundred cocks - but todays test results show that when it comes to cock sucking "Wow -Paris Hilton makes Hannah look like a rookie!" -said Dr. Libowitz .

"At first we thought we had misinterpreted the data - but after recalibrating our laboratory hardware and software - our results where proven accurate."

He stated; "This woman just may wind up in the cocksucking hall of fame - but then again we are just getting started - and we are eagerly awaiting the analysis of Pope Benedick and Rush Limbaugh."

"We are also beginning to see a relationship between heavy cocksucking and a reduction in cholesterol levels - which means sucking a cock a day may replace the apple"

"A cock a day keeps the cardiologist away"

Lot's more coming on this medical breakthrough!

Hannah Montana Has Given Over Three Hundred Blow Jobs - Say's Lip Reader Expert

Dr, Sergio Libowitz - a Swedish neurologist - has developed a way to estimate how many times a woman has had a penis pass between her lips, by analyzing a photograph of her face.

Speaking from his mountaintop laboratory in Zermatt today , during a world conference meeting of lip surgeons - he stated:

"Using a combination of electron laser spectography and bio-molecular resonance screenings of a digital facial picture- i can detect -within a five percent margin of error how many times a cock has passed between the lips of a woman -and soon i will be able to extend my findings to men."

He continued: " I will be establishing a world wide data base and will publish the results as they apply to world leaders and celebrities and political candidates on our web sight - cocksuckers.com"

"I started with Hannah Montana because i was so concerned about the impact of those Vanity Fair pictures on my three tween daughters - and sure enough - she is one major dick diver!"

Finally he said;"The social -political and moral implications of my research are fantastic."

"Oh - the first male screening result will be the Pope - stay tuned."

Hillary Would Make A Great "M" In The Next "James Bond" Movie

Yep -it's too bad that dame Judith Densch has the role all locked up (she's also terrific) - because Hillary would be a natural as the the tough as nails chief of British intelligence.

And in pondring upon this casting concept it became apparent to me how deficient Obama would be in the role of James Bond.

Actually - i would cast him as a black Pewee Herman or maybe Mr. Bean.(although he could play a young black version of that old guy who supplies Bond with all his cool weaponry) - Whatsis name?

Ah -and therein lies his BIG problema -he's running against "M" - and if he survives THAT ordeal, he has to face an aging "Bond" in the general election.

And you know Pewee Herman is no match for James Bond - even an old James Bond.

"I'll have a root beer -shaken but not stirred " - Nope -- just doesn't work!

Israels Develop Shit Seeking Missile - Targets Muslim Extremists Assholes

The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror."

General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .

"Well anyway", he continued, "Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance."

"If i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."

Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away, but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas(ass) Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."

"President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That's Democracy!"

US Should Sell It's Criminals To Foreign Countries

Ny Times Today:

The United States has, for instance, 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.

Well --not only should the USA establish a "Criminal Military Corp" as reported in yesterdays blog - but since we will have so many criminals left over (unfit for combat) -- let's just sell them:

"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"

He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."

"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!

US Military Should Create "Violent Criminal Corp" From US Inmates

"Strained by the demands of a long war, the Army and the Marine Corps recruited significantly more felons into their ranks in 2007 than in 2006, including people convicted of armed robbery, arson and burglary, according to data released Monday by a House committee." NY Times today.

Well - that's a step in the right direction!

Now - let's take every misfit and goon and drug dealer and rapist and killer out of our jails where we are paying fifty thousand dollars a year to wharehouse them - and put them all in uniform.

The "Criminal Corp" led by a tough semi-psycho General (think Lee Marvin in the movie "The Dirty Dozen") should have it's first combat duty in Sadr City, and believe you me - when Moktar Schmuktar (or whatever his name is) gets a load of these fucking REAL American animals in action - they will fold their tents in a hurry!

Let's save our nice young marines and Infantry for mopping up missions after the "Criminal Corp," - And these one of a kind - original American wacko/criminals don't need any training - they are tough and cruel and smart -and we just assign the prison gang leaders to become their officers - and they are ready to rumble.

And no pay required -just let them pillage and plunder like the pirates of yore - they will turn the 'Surge" into a "Purge" - and those blood sucking incompetent and corrupt Iraqui politicos will be dying to make some progress, just to get the "Criminal Corps" out of Dodge - and then we can send the 'Corp" to visit Afghanistan for some r&r.

Oh -and all the white collar criminals - you know -the Enron types, -They will join the "Criminal Corp" as support personell - as clerks and cooks and logistics and in planning and intelligence. (and also serve as "Bitches" for the troops).

That oughta cut down on the Wall Street shenanigans - dontcha think?

Best Torture Method Against Muslims - American Wife Nagging

Muslims treat their women like dogs! - As a result they have NO idea how viscious a nagging wife can be -especially a good old fashioned average "American Nagging Wife"(i don't include girlfriend nagging (just as viscious) because Muslims don't have girlfriends - that would imply courtship and options for the women)



You put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."



Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:



"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been =I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......." Yu know the drill.



You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less?



Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -if a Muslim woman were to say even; "Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andd that would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children.



How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......"


At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.



C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right!

A Simple Lie Detector Test For All Priests - OK Pope Benedick?

It's so simple -EVERY priest (including the Pope) and every applicant for the Clergy gets wired up and asked these questions:



Are you a homo?



Do you get excited thinking about a young man's asshole?



Have you ever tongue kissed a male?



Do you think Paris Hilton licking your balls is exciting?



If leonardo De Caprio grabbed your cock would you be thrilled?



If Cameron Diaz crawled into your bed and put her thumb in your prostate would it be exciting?



Would you suck the Pope's dick if he asked you?



Do you think God is a homo?



Simple as pie - if you pass this test we know our kids ain't gonna get the high hard one from a Homo Priest.



Your Welcome

Fallout In Redneck America -- From Obama Statements

"Now hold the rifle tight against your shoulder and slowly squeeze the trigger." says Mervin (hamhock) Schwimmer of Aliquippa Pennsylvania to his six year old son Christian."

"But Poppa, why would we want to kill a beautiful animal?"

"Because it's our natural instinct to kill - we need to kill -guns are powerful - and we can get close as father and son - just like me and grandpa"

"Bu But -i don't want to kill a beautiful animal - couldn't you just read me a book or walk and camp out in the beaufiful forest?" Christian added; "And we all hate Grandpa cause he's always drunk and mean to everyone."

"Now you listen -you little faggot - you WILL learn how to shoot and kill!
What you gonna do if a Jew or Nigger comes aroun? Or a wetback comes aroun lookin for work? --You gonna read him a fucking poem."

"But Poppa", says Christian with tears in his eyes - "I don't know why you want to kill animals and why you hate folks you ain't never met -is it because you are bitter about your job and healthcare and all that economy stuff - like that Obama feller talked about?"

BAM! - "OW Poppa!" -- "Take that you nigger lovin little faggot -I know your Momma put them ideas in your fruit head -and when we get back home you both gonna get the lickin of your lives - and then we all gonna go to Church and pray for your souls."

"And - see that rabbit over there munchin on a leaf/ - start bangin away - and you better not miss on purpose or you'll spend the weekend with Grandpa"

BAM BAM BAM BAM

What Obama Should Have Said

Instead of this:

“It’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or antitrade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

What he should have said was:

"These ignorant fucking white trash rednecks are too busy cleaning their guns and beating up on their wives and kids and gettiing drunk with their good Christian nigger/spic/jew hating buddies - to care about tolerance and kindness and meaningful hopeand change - progress or brotherhood."

"Furthermore - I don't expect or want your ignorant white trash vote -and if I'm elected President - you can all suck my big black dick in Macy's window!"

"Any questions?

Welcome Pope Benedick -You Masturbating Hypocrite

In honor of the Pope's visit to America - here's a repeat of a past bandidt exclusive which received wide international acclaim (we were hoping for a Pulitzer - but alas):



Exclusive -- In a display of hypocrisy rare even for the leader of the Catholic Church, The Pope, shortly after announcing that; "People who fornicate with condoms or practice rhythm or masturbate or "pullout" (withdrawing the penis and ejaculating outsida the vagina) --are Sinners and will be denied God's grace." -- was caught hiding in a Vatican confessional chamber where he was jerking off!



Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!"



They opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Popa Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.



The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Bugs Bunny" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Kike or Negro or Protestant or Gypsy."



He continued, "And we'll see how well those two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan."



That comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community.



The digibandit Vatican reporter Sherl Momsavitch was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?"



We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Vulgar Satire."



Welcome to Americ

Katie Couric will Kill To Boost Ratings - Animated News Anchors In Offing

NBC: 8.27 million total viewers and 2.1/8 A25-54ABC: 7.98 million total viewers and 2.1/8 A25-54CBS: 5.94 million total viewers and 1.5/6 A25-54

What a disaster!

If Les Moonvies is shtupping her she has to be the most expensive piece of ass in history.

katie has announced that she will go to Anbar province with a news crew and a cadre of ex Navy Seals, with the objective of personally killing a terrorist on camera.

Les said today at a news conferencwe in Hollywood; "If this doesn't work we may have to bite the bullet on her 20 million dollar contract - which i will pay out of my own money."

"And we are seriosly considering going with animated hosts" (and maybe even animated correspondents)

It was just a matter of time!

Fox and ABC Announce - "Dancing With Disabilities"

With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced this joint production with Fox Television: -- " It's a natural spin-off (pun)when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."

"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles."

Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance numbers, she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."

"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."

"Any others?", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!"

"And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- one dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"

No host has ben announced but the bandit has heard they are talking with Muhammad Ali (who would also dance)

Obama Proves He Has Big Enough Balls To be President

Oh yeah! -Count me in! - I'm switching to the Obama camp!

Why? - Because it took more courage to tell his cunty wife to keep her yap shut and get lost from the campaign spotlight,than will be required for confronting any conceivable existential threat to the united States during his presidency.

I mean - telling Vladimir Putin and the Chinks to get fucked will be a piece of cake next to putting a lid on Michelle Obama!

I'll bet that sleeping with a king cobra would be more fun than what goes on in the Obama bedroom since he had to shut her face about dissing the good ole USA on the campaign trail last month; and i sure hope he has a strong fantasy quotient and an abundant supply of Club magazines to get him through the campaign without any pussy.

Let's just pray that the New York Times doesn't get a call from some reincarnation of that beast Linda Tripp - with some valid info about Obama humping a hot campaign worker (or two).

Personally i hope he's fucking every hottie on his staff - and if America's FIRST black president can get away wit it - why couldn't Obama?

Anyway -- the Bandit is proud to endorse Obama! - and Michelle - here's some good advice - take that sock out of your mouth and put a great future President's cock in it.

Jesus Christ Should Have Been Aborted -- Not Crucified

And there would be about three hundred million happy indiginous people playing with their children in the sun today instead of having been tortured and butchered by missionaries of the Church spreading the Gospel in the name of JesusChrist.

And if you add up all the men women and children who died screaming in agony due to the pious and righteous and ignorant human animals who maimed and slaughtered in the name of their one and only- absolutely true God, and his son - well, Jesus Christ - you have the spiritual equivalent of the bubonic plague on steroids.

And the Church helped manage and manipulate and exploit this slaughter in the name of a peaceful and loving preacher who came bearing a revolutionary message of hope and salvation.

And this is what happens EVERY time the Priests get to call the shots! Judges with ONE law book written by a God who only they understand and who they represent exclusively. You sign on or you get burned at the stake! ( oh -and if your'e a hot innocent altar boy you get fucked in the ass for fun)

Happy Easter

(and try living with the questions for a change)

NOTHING Beats A High Priced Hooker - Spitzer Rules

The most sexual and gorgeous woman you have ever dreamed about arrives at your home -- she performs sex acts that will make your wife or girl friend forever seem like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh - and here's the best part:

SHE LEAVES!

So - let's get real about all this flap with Eliot Spitzer - it doesn't mean a fucking thing except he had the desire and the money and an ugly nagging wife.

Hillary Clinton Should Air THIS Commercial

Hillary is sitting in her sun garden at her home in Chappaqua,N.Y and as she looks dreamily out the window we hear her voice.

"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment.

She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues." But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"

She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..

"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!"

I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.

Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates

Obama's Position On Iraq War Vote Proved That He's A Pussy

NO responsible person should have denied authorization for the president to attack Iraq because:

Saddam could certainly have possessed WMD - - past evidence of stockpiles was established - and he never came clean and opened up to full inspections.

He was an established pathological nut case who had used poison gas on the Kurds - had recently invaded Kuwait and reaped untold havoc on it's people and the environment and then repeatedly violated his surrender agreements.

Saddam hated America and had enormous resources with which to enable world terrorism at a time when the Twin Towers were still smoking.

He ran Iraq like Caligula - there was no way we could assume he was NOT an existential threat to the United States -and who the hell could believe he was bluffing about his self avowed WMD capabilities?

That is why almost the entire Congress -the Military and the Media and most Pundits and thinking people with balls - were in lock step about the need for military intervention.

Yes -the the overall strategy for occupation was a naive fuckup! - In retrospect we should have worked with the Bathists to manage the political realities - instead of unleashing the Shiites who are mostly fucking religious morons AND who hate us for freeing them from Saddam - under whom they couldn't take a shit without asking permission.

BUT - weak kneed liberals like Obama have NEVER thought it necessary to have to kill maniacs and inflict collateral damage in the interests of American survival. And that includes the whole fucking cold war!

Obama is a pussy - and McCaine would eat him for breakfast in the general election!

God Must be Hispanic If he Named His Only Son Jesus

Wow - i just realized that God has to be Hispanic!

I mean - otherwise he would have named his only kid God Junior or at least some common name of those times- like Joshua or Peter or Moishe -any thing but Jesus(unless he was Hispanic).

What made me think of this was i was watching the Los Angeles marathon yesterday and at least fifty percent of the people had to be Hispanic -and at least fifty percent of them were named Jesus - and i says to myself; "Wow -these guys all look like Jesus Christ - and God gave him that name -and that was not a common name -so God had to be Hispanic."

Wow! -- can you imagine what God is thinking about all these religious conservatives and white nativists who are bashing these poor illegal immigrants - who are his Hispanic brothers and sisters?

And - i bet that the Hispanics -not the Jews -are Gods chosen people. You notice he didn't name Moses - Jesus.

And -the true bible story must be that he cast out the Hispanics from the United States and let the Gringos (like the Egyptians with the Hebrews)) enslave them because they were being bad -but now he is letting them back into their promised land.

And for three thousand years the Jews have been selling the story about Canaan and being cast out and all that Pharaoh stuff just so they could look like the chosen people and get all that promotion -when the Hispanics -led by Gods Hispanic son Jesus - were the chosen people all along.

Well - as Mencken said; "Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing"

But -maybe God IS Jewish but has a pushy Hispanic wife. (you notice i didn't say cunty)

United States Prison Population Should be Outsourced

Well it looks like - if you break the law in the good ole USA -You will do your time in some Foreign country. Maybe India or China if your lucky - but it could just as easily be the Congo or Somalia - or whoever makes the most attractive bid to keep you in captivity.

And with a new report showing that one out of one-hundred people in the good ole USA are doin some kind of jail time - this plan comes just in time to help our hurtin economy.

"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot for ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for under five thousand (and if the liberals don't squawk we could probably get some countries to pay us for these folks )"

"Were talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and I'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

"Julie concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!

Mandatory Drug Tests For Congress - Most Would Fail

I'm willing to bet that if the US Congress were drug tested - over fifty percent would test positive for some mind altering substance.

And since their ability to focus and problem solve and manage their complex legislative duties is what they get paid for - and since we elect them with an expectation of a high level of energetic performance and clarity - it would be helpful if they were not fucked up on any drugs.

So let's test these suckas! - I mean we are so worried about our athletes not playing their fun games fairly - and whether or not Wal Mart employees can perform their highly complex jobs on drugs - or whether toll collectors will be able to make change after smoking a joint:

But whether or not a US Senator is holding a hearing on National Security zonked out on Prosac or Oxycotin - or maybe just did a couple of lines, or smoked some refer or took some meth: -- Oh, why should we be concerned about that?

Hey -and why not mandatory drug testing for ALL government employees - I am willing to bet you that fifty percent of the WHOLE government bureacracy would test positive for some kind of illegal mind altering substance.

And boy -would that explain everything!

John McCaine Needs A Sun Tan - "Casper" Has To Go

I just can't get over the resemblance of John McCain to Casper The Friendly Ghost ! (see picture on blog)



And now that it seems his opponent for the presidency will be Barak Obama - this ghostly image is most certainly going to haunt him!



I mean - watching the two of them together will look like a Ku Klux Klan inquisition. This will definitely work against McCain and he should begin getting sun tan treatments immediately.



When the tanned and younger looking McCain appears looking like a stockier version of George Hamilton it will be the end of Obama (and his Cunty wife)



Now that's the kind of strategic advice and guidance you won't get from most high paid political consultants.


Call me Hillary - it's not too late.

No "Cunty" For Old Men

That means NO "CUNTY" first lady!

Do we want a President whose last thought at night - with all the urgent and pressing existential problems he has to deal with is -"I wish that fucking cunt would just shut up and stay out of my shit - she's driving me apeshit!"

Or -"Thanks Christine - that blowjob has relieved all my anxiety and tensions and i can see a clear course of reasonable action"

I ask you --Goodnight!

Oscars Prove That Hollywood Can Save The World

Hollywood Will Save Iraq And The World

Now listen up Mr. President because the bandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world!You get The Cohen brothers and Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"

We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable and you will state the message as follows:""Hello it's me -- Mohammad! I'm speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah - and effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ."

"You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers -- enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran." - the message will then conclude as follows:"Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise?"

Mr. President. you must remind this esteemed creative team that; "These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"

"And when the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over!""

And you will all receive The medal Of Freedom -- And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project -- And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!""Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!"

Top Historians Say No "Cunty" First Ladies EVER In White House

Doris Kearns Goodwin -- There has never been a totally cunty first lady! -- The closest was probably Abigail adams, who would qualify as a major ball breaker, but not a cunt.

Tom Cahill -- hmmm? - i would say that most if not all of our presidents tended to run the show in their households. Mrs. Lincoln had some cunty tendencies but mainly she was a wack job.

James McCullough - Well Eleanor Roosevelt was a very strong and independent woman,but there was nothing very cunty about her - i would say that Dolly Madison definitely had cunt potential but John would never put up with that shit.

Michael Beschloss - It's actually quite amazing that the Republic has escaped the horrors of a cunty first lady all these years and a tribute to the strength and fortitude of America's Presidents.Millard Filmore's wife started to act like a cunt but he had her banned from the white house.

Barbara Tuchman - can't think of a totally cunty first lady, which as we all agree, would have had a devastating effect on the course of American history. If you look at all the worst and most dangerous world leaders, you will find a cunty wife lurking somewhere in the wings.

Well - there you have it straight from the mouths of five eminent Pulitzer Prize winning historians - from George Washington to George Bush - not one Cunty First lady!

Whaddyasay - let's keep Michelle Obama from becoming America's First Cunty - First lady?

The History Of "Cunt" - As It Applies To Michelle Obama

A reader has asked about the word cunt, wondering if it had something to do with "cunning" as in "a cunning woman was a negative thing". It has nothing to do with cunning (which is related to the verbs ken and can) and everything to do with what it means today: "female genitalia". It first shows up in a list of London street names of about 1230. That street name was, interestingly, Gropecuntelane, one of a warren of streets and alleyways all given over to the lowest forms of prostitution and bawdry. It lay between Aldermanbury and Coleman Street (where the Swiss Bank stands today) and it belonged to one "William de Edmonton". Curiously, medieval Paris had a street name with an identical meaning - Rue Grattecon. Oxford and York apparently also had similar versions of that street name.

Cunt is believed to derive from a Germanic root *kunton "female genitalia", which also gave rise to Old Norse kunta (ancestor of Norwegian and Swedish dialectical kunta and Danish dialectical kunte), Old Frisian, Middle Low German and Middle Dutch kunte, and the English doublet quaint. And, by the way, the word wasn't always considered derogatory, even though it is today. Be careful about assuming that a word's modern connotations must have governed its formation. By the way, no connection has been made between the Germanic words and Latin cunnus. The proto-Germanic root of cunt is ku- "hollow place", while the Indo-European root of Latin cunnus is (s)keu- "to cover, to conceal", the etymological meaning of cunnus being "sheath".

So -Michelle Obama IS a "CUNT" - I knew i was right -and i don't think America has EVER had a Cunty First Lady. -I'm gonna ask some famous historians and report back to you - to see whether Michelle would be the First -Cunty First lady in America's history.

Penis Envy Strikes Again! - Michelle Obama Sets Off Cunt Alarm!

Michelle Obama’s comment in Milwaukee on Monday: “For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change.” - will cost Obama the presidency!

Another spoiled cunt with a BIG Mouth - carried away by the limelight just like her two most recent candidate destroyers - Teresa Heinz Kerry and Judith Nathan Giuliani.

I'm sooo sad that Michelle Obamas life's experiences at Princeton and Harvard left her with a completely cynical view of America -- maybe she should spend some time in a more enlightened and spiritual country - of her choice.

Or maybe she didn't take any history courses? - Or maybe she's just another good looking spoiled lefty cunt trophy wife with a gifted and powerful husband.

Boy do we NOT need her in the White House!

Oh - and folks everywhere across this great land are a thinkin today - "Obama is hooked up with an American hating cunt - his first order of change should begin at home."

Daddy! Daddy! What's a Cunt?

Asks my five year old daughter after hearing Jane Fonda's comment on the Today Show.

I respond, "Well dear it's the female version of prick."

She intelligently responded; "Oh - you mean like the way Mommy acts when you come home drunk"

Yes dear - "And how she acts when she doesn't get her own way ."

But daddy, "Wouldn't the correct English for Momma's behavior be cunty - because it's an adverb - i think Jane used it as a noun?"

"Wow - sending you to The latin School has really paid dividends and you are soo right"

I went on; "Ms. Fonda was using cunt as a noun and was referring to the female sex organ in that regard -she really should have said vagina."

"But daddy - why didn't she just say Pussy?"

Kid's today!

Here's A Commercial That Will Launch Hillary To Victory

Hillary is sitting in her sun garden at her home in Chappaqua,N.Y and as she looks dreamily out the window we hear her voice.

"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment."

She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues.

" But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"

She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..

"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!

"I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.

Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates

Blood is Thicker Than Pussy Water

Ok -let's get real here! - You are a member of a race that has been systematically repressed since arriving in America in chains some four-hundred years ago -beaten and bullied and hung by rednecks and denied the vote and descent housing and jobs and .................

Your people claw their way out of the shithole that Whitey fought to keep them buried in and voila - along comes a black leader that inspires not only blacks but MAYBE enough of everybody to become the next President!

And you are not gonna vote for this dude if you are black? - C'mon -if women had it so rough out there - they would ALL be lining up to vote for Hillary like they were waiting to get it up the butt from Mathew McConaghy.

Women have it made in the shade thanks to us and they are still fucking miserable - Blacks know they are still getting shafted by the Rednecks and WASPS

Like i said -"Blood is Thicker Than Pussy Water"

And - There WIll Be Blood!

Human's Have A Genetic "Asshole Early Warning System"

Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".

Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce (fuck) with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)

If Darwin DIDN"T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!

Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!

It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.

Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)

What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)

Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"

These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!

Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)

I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:

And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"

It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)

More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.

How The Church Ruined Valentine's Day

On this day of amative imaginings i thought you might be interested in the Pagan provenance of Valentine's day --Lupercalia

"The Lupercalia festival was in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Explaining the name of the festival, Lupercalia, which translates out into "Wolf Festival." The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine (where Rome was founded, see Livy, Book I), to expiate and purify new life in the Spring.

.
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The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh; the smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.

The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats -- and then everyone ran around fucking and sucking and drinking and dancing until they dropped!

This looked like too much fun to the Ancient Queer Priests so they turned it into a sappy, lovey dovey religious farce - BUT!

Little did they know that healthy modern folks of all ages would return to their Lupercalic roots - only with different outfits and bling.

This is a sure sign that the rule of the Queer Priests is waning - but we gotta bring back the goats and she wolves!

Happy Lupercalia everyone!

Obama Clarifies His Positions - Shows Depth Of Thinking

Using his best Martin Luther King meets Elvis (he loves Kings) persona - as he roles forth on a "Magical Mystery Tour" that would have bedazzled even John Lennon - Obama - finally- REALLY got specific about his programs:

On Iraq - oh yeah -yeah! - hey - whoa 0 yeah! - it's time!

On the Economy - whoa yeah! - Oh yeah -yeah1 - come on -yeah!

On Health Care - Now yeah! - Now is yeah! -let's yeah oh yeah!

On Immigration - security is yeah! -oh yeh oh boy -yeah!

On the Environment - Now yeah -now -yeah now -oh boy -yes - yeah!

On Change - Change yeah! -Change and yeah -Oh yeah! -lotsa Change!

Wow - this guy is not just another skinny politician with big ears! -And look at his following -oh yeah! - Rich progressive (supply side) boomers who loved the Bush tax cuts - Oh yeah! Young people who think he's the black version of Jerry Garcia -Oh yeah! - And young and old black folks who think enough white folks will vote for him in the general election -Oh yeah?

The Republicans are laughing their asses off --Oh Yeah! -Their codeword for "Get Obama nominated at All Costs" is "Hillary Clinton will unify the Republican base" -Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

Pope Benedick Is A Soul Pimp For God - Needs Jewish Souls Bad

The Vatican - with it's latest version of Darth Vader -Pope Benedick - just can't understand why their pimps have been unable to get any of their soul whores any tricks with the Jews.

Before the Second Vatican Council, also known as Vatican II, the Good Friday Mass in Latin prayed for the conversion of Jews, referring to their “blindness” and calling upon God to “lift a veil from their hearts.
”An unofficial translation of the NEW prayer reads: “Let us pray for the Jews. May the Lord Our God enlighten their hearts so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, the savior of all men.

The prayer calls for God to enlighten the hearts of Jews “so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, the savior of all men.”


Okay -where do i sign up? -Hey - wait a minute - what about the Moslems and the Hindus and the Buddhists and the Taoists and the .............


I mean is heaven like a segregated place with different groups all running around waiting to see the Big Guy - or is everybody besides Catholics in hell?


Hmm? -That doesn't sound very Christian -Jesus like or Democratic.


Personally, i think the Pope and his whole queer Vatican are full of shit and always have been!

You see any Jews running around LAX or Zimbabwe with the Mormons pimping and collecting souls for Yahweh? "Hi -my name is Rebbe Moishe Pipick and have you ever thought of being one of the chosen People?"

It's a fucking shame that the Catholic/Christian Soul Pimps have run out of indigenous peoples to degrade,sodomize - dehumanize -savage and drive into extinction.

God's gonna be really pissed if they miss their soul quota - maybe they could try their luck in the mountanous tribal regions of Pakistan?

Fox Television Announces "America's Funniest Felon"

Once again the rulers of reality have found a way to produce a winning reality show that also benefits society!

It's not a piece of cake adjusting to society after you've done hard time -- but, if a felon is willing to "Stand Up" and turn his conviction into comedy for a nationwide TV audience -- they might just become "America's Funniest Felon"

A portion of all future entertainment earnings by the felons will be given to their victims --- And :

"There will be categories for all types of felony offenses EXCEPT child abuse, and the comedy routines will be based on their particular criminal specialties" -said Mike Darnit Fox TV reality president.

Darnit continued,"I just didn't think that there could possibly be anything funny about that one particular type of behavior - and i had to overrule my production people - which i very seldom do."

Mark Burnett, whose production company will produce the show said;"We are working with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to help us identify potentially funny felons while they are serving their sentences and will send professional comics out to organize stand-up trials in the prison's exercise yards. -- We are calling this -- 'Stand Up With Conviction' -- and it will become a series of specials leading up to the series debut."

Burnett concluded,"We are currently auditioning celebrity's with felony convictions to host the series - and there certainly is no shortage of qualified applicants."

Stay tuned! -Host recommendations?

Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter

Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter
"It was horrible!" -- Rush Limbaugh screamed,as tears streamed down his fat face -- "I was blasted on Oxycotin and she was screaming "Tie me up and eat me! eat me! eat me!" -- "When i came to --she was tied up -- with yards of dental floss and spread eagled on the bed -- she was passed out and the room smelled like a Mosque."

Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported previously in a bandit exclusive ).

Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."

Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."

Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold"

David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"

Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"

Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep -named after Oxycotin, his drug of choice.The Bandit exclusively reported in a prior post that Limbaugh was caught shtupping Cotton on his farm in Maryland.)

Coulter reportedly screamed from her quarantine; "I only wish i could have infected Hillary!"

Mike Huckabee Would Become Fattest American President

William Howard Taft, at 6 feet and weighing over 350 pounds (159 kg),was the heaviest US President. -He was given the nickname "Big Lub" because of his size -Taft's weight caused him to become stuck in the bathtub in the White House on several occasions, prompting the installation of a new bathtub capable of holding all of the men who installed it, something the White House denied until the bathtub was torn out years later.

Mike Huckabee has lost well over one-hundred pounds and he's not exactly a Slim Jim! -With the pressures of the Oval Office weighing him DOWN - he would almost certainly balloon back UP into the "Big Lug" category and most surely break the record for Presidential obesity. (and the bed and bathtub as well).

So- do we need a President who will bring the full array of emotional dysfunction correlated with"Obesity"into the leadership of the free world? - A President who woud be known to world leaders as the "Porky Preacher" and to congress as the "Baptist Balloon"?

A Commanderin Chief who would need his uniform tailored by "Omar the tent Maker"? -and who would be called "General Goodyear" by the Joint Chiefs of Staff"?

I ask you?

Priests Should Be Castrated After taking Final Vows

They won't need their nuts anymore anyway - and a lot of children will be saved from getting ravaged by the hordes of queer priests at "Club Vatican"

And since the Church refuses to ordain women or let men have normal sex lives - the Church is a haven for fruit cakes who have a "religious watering hole" to stalk their prey.

And as wenow know, this has been a fertile hunting ground with tens of thousands of victims - lots of kids who will never get over the trauma of being sexually assaulted (and by a trusted emissarry of the Lord no less).

And if you think it's not business as usual in the "God want's me to put my staff in your mouth" business - then you must be delusional!

You think these sick fucking priests suddenly stopped getting hard ons when they see a handsome young alter boy? - That's like asking your normal sixteen year old son not to get a hard on if Jessica Simpson walks into his bedroom naked.

So - i say - "Off with their nuts" - that ought to put a crimp (oops) in the recruitment of queers into "Club Vatican." And believe you me - it won't be long before the Church will be offering bonus' to anyone who will sign up - because they are about five-hundred years behind the times culturally- as usual.

Oh -and not to worry --God will keep your nuts safe until you get to Heaven.