Remembering The Iraq Invasion - A Digibandit Blast From The Past

After watching an hour of Bill Moyers grind away at how we were all misled about Iraq having WMD and led into a thuggish invasion by the neocons - i went and puked on my lemon tree in splendid Hollywood and decided it was time to rant a little on this issue.

One - what with just having a bunch of religious wackos give us a wake up call about how bright our future looked - and with one of the most pathological and fascist tyrants on the planet refusing to come forward and offer proof that he wasn't trying to match his "Death To America" rhetoric with WMD proliferation - we all were a little nervous.

Two - the idea of getting rid of him and his murderous cronies and liberating the intellect and spirit and industry of a huge - but oppressed mostly secular, Iraqi middle class -- and maybe changing the paradigm of middle east dystopia - seemed like a noble and prudent enterprise.

Three - how could anyone have guessed that our leaders would have absolutely no insight into the seething sectarian hell we were about to unleash - and that the debathification -- the dismissing of the army - the unsecuring of enough modern weapons to supply every Iraqi wacko for a generation - and a total misjudgement about the number of troops needed to deal with the chaos -and the total incompetence and corruption of the Iraqi leadership -and that the Bushies would assign the most critical reconstruction and oversight duties to people who's qualification was compatible ideology instead of competence .

(which as it turns out is the ultimate lesson of the last eight years - INCOMPETENCE - which is why the number one issue for the next election should be COMPETENCE).

So - it never was solely about WMD ! We didn't know!- We knew we didn't know!

And that was reason enough - considering Saddam's history and the long term potential to eliminate his regime and give Iraqis a real shot at a life -and the potential to remodel the region; to take him out.(unless you think the collateral damage/innocent bystanders moral issue trumps all other considerations -- in which case you should start a revolution or shut the fuck up about it).

It doesn't piss me off that they didn't just say that - after all they are dealing with a public that is basically ignorant and delusional with belligerent rednecks one one side of the aisle and queer liberal cultural relativists on the other. And in the middle -- pretty much politically anethesized.

That's it -- Hope you had a great black Friday and have a great Internet Monday - and shop till you drop!

Romney's Wear Mormon Underwear To Control Their Lust

Mormon's wear these undergarments because their cookoo religious leader Joesph Snith didn't want them getting too sexually worked up (while he was fucking about 70 members of his flock mostly under seventeen and mostly relatives.)

We asked Mitt Romney if he and Anne wore them and he said yes but they had to order 3x size garments for Anne.

Mitt said: "The underwear really controls my libido otherwise i would be up cornholing Anne all night long.

Clive Cornholes Tanisha In Oxygen Finale

Damn Clive -I Want THAT one

"Oxygen Fans eagerly awaiting to find out if Clive and Tanisha tie the not are in for a big shock!" said Eunice Slutinsky -head of original programming for Oxygen.

"We just wanted to shake things up a bit for our wide female audience mostly made up of fat repressed Black female morons  -SO!":

"The night before the wedding as Tanisha is getting  prepared for the happiest moment in her life -Clive crashes into her bedroom -drapes her over the couch and Cornholes her into ecstatic oblivion"

"The amazing thing is that Tanisha no longer wants to marry Clive - she's not angry:

 Clive Can't Cornhole Like Me

"She just wants to spend a while exploring  in her words the "Cornholing Zeitgeist"

Slutinsky concluded."And that should make for a very compelling next season of "Tanisha Gets Cornholed Around the World"

"Perfect for our audience and should bring some new male blood into our audience."

Dogs and Cats added to ObamaCare says Obama

"There are 82 million Dog owners and 62million Cat owners in America today -and they love them as much as any members of their families." said Obama speaking from The Rose Garden today.


"Now that The Supreme Court has approved Obamacare it is time to afford our Dogs and Cats the same level of protection AND i happen to know that Chief Justice Roberts loves his 3 Dogs and 5 Cats more than Antonin Scalia loves Pizza and  and Justice Thomas loves porn and white hookers."

"Now i know that Mitt Romney who put his Dog ,Seamus in a cage on the roof of his care when they traveled on vacation will oppose this extension of Obamacare -along with all the Dog and Cat hating Republicans BUT:"

"I know the American people are wholeheartedly with Michelle and I on this one AND don't think we don't care about ALL of your different pets out there -we are working on that!"

Living In Cars -The New American Dream and Biz Opportunity

Folks Now Renting Car's To Homeless 

American's are innovators - and with so many folks unable to make their car payments -and so many NEW homeless folks due to home foreclosures - waddya do?

You guessed it -they rent out their cars as homes! -Yep - 250 bucks a month will get ya a nice cozy space in a 1990 Hundai Sedan (trunk rights are 5 bucks a month extra) Toilet paper and yard rights are extra!

I mean -that is the spirit and energy of a free market economy that the Republican's can really be proud of.

Right up until the day - maybe coming sooner than they think -when they see the torches and pitchforks glowing and waving outside their suburban enclaves.

"Let Em Eat Cake!" said Marie Antoinette -right before the French Revolutionaries lopped off her head and the Kings -and most of the rich folks.

The first night after she surrendered her house to foreclosure, Sheri West endured the darkness in her rented Hyundai sedan. She parked in her old driveway, with her flower-print dresses and hats piled in boxes on the back seat, and three cherished houseplants on the floor. She used her backyard as a restroom.

The New American Dream

Truthdig Rules

Truthdig Author Chris Abani Moshe Adler Andrew Foster Altschul Perry Anderson Jabari Asim Sheerly Avni Anna Badkhen Allen Barra Arthur Blaustein Tracy Bloom Andy Borowitz Bill Boyarsky Carol Brightman Peter Brooks Stephen Brown Celia Chazelle Andrew Cockburn Patrick Cockburn Elliot D. Cohen Juan Cole Joe Conason Paul Conrad Marc Cooper Paul Cummins Lauren B. Davis John Dean E.J. Dionne, Jr.

Michael Dirda Richard Ellis Daniel Ellsberg Reese Erlich John Mack Faragher Mike Farrell Mr. Fish Susan Gillman Todd Gitlin Stan Goff Barry Golson Ellen Goodman Amy Goodman Sam Harris Tom Hayden Chris Hedges Mark Heisler Doug Henwood Steven Hill Molly Ivins Chalmers Johnson Zachary Karabell David Kipen Ron Kovic Rep. Dennis Kucinich Stanley Kutler Saul Landau Mark Malseed Christian Parenti

Eve Pell Suzanne Pepper William Pfaff Tony Platt Nomi Prins Ryan Quinn Scott Ritter Francis Robinson Eugene Robinson Mike Rose Nir Rosen Robert Scheer Orville Schell Richard Schickel Ruth Scurr Richard Shelton Aram Sinnreich David Sirota Deanne Stillman Sarah Stillman Peter Stothard Nick Turse Gore Vidal Milton Viorst Paul Von Blum Lawrence Weschler Mel White Jon Wiener Wellford Wilms Col. Ann Wright

Fox Reality "Are Black Teenagers Smarter Than a Chinese Three Year Old?""

 Black teens are Morons!

 So -Who should be in cages?

 wassup homies?

Mike (the midget) Darnell head of Fox TV programming has announced a follow up show to it's hugely successful "Are You Smarter Than A Five Year Old?"
"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?"" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." 

Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."

He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child."

Dr Pipick concluded: "The only exception was among Jewish kids who are smarter than The Chinks and tied with Gooks and Dotheads"

Fox Premiers "Idols of Aushwitz" Talent Show

 Hava Hershkovitz

 The Holocaust Survivor belted out a version of Ethel Merman's

 "There's No Business Like ShowBusness" entitled "There's No Uglier Fag on Earth Than Ahmadinejad" to win Fox TV's premiere of "Idols of Aushwitz"

"At their age and after all they've been through

 Fuck These Old Jews

these tough old Jews are delighted to sing and dance  -and Hava brought the house down with that Ahmadinejad parody"

"Coyote Arm" gathering Draws Millions to Switzerland

Men -from around the world - who have chewed off their arm so as to not risk waking the "Beast" they found snuggled up next to them after a drunken night of partying - joined together in Basil Switzerland today -To celebrate their collegial honor and bravery -and to warn "Men Everywhere" of the potential consequences of "Drunken Passion".

Moishe Pipick - Leader of the UCAF (Universal Coyote Arm federation) - chosen for being the first man to chew off BOTH arms when he woke up with TWINS - who in his words. "Defied the theory of evolution" announced:

"Men who have lost an arm in the service of drunken passion - bear witness and testimony to our eternal weakness for "Drunken Pussy" and the price some of us must pay for the dignity of All men Everywhere!"

Mr. Pipick went on; "And while there has been an attempt by the women marching outside our gathering to establish a "Coyote Arm" organization of their own -we can see by the number of one armed women marching - that they have a limited following"

"And - we have it on good sources - that most of those one armed women were the victims of MEN who got their arms mixed up"

"And in conclusion" - said Pipick -"I am so proud to see the growing numbers of TWO ARM Coyote Men". -"It takes great courage to chew off both arms - And we salute them!"

Fox TV Announces "Father Konfessor" -Penances Gone Wild

Mike Schlocknell -Fox Reality President announced "Candid Catholic Confessions" With Father Konfessor -today and stated:

"Fox has got a lot of balls, in addition to being cutting edge creative! - Our new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience."

"What a breakthrough!" -- "Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Harnell.

Elise Mandelbaum the digibandit Hollywood reporter asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense - give us an example."

"Okey dokey" He said "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear -- and here's the penance!

" Father Konfessor says -- "Oh well Hillary youv'e been naughty - so i require five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"

"Wow!" -said our reporter "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous? -AND won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"

"Fuck the flock!" said Schlocknell -"It will be bigger than Idol!"

"AND"He concluded; "The FLOCK is more worried about the Priests fucking their kids"

Rush Limbaugh Losing Tongue After Sex With Ann Coulter

My Snatch Kills

 I'm A Junkie

Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter
"It was horrible!" -- Rush Limbaugh screamed,as tears streamed down his fat face -- "I was blasted on Oxycotin and she was screaming "Tie me up and eat me! eat me! eat me!" -- "When i came to --she was tied up -- with yards of dental floss and spread eagled on the bed -- she was passed out and the room smelled like a Mosque."

Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported previously in a bandit exclusive ).

Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."

Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."

Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold"

David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"

Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"

Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep -named after Oxycotin, his drug of choice.The Bandit exclusively reported in a prior post that Limbaugh was caught shtupping Cotton on his farm in Maryland.)

Coulter reportedly screamed from her quarantine; "I only wish i could have infected Hillary!"

Cornhole King JerrySandusky Looking Forward To Prison Butt Fest

 Welcome Jerry

"I can't wait to get Cornholed day and night in prison - to get the same kind of ecstatic pleasure i gave all those fine young lads."

So said The Cornhole King as he awaited sentencing he continued:

"It's amazing how many nice fellers like Priests  and Teachers and Coaches and pro Athletes -big strong healthy fella's and righteous and religious folks and all kinds of upstanding men you would never think of:

Spend most of their quiet moments thinkin about fucking Children!"

Help is on the WAY

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/24/opinion/sunday/the-generation-gap-is-back.html

Inmates Waiting For Jerry Sandusky

Klovis Baton - national leader of The Aryan Brotherhood Network which operates in every Prison in the USA -and  who is serving 5 lifetime sentences for murder and for killing six prison guards -sent the word out today:

"Hi Jerry - we are waiting for you - you can't hide from us ANYWHERE - in solitary lockdown or in a cage on Mars -we will find you! - AND if those Penn State lovin Jurors let you off -it still won't matter to us - we will cornhole you and your wife and loved ones and close friends AND those Jurors until Hell freezes over!"

"You probably think you will find Jesus Christ in prison BUT you will find Jesus has a ten inch cock wrapped in barbed wire."

"We are terrible men BUT even we know where to draw the line -and you -along with all your Homo Priest friends are gonna pay!"

"All those kids who grew up BUT will always scream in the night will hear YOUR screams!"

Now that's a nice dream

Lisa lampanelli to Replace Anne Curry 0n Today Show

 NBC Rules

"And my co -host will be Big Balls Jimmy!"

"We are thrilled that NBC has decided to put some real balls into Network TV -and my first week's guests will all be black guys whose dicks i have made happy!"

we are gonna fuck America every morning

She continued:"I have had more black cock in me than the urinals at the Apollo Theatre"

Lisa Is a Fat fucking Whore

Asked about Anne Curry she said; "Nice chick too bad she was born without a pussy."

Pope Tells Africans Not To Fuck

fuck the Pope

Boys are better

"Hey you dysfunctional folks out there on the Dark Continent - i know your'e having trouble not chopping up everyone in sight -and you make a dollar a day - and your'e hot and dirty - and you have no toilet paper or TV or radio or socks -or even drugs -and there are flies eating up your eyeballs:
"But i - Your Popa - don't have a cock and i am very happy -so donta you worry about getting laid -- i hear it's very messy!"

'If you absolutely have to stick your biga blacka dicka in something -find a young boy -lika my priests."
That Pope is quite a guy!

But the Church is tone deaf - here's the latest statement from The Black Bishops (who would fuck any altar boy that's not armed even if he has advanced stage leprosy)
"The bishops did not veer from Vatican policy opposing the use of condoms to prevent the spread of H.I.V. and AIDS. “The problem cannot be overcome by the distribution of prophylactics,” they wrote. Instead, they urged abstinence among the unmarried and fidelity among the married. “Such a course of action not only offers the best protection against the spread of this disease but is also in harmony with Christian morality,” they wrote."

These guys are from another planet!

"Kardashians Live For CornHoling" -Huge on Oprah

The Kardashians CornHoling mania brought good ratings for  Oprah Winfrey's - Her visit to the reality TV family's abode brought a significant boost to OWN -- even  this week's heavy competition from the broadcast network's NFL and PGA coverage and scripted cable finales could not stand up to The CornHoling Extravaganza the Kardashions put on.

The 8 p.m. broadcast of Oprah's Next Chapte -"KARDASHIONS  lIVE FOR CORNHOLING"  brought in 1.1 million viewers, making it one of the top broadcasts in the series' six-month tenure on the network. Previous highs came from Winfrey's sit-downs with Steven Tyler in the series premiere (1.1 million), pastor Joel Osteen (1.6 million) and a record-breaking exclusive with the family of late singer Whitney Houston (3.5 million).

In the demographics, the Kardashian installment ofNext Chapter Corholing - topped cable competition for the hour among OWN's target, women 25-54, earning a 1.14 rating. Compared to OWN's Sunday ratings a year ago, the demo was up 171 percent and viewers were up 151 percent.

"CornHoling is huge!" said Oprah "-it seems like anal sex is the New Love Machine Driver in our society"

She concluded;"and the kardashions have it down to a Science  -they even got me to experiment with a CornHoling and i must say it is an acquired Taste  -but with my huge Butt they said i might eventually become a Cornhole Queen."

"And Jimmy Big Balls might be my King -heh heh heh"

Japanese Woman Gives Birth To Sushi Child

Noogy Knooki Noogi gave birth to a ten pound Sushi Boy in the tiny Coastal Village of OneHung Lo where the residents eat a tremendous amount of raw fish including Dolphins.

"Our folks would eat their children if they had fins!" said Mayor Kutchanutsoff who has lived in the Village for 80 years" 

He continued;"Several years ago a women here gave birth to a sixty pound Giant Squid which is now in the second grade and doing quite nicely."

He went on;"Maybe we should cut down on slaughtering The Dolphins which might be angering The Sea Gods?"

Finally he said;"We really don't have the resources to deal with an influx of Sushi Kids"

CatholicBishop Slices off His Balls In Sodomy Protest

Bishop Slices off Nuts In Papal Protest of Sodomizing Children Epidemic 

Screaming  - "Please God let's women become Priests! so we can stop fucking children!  -AND God Fuck the Pope!"........

Bishop Tuchy O Feely -better known affectionately to his young Altar and Choir boys as Father (Oh! Oh! Oh!) Feely - as he cornholed them out of sexual frustration and in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.


Cardinal Rocco Antonuchi - speaking on behalf of the Pope said  in the Vatican today: "It's a sada day whena one of our besta Bishops cutsa his balls off because he cannota get his a rocks off."


He concluded; "I hopa the Popa changes hisa minda about letting woman become Priests because not ALL the cornholing being dona to the kidsa is by Homo Priests!"


The Cardinal concluded: "We gotta stop corholing all these littla children even if we have to castrate the whole Priesthood -starting with The Popa if he doesn't come to his senses!"


AMEN

"God and Jesus Fucked me!" says Rick Santorum

Rick Sanitorum Says "God and jesus fucked Me!" And Can Go To Hell! 

A confidential email from Rick Sanitorium has been leaked which shows he his not exactly happy with his good (ex) pal) God!

"God really fucked me over!" he emailed his top fund raiser the Reverend Brigham Newnuts at the Pac - "Lordy Lordy How The Lord Loves His Second Son Ricky."

The email went on; "God promised me i would be President - he told me that he would never allow a Moron -I mean Mormon to be President -especially after what he did to his Dog - and that he would never allow a (the N word) to be re -elected! -AND that i was his main man!."

Sanitorium went further:  "God has turned out to be a real asshole and i think Jesus was in on it because he thinks i hate Jews!"

The email concluded: 'Well fuck God! AND Jesus -They can both go straight to Hell!"