Hallmark Channel announces More Stupid Shit for Christian Morons

At Crown Media's upfront presentation at New York City's elegant Eleven Madison Park restaurant, the Hallmark Channel announced that it's doubling down its efforts to develop original programming by adding as much dull phony Christian family bullshit melodrama as they can shovel into those dull dimwit homes who watch their syrupy non creative crap from the fifties.

 "The recognition factor for our network is not what it should be, considering how fucking lame most Religious Christian families are" said Bill Abbott, President and CEO of Crown Media Family Networks. "We expect this Upfront to be groundbreaking for us - and be up 20% in terms of volume." Here are some highlights of what the network has coming up:

• The network's first original scripted series, Debbie Macomber's Cedar Cove, stars Andie MacDowell as a small-town family court judge whose work life directly impacts her day-to-day life.- REALLY -oh goody! No shit -it does -WOWEEE! -maybe she'll get fucked by the local Sherrif and get the clap and that will get her goin!!!
• When Calls the Heart has been greenlit for 10 episodes. Based on the book by Janette Oke, it tells the story of Elizabeth Thatcher, a young teacher accustomed to her high society life, who receives her first classroom post in a prairie town in the Western Frontier. The movie pilot debuts on October 5, while the series premieres in January 2014. OMG does that sound creative and stimulating! -I mean what the fuck! - Hopefully Elizabeth will get cornholed by a an entire tribe of Apache Indians.
• Pilot-to-series projects include My Gal Sunday, based on a book of short stories by Mary Higgins Clark, and Dead Letters, developed by Touched by An Angel creator Martha Williamson. My Gal Sunday follows the husband and wife crime solving duo of Sunday and Henry Parker. Henry is an ex-Vice President of the United States, and Sunday is a legal aid lawyer. Dead Letters, follows a quirky quartet of civil servants in the Dead Letter Office of the US Postal System who transform themselves into an elite team of lost-mail detectives.  LOST  MAIL? - I'm surprised there's no CSI Lost Mail? -Maybe the whole family will be sent UPS to Quito,Ecuador and held for ransom and then gang raped by Moron Missionaries gone wild.
•  There's some more Christian Preachy sappy shit on the slate but i'm too fucking naseous to go on BUT they do have one blockbuster  -  "Preachers Who Cornhole Local Jewish Women"